Heart of Stone
by MadameCissy
Summary: Sequel to Heart of Glass. Amanda and Olivia have been together eight months when Amanda is forced to go undercover into a world that is so alien to her that she feels lost. The darkness begins to take over. How does she hold on to the best thing that ever happened to her?
1. Chapter 1

**Summary:** Amanda and Olivia have been dating for about eight months and their lives are stable and balanced. A horrible hate crime case confronts them with an unexpected perp and Amanda is forced to go undercover into a world that is so alien to her that she feels lost. But when the darkness begins to find its way in, how long can she survive before it starts to take over, risking the life she has with Olivia and everything else she ever knew?

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Law & Order: Special Victims Unit or any of its affiliated characters. I just borrow them, write my piece and put them back where I found them.

**Pairing:** Olivia Benson/Amanda Rollins.

**Rating:** T for mentions of physical violence and swearing. Will go up to M in future chapters for explicit and/or violent sexual content.

**Timeline:** This story is set 8 months after the events of Heart of Glass. You do not have to read that story to understand this one but it would be useful as there will be references to the previous story in this one.

**Author's Note:** Like I promised, here I am again. The idea for this sequel to Heart of Glass came to me when talking to another SVU fan on Twitter. We were discussing the possibility of a dark side to Amanda and the way to explore this within her character. The idea for this story sprung from that conversation. Throughout the story certain characters will share views that can be – and probably will be- considered offensive to most of you. None of these views are mine. I am using them to paint a picture, like we often see in the series itself. In fact, the situation I am about to create wouldn't look out of place on SVU so Warren Leight, if you need an idea for season 15, send me a message. I hope that the plotline within this story doesn't offend anyone. This story will deal with rape, racism, violence and the psychological impact of all these things. If any of these things trigger you, please make sure you are in a safe place. Look after yourself and call for help if you feel you need to.

* * *

**Chapter 1**

_All those arrows you threw, you threw them away_  
_ You kept falling in love, and then one day_  
_ When you fell, you fell towards me_  
_ When you crashed in the clouds, you found me_  
_~Barcelona - Please Don't Go**  
**_

The sharp ringing of a cell phone roused her from her comfortable slumber. For a couple of seconds her brain needed to readjust but the ringing continued. She attempted to hide her head under her pillow but a sharp nudge in her stomach made that she opened her eyes. The numbers on her alarm clock indicated 02.43 in the morning. For a few beautiful seconds the ringing stopped only to start again when she was about to close her eyes.

"It's yours," Olivia groaned as she continued to nudge Amanda.

"I _hate_ being on call," Amanda muttered and extended her hand to search for her cell phone. It lay on the bedside table and she found the offensively ringing device after padding around for another second. She squinted as she glanced at the caller ID screen. She fell back into her pillows and groaned. "It's Cragen." She heaved a sigh and answered. "Rollins."

"Better cut your beauty sleep short, detective," Cragen said on the other side of the line. She heard the sound of sirens wailing in the background and she slowly sat up, still rubbing the sleep from her eyes. "It's your lucky night. A woman was assaulted earlier tonight. I'll text you the address."

Amanda hung up and kicked the duvet away from her. She was about to slip out of bed when she felt Olivia's fingers close around her arm and she fell back into the pillows. She ran her fingers through Olivia's hair and a quick kiss landed somewhere in the brunette's neck. "I'll see you when I get back."

"I'm due in court tomorrow morning," Olivia mumbled. "Text me and I'll see what I can do."

Amanda padded across her bedroom to the bathroom and took a quick shower. The warm water woke her up and she quickly brushed her teeth before slipping into the jeans and grey sweater she had left out the night before, just in case. She had a routine when it came to being on call and part of that routine was leaving a set of clothes and her shoes out in case she was called out. She brushed her hair, tied it up in a ponytail and grabbed her leather jacket of the back of the arm chair. She turned around in the bedroom door way and longingly gazed at the bed.

Olivia had gone back to sleep. She lay sprawled out on her stomach in the middle of the bed and the duvet covered only part of her beautiful body. Strands of chestnut hair framed her face. Whenever she slept over at Amanda's, Olivia liked to sleep naked. She enjoyed the feeling of her lover's skin against her own and Olivia's clothes lay scattered around on the bedroom floor. Neither of them had bothered to tidy up and Amanda smiled as she remembered their passionate love making only hours earlier.

She and Olivia had been dating for just over eight months and after an initial rocky start things were running smoothly now. They had found a good balance between the job and home and it was surprisingly easy to leave the stress and pressure of being an SVU cop outside the door when they were together outside of work. They divided their time between Amanda's apartment and Olivia's place, depending on their schedule. It was only during nights like these, when one of them was called out, that Amanda resented her job. Their on call nights never overlapped now that Olivia was partnered with Nick Amaro once again. Amanda had been paired back up with Fin, something she enjoyed. It was like having the best of both worlds; a protective older brother at work and a beautiful girlfriend at home.

Amanda left her apartment and made her way down the two flights of stairs. It was quiet outside and it was still relatively warm, considering the time of day. It was August and for the most part summer had been pleasant. She walked around the building to the parking lot, got in her car and double checked her phone for the address Cragen had text her. She recognised it as being in Hell's Kitchen. Whilst heaving a sigh, Amanda started the engine, switched on the radio, and turned right at out of the parking lot.

Even in the middle of the night the traffic in New York was still busy but she managed to get to Hell's Kitchen in less than twenty five minutes. She took a side street of Ninth Avenue and quickly recognised the blue flashing lights down the road. Amanda parked her car, got out and flashed her badge at the uniformed officer standing guard outside the yellow police tape. An ambulance had pulled up on the sidewalk and two EMT's were working on the victim. She found Cragen and Fin standing not far away, looking on, and increased her pace to reach them.

"Hey," she said and the two men turned around. "What have we got?"

"Shonda Jameson was walking down the street and the perp grabbed from behind," Fin said and checked his notebook. "Guy attacked her, beat her, and then assaulted her." He looked back up and followed Amanda's gaze. She was staring at the ambulance and the blue and red lights illuminated her face. "Left her for dead next to her car." He pointed to a vehicle that was surrounded by several officers. "Did a real number on that too."

"They beat the crap out of the car?" Amanda asked and arched an eyebrow in surprise. "That's personal."

Cragen's face was solemn. "What they did to the victim was plenty personal."

Amanda took a deep breath and walked over to the ambulance. The two paramedics were standing over the gurdy and were doing their cheeks. One of them used a small flashlight to check her pupil reaction. As she came closer Amanda saw that the woman's face had been beaten to a pulp. Her right eye was completely beaten shut and the large purple bruise had started to form. Blood seeped from the woman's hairline, her lip was split and there were grazes on both her cheeks.

"Shonda?" Amanda asked and the woman tried to look at her. "I'm Detective Rollins. Can you tell me what happened?"

"They came out of nowhere," Shonda stammered. Now that she spoke Amanda noticed that she was missing one of her front teeth. The injuries to her face were horrific. "I was walking to my car with my groceries and they just… came…" A lonely tear chased down her skin. "They were shouting."

"They?" Amanda asked. Fin had mentioned a guy but Shonda just suggested there were multiple attackers. "How many were there?"

"Three."

"Ok," Amanda whispered and forced herself to smile. She had to show some positivity towards the victim. "Did you hear what they were saying?"

"They used the N word," Shonda stammered. Her voice was weak and the eye that hadn't been beaten shut started rolling back into her head. Amanda took a quick step back away from her to give more space to the paramedics and watched as they rushed to put in an IV. It was at moments like this that she felt so helpless. She wished she could do something to make this situation better but all she could do was be a good detective and find out who did this to her.

"Detective?" One of the paramedics called Amanda and she looked up.

"What is it, Shonda?" Amanda asked when she reached the gurdy. The paramedics were about to load her into the ambulance and Amanda clutched the woman's hand. "What is it, honey?"

"How could they do this…" Shonda's voice broke. "…to another woman?"

Amanda let Shonda's hand slide out of her own and watched how the paramedics lifted the gurdy into the vehicle. One of them walked around and climbed behind the wheel while the other slammed the doors. The sirens wailed as the ambulance did a U-turn and disappeared down on Ninth Avenue. Amanda watched it fade in the distance, Shonda's words still ringing in her head.

"She say anything?" Fin asked when he reached his partner and she turned around to look at him.

"She asked how they could to this to her," Amanda said. "To another woman."

Fin frowned and the surprise was evident in his eyes. "Her attacker was female?"

"Attackers, as in plural. Shonda said there were three," Amanda clarified and stared down Ninth Avenue in the direction the ambulance had disappeared in. The echo of the sirens had faded out. A questioning look filled her blue eyes when she looked back at her partner. "What kind of woman goes out and hunts other women?"

"Rollins, Fin, go to Bellevue and talk to the victim again," Cragen said when he reached them. The two detectives looked up and Rollins reached into the pocket of her coat for her car keys. "I'll get Munch to do her background checks. Call me if anything changes."

Amanda sighed. "I guess I won't be going home anytime soon."

Fin gave his partner a sideways glance. "Isn't Liv due in court first thing?"

Amanda nodded and together they started walking in the direction of her car. "It would have been nice to at least have breakfast, you know."

Fin grinned. "I'll buy you a donut."

~()~

They made it to Bellevue in about half an hour and Amanda and Fin walked into the ER. By now their presence wasn't uncommon inside the Emergency Room and Amanda recognised one of the nurses at the desk. They had been here often, maybe even too often. Just as she was about to flash her badge, a doctor approached them. "Detectives?"

"How is she?" Amanda asked as she turned around.

"Bastard did a real number on her," the doctor answered. "We're doing a CT scan right now to exclude any brain haemorrhages. She slipped in and out of consciousness by the time she arrived and we've sedated her to keep her comfortable. There are signs of bruising and contusions all over her body, most likely caused by a blunt object and I observed severe tearing in the genital area."

"Severe?" Amanda questioned. "Severe as in compared to what?"

"I've seen plenty of rape victims passing through my ER, detective," the doctor replied. "I have seen what has been done to them. What I saw in there was unlike anything I've ever come acrossin my ER. We've done a rape kit but there were no signs of fluid or semen. The injuries are horrific. They tore her open from front to back."

Amanda's eyes found Fin and she felt her stomach turn at the description. "Shonda mentioned that her attackers were female. What the hell did they use to do that much damage?"

"I'm not sure I want to know."

Fin sighed. "And why did they feel the need to rape her in the first place?"

"Can we talk to her?" Amanda asked.

"Give it another hour or so," was the answer. "You know where the coffee machine is, right?"

Amanda and Fin made themselves comfortable in the ER waiting room after Fin went to get them some coffee. Amanda clutched the small styrofoam cup in her hand and stared at the black liquid. Something about this case unnerved her. Fin sat beside her, staring at the floor. For a little while neither of them spoke. The horror of yet another case, a brutal reminder of the perversity of mankind, needed to sink in.

"This is a hate crime," Fin said after about five minutes of silence. "She said her attackers used racial slurs."

Amanda chewed her bottom lip. "I can't get over the fact that Shonda said her attackers were female. I've seen angry mobs before, but never like this. I've seen teenage girls stick together and fight but I don't think I've ever seen anything this violent. To rape and assault another woman? Why would any woman do that to another? It's bad enough that we have to fear men out there but now we can't even trust women?"

Her phone vibrated and she dug it out of her pocket to find Olivia's name appear on the screen. She smiled as she opened the text message. _The bed is cold without you. Will I see you before breakfast?_

Her fingers tapped a reply. _Sitting in Bellevue. Will be here till morning. You could come and bring me breakfast before court?_

When she looked up she found Fin looking at her. "That Liv?"

She sheepishly smiled. "Yeah."

"I'm glad you two worked things out," Fin said. "It's nice to see you happy."

"Thanks, man."

She turned the phone over in her hand a couple of times. She wasn't sure what to say. She and Olivia didn't talk much about their relationship at work. They both thought it better not to. When Amanda had gone back to work eight weeks after the shooting, nobody had even questioned their relationship status. The only thing that had changed was the fact that they could not work cases together as primary detectives. Everything they did had to be by the book to prevent a defence attorney using even the smallest detail against them in court. It kept their relationship simple and it meant they could leave the demons outside the door.

Having Olivia changed the way Amanda looked at life. She no longer resented going home every night because she knew that Olivia would be there. The older woman had a key to apartment ad they tried to be together every single night, depending on what their day had been like. It was rare for them to be apart. Amanda thought she'd struggle with accepting someone into her personal space but she had found herself surprised by how quickly she got used to hearing Olivia's footsteps in her living room or her voice as she sang in the shower, no matter how horrible it sounded.

After Olivia had come to her apartment the day she was discharged from the hospital, the brunette hadn't left for several days. The only time she went back to her own place to pack a bag to go to Atlanta. She'd kept her word and allowed Amanda to take her back to the city where she had been born and raised. The two weeks they spent there were perhaps two of the best weeks of her life. They ate in small restaurants, walked down the street hand-in-hand and enjoyed the city in a way only a tourist could. For two weeks they weren't haunted by victims or by perps. They were just two women, making a fresh new start in their lives. She cherished those moments, especially at times when the job became challenging.

Another hour went by before someone came to find them. By then Amanda had downed three more cups of the horrible hospital coffee and she had resulted to eating a pack of sweets from the vending machine because she was so hungry she thought she was going to pass out. She heaved a sigh of relief when she saw the doctor walk towards her and stood up.

"How is she?"

"She's remarkably strong. We've stitched her up as best as we could but she is going to need reconstructive surgery in the future." The doctor looked from Fin to Amanda and back. "Find the bastards that did this to her. I know I say it every time I see you guys, but I mean it. I want these monsters of the streets."

Fin put a hand on his shoulder. "You and I both, man."

The doctor led them to Shonda Jameson's room and Amanda knocked before entering. Fin hovered in the door way, allowing the woman time to decide whether she wanted a male in the room or not. When she didn't seem to protest he stepped inside too and closed the door behind him. Amanda had pulled the only chair in the room over to the bed and sat down.

"Shonda?" she asked softly and her eyes trailed over the woman's face. Now that the blood had been cleaned off the extent of her injuries was truly visible. "Shonda, it's Detective Rollins. Remember me?"

"I saw you earlier," Shonda whispered as she struggled to open her eyes. "When you found me,"

Amanda nodded. "That's right. You told me that the people who did this to you were women. Are you sure about that?"

"I heard their voices," Shonda stammered. Her voice was husky and deep and her words were laced with the slurring effect of painkillers. Her hands had been wrapped up in bandages. "They were definitely women."

"Did you see them before they attacked you?" Fin asked. "Were they in the deli with you?"

"No." Tears glistened in Shonda's eyes. Her lips were trembling and Amanda could see the sudden fear in her eyes. This woman had been through hell and she was about to experience it all over again as she told them what had happened. "I came out and wanted to put my groceries in the car. They were just there. They hit me. One of them pushed me to the ground and got on top of me. She… She pulled up my skirt and…"

"They assaulted you," Amanda said softly and her blue eyes darted up to Fin's face. It was a mask of anger and regret. "I'm sorry to have to ask you this but do you know what they used?"

Shonda shook her head. "One of them kicked me in the head. I… I must have passed out. The pain…" She turned to look at Amanda, desperation flickering in her eyes. "I tried to fight them off but…" Her voice broke. "I couldn't."

"You did good, Shonda," Amanda said and covered the woman's injured hand with her own. "You survived." She swallowed hard. "You survived and you've told us everything you can. If you remember anything else, call me." She took her card from her pocket and put it on the small bedside table. "Day or night. Whatever it is, just call me. I promise you, we'll do everything we can to find the people who did this to you."

She and Fin left Shonda's room. Once outside Amanda rested with her back against the door. Anger flickered in her blue eyes and her face contorted into an ugly mask of anger. "I want to find these bitches and I swear to God, they'd better be scared when I get my hands on them."


	2. Chapter 2

**Author's note:** Thanks for all your reviews so far, guys. I am going to try to update this story daily, the same way I did with Heart of Glass. There will be far more Rolivia scenes within this story. Small moments of interaction as well as full blown moments of passion – something I know some of you are waiting for. We have moved on eight months in their relationship and I want things to feel natural and calm. Keep the reviews coming, guys. I would love to hear what you were thinking about them as a couple and if you have any views on the case they are dealing with, I'd like to hear those too. ~Cissy

* * *

**Chapter 2**

_I make a church out of words as the years dull my senses__  
__And I try to hold on to the world that I knew__  
__I struggle to cross generational fences__  
__And the beauty that still remains; I can touch it through you__  
~Don Henley - Goodbye To A River_

Amanda and Fin walked into the 1-6 around six am that morning, both clutching cups of coffee from Starbucks around the corner. Amanda felt tired and dirty. Shonda Jameson's story about the female attackers had unnerved her and she just wanted to go home, take a shower, and start the day fresh. She fell down in her chair, put down her coffee and cradled her head in her hands. Fin watched his partner but looked up when he heard Cragen come in.

"Did Shonda Jameson tell you anything?" he asked.

Amanda looked up. "She confirmed what she told us at the scene. Said that her attackers were female. Did CSU find anything on the scene that tells us what they used to rough her up?"

"Wood splinters on the car, most likely from a baseball bat. They also found a bloodied metal pipe in the alley behind the deli. They're running it now but I'm not sure I want to know what they'll find on it," Cragen answered.

Munch, who until then had been sifting through some paperwork on his desk, stood up and walked over to the white board. He stuck up a picture of their victim in the middle and wrote down her name followed by the time, date and location of her attack. He then turned to look at the other two detectives. "Apart from this, we have nothing."

"A whole lot of nothing," Amanda groaned. "Does the deli have any security cameras?"

"You can go and pick it up after you've gone home, cleaned yourselves up and had something to eat," Cragen said. He glanced at the picture of their victim on the board. "I'll get Amaro and Munch help you canvas the neighbourhood. Find out if anyone saw or heard anything."

"At that time of night?" Fin rolled his eyes.

"We have to try," Cragen reminded him. "When Benson gets back from court I'll get her to check in with CSU, see if they have any results on the crime scene." His eyes found Amanda, the same way they always did when the mentioned the veteran detective. "Do we know if there have been any other cases where women were attacked by other women?"

"Every Saturday night. Pick a bar, any bar," Munch interjected. "Women are just as likely to fight as men."

"But not every cat fight turns into a violent sexual assault."

Amanda heaved a sigh and sipped from her coffee. Part of her was glad that Cragen allowed her to go home, even if it was just for a little. She glanced at her watch and wondered if Olivia would still be there by the time she got to her apartment. The Supreme Court trial of a perp they had arrested about nine months ago had started earlier this week and Olivia had been in court almost every day, supporting the victim and testifying on the stand.

"I'm outta here," she said and pushed herself out of her chair. Fin met her gaze. "If I'm lucky I can catch Liv before she goes to court."

"I never expected to hear anyone say they'd be going home to someone waiting for them," Munch commented and from across the squad room Amaro sent him a dark look. The breakup of his marriage was still a sore subject and Amanda and Olivia had been very aware of this in the first few weeks of their relationship. Munch just shrugged. "This place isn't a dating service. Normally the job destroys relationships. It doesn't create them."

"Well, guess I got lucky," Amanda smiled as she swung her jacket over her arm. She fished the keys out of the pocket of her jeans and typed a quick message to Olivia's cell phone, telling her she was on her way home. "I'll see you guys in a couple of hours."

She walked out of the squad room and waited for the elevator. Once downstairs she made her way to the parking lot, climbed into her pick-up and started the engine. The loud volume of the radio startled her and she quickly turned it down. She reversed and turned left out of the precinct parking before quickly increasing her speed, desperate to get home.

It was about a twenty minute drive to her apartment and when she pulled up in her allocated space she felt a sense of relief. She quickly got out of the car, made her way into the building and sprinted up the two flights of stairs. Before she could even stick the key in the lock the door swung open and Olivia's smiling brown eyes found Amanda's blue. She clutched a cup of coffee which she handed to her lover and leant in to kiss her.

"What's with the sudden return home?" she asked.

"Cragen's way of making up for ruining my night," Amanda replied and let her eyes trail over Olivia's figure. Dressed in form hugging black pants and a matching blazer, Olivia looked amazing. Underneath the blazer she wore her favourite white blouse and she had pinned her chestnut hair up. When Amanda lowered her gaze she noticed Olivia was walking on her socks and her lips curled up into a smile. The familiarity with which the older woman moved through her apartment filled her heart with joy and she left her coffee on the side table and caught up with the older detective in the living room. She snuck her arms around her waist from behind and kissed the back of her neck.

"What time's court?" she whispered.

Amanda's hot breath brought goose bumps to Olivia's skin and she shivered when Amanda's index finger slipped underneath her blouse and caressed her stomach. "Nine," she managed to whisper. "But I'm meeting Alex at eight thirty. Apparently there's something she needs to talk to me about."

"Shame," Amanda said and released her grip on Olivia a little so the older woman could turn around. They now stood face to face in the middle of the living room and the dark shade of Olivia's eyes told Amanda that the dark haired detective knew exactly what her plans had been. "You're all dressed up and I still need to take a shower." She smirked. "Guess the fun's gonna have to wait."

"Anyone ever tell you you're a maniac?" Olivia whispered as she softly kissed Amanda's lips.

The blonde arched an eyebrow in question but her blue eyes glistened in amusement. "Only with you." She slowly let go of her lover, the smile fading from her face. "We caught a nasty one last night."

"How bad?" Olivia asked.

They didn't do this very often. Most times they didn't talk about work within the walls of their home. The darkness and horrors they saw every day did not belong in their personal lives but sometimes they had no choice but to vent. The emotions would rise and there was only one way out; by being honest about them. Over the years Olivia had learnt to distance herself from a lot of the things she saw but the pain in her heart was never truly gone. Now that she sadness in Amanda's eyes she realised that something about it had touched her.

"Young female, attacked in Hell's Kitchen. Perps beat her up bad, left her for dead by her car." Amanda swallowed hard as she remembered seeing Shonda Jameson on the gurdy, her face bloodied and her eyes full of fear. "She asked me something and I wish I knew what to tell her."

"What did she ask you?" Olivia's hand found Amanda's in support.

Amanda's blue eyes reflected the turmoil she felt over what Shonda Jameson had said. "She asked how a woman could do this to another woman."

"Her attacker was a woman?" Olivia asked. The expression on her face changed as the information sank in. She had only worked a handful of cases where women had been the perpetrator and they only rarely involved violence. Men were not the only abusers in the world and although it was rare for women to be one committing the crime, it wasn't unheard of. "They sexually assaulted her?"

Amanda nodded. "God knows what they used on her. She said they used racial slurs. Looks like we got ourselves another hate crime."

"OK," Olivia whispered softly and kissed Amanda's forehead. "We'll get them, I promise."

"I'd better grab a shower. Cragen wants me back as soon as possible," Amanda said and turned away from Olivia. "I'll be quick. You can drop me off at the precinct before going to court."

Amanda walked through the apartment to the bathroom, stripped from her clothes and stepped into the shower. She washed her hair, scrubbed herself several times with her favourite shower gel and stood under the hot flow of water for a little bit longer before reluctantly getting out. She wrapped a towel around herself and walked back into the bedroom to find Olivia waiting for her. She cocked an eyebrow.

"What's wrong?"

"Alex just called. Court's been adjourned before we even started for the day. Something about the defence losing their expert witness," Olivia said and shrugged herself out of her blazer. "Not that it would do us any harm. I can't imagine anyone would want to testify for that prick. I'll drive in with you."

Amanda change into a pair of simple black slacks and a burgundy red button up shirt. She put her holster and gun back on her hip and clipped her badge to her belt. When she looked up she found Olivia watching her, a smile gracing her lips. She has gotten so used to having the other woman around that she had completely forgotten that less than a year ago neither of them would ever have considered this possible. At least now some part of their life had turned out normal.

They left the apartment together and stopped off to buy breakfast along the way. After that they made their way to the precinct and walked in to find everyone but Fin at their desks. Olivia's arrival caused Munch's eyebrows to rise up.

"Aren't you supposed to be in court with Cabot?"

"Change of plan," Olivia said. "Defence lost their witness, Alex couldn't go ahead. Try again tomorrow." She glanced at the board. Shonda Jameson's picture was now surrounded by other pieces of paper. "Someone's been busy."

"Did some background checks on our vic. It wasn't the first time someone knocked her about," Munch said and walked over to the board. "She filed a restraining order against Samuel Henderson in 2009, claimed he was abusive. He violated the order after just two days and broke her jaw in three places. I checked, he's still a guest of the state. In Rikers."

"Rollins, Amaro, I want you two to go back to the crime scene. See if the deli or any of the other shops nearby has surveillance cameras. Take whatever footage you can get." Cragen had walked out of his office and his eye now fell on Olivia. "Liv, go have a word with CSU. They should have found something on that pipe by now."

"Where's Fin?" Amanda asked, her gaze lingering on her partner's empty desk.

Cragen's voice was solemn. "Bellevue called ten minutes ago. Shonda Jameson suffered an internal bleeding. She died before they could operate on her."

Olivia's brown eyes found Amanda's blue. "Our rape case just became a murder investigation."

The detectives went their separate ways and Amanda and Nick drove back to the crime scene Amanda had attended earlier that night. It didn't look as gritty in daylight. The yellow police tape still marked the spot where Shonda had been found and a police car stood parked on the other side of the road, keeping an eye on the scene. Amanda's eyes lingered on the large pool of blood that had formed just off the sidewalk. No one had bothered to clean it up.

"Is this the deli your vic came from?" Amaro asked and pointed at the small grocery store.

Amanda nodded. "She said she'd gone in to get some stuff and was walking back to her car." She pointed at one of the four parking spots in front of the shop. "It was right there. The other three were empty. Her car was the only one here."

They stepped into the small shop clutching a photo of their victim and Amanda approached the man behind the counter. He was about forty, she guessed, with thinning black hair and cold, grey eyes. Something about him unnerved her but she couldn't put a finger on the exact reason why. She put the picture down on the counter and pushed it towards him. "Was she here last night?"

"Lady, I can barely remember what I had for breakfast," he groaned. He didn't even bother looking at the picture. Anger settled in Amanda's stomach.

"Look, this woman was attacked outside of your shop last night, carrying a bag of groceries she bought from you," Amanda said. It was when she got angry that her southern accent really started to show and she could see the man's face change. "Did you see her or did you see anyone outside your shop?"

"I think I saw her," the owner tentatively answered. "I don't see many women walking around on their own late at night. I remember thinking that she was either desperate or stupid."

"Or brave," Amanda added.

"Do you have security cameras?" Amaro asked. He leant casually across the counter. When the owner nodded he glanced at Amanda. They were one step closer to finding a clue. "We're going to need them."

Once they had the security footage they left the little market and Amanda looked around. Ninth Avenue was well known for its food places. New York never slept and people never stopped eating. Most of the restaurants were open till late. "There are loads of bars and restaurants here. People would have been coming and going. Someone must have seen something."

"Let's try the ones across the road," Amaro said.

They made their way across the street and Amanda pushed against the door of a small bar. It was dimly lit inside and it smelt of alcohol and cigarettes, even though smoking inside was illegal. The old jukebox in the corner played an old classic Eagles song and a red haired woman stood behind the bar, wiping up glasses. When she spotted the two detectives coming in she put down her towel and her features hardened.

"We're closed."

"We're not here for a drink," Amanda cut her off and showed her the picture. "Did you see her last night?"

The woman shook her head. "No. I think I'd remember her."

"She was attacked across the street last night as she was leaving the grocery store," Amanda explained. "Did you see anyone, say around one am, acting a little different?"

The redhead shook her head. "This is a bar. By one am in the morning everyone's acting different."

"Do you know the names of any of your regulars?" Amaro asked. "Anyone who may have been in here last night and left around the time the attack took place? They may have seen something."

"Nah, I can't help you."

"Thank you for your time." Amanda flashed an insincere smile and she and Amaro stepped back out onto the streets. She looked at him and shook her head. "It is going to be impossible to try and find out who was in these bars at what time. A needle in a haystack doesn't even come close."

"Let's try a couple more and then we'll call it a day," Amaro suggested. He sounded more optimistic than Amanda felt but she followed him anyway.

~()~

By the time they got back to the precinct it was almost lunchtime. Amanda reached for the laptop on her desk. She put the disk she took from the market owner in and waited for it to open. Amaro had started writing up the statements related to their visits to the bar earlier and Munch and Olivia were nowhere to be found. Amanda longingly glanced at her lover's empty desk. Something about this case was dragging her down.

It took her a little while to find the right time on the security footage and then played the images in slow motion. She watched Shonda Jameson walk into the deli market. The two other cameras in the shop followed her around and Amanda watched her do her shopping. There was a sense of regret as she watched the footage. Grocery shopping was considered such a harmless, basic part of life that people never stopped to consider that one day it could change. For Shonda Jameson that happened last night. She hadn't expected to go to the store and be attacked. She had expected to leave, go home, and carry on with her life.

"Nick!" she called out suddenly and the male detective's head whipped around. She hit the pause button and turned around. "You gotta see this."

"What's that?"

"The footage from outside the shop," Amanda said and pressed 'play' when she felt Amaro lean over the back of her chair. "Look what happens in the lower left corner."

They watched as three individuals walked into the screen. One approached Shonda Jameson's car and circled it a couple of times. The other two remained outside the shop. They were all wearing white hoodies, obscuring their faces and their general body posture.

Amanda pointed at the one on the right. "This one's carrying a bag."

"They came prepared," Amaro whispered. "How did they even know she was there?"

"Maybe they followed her?"

"From where? Shonda drove to the store after coming back from work. How could they have followed her if they walked?"

Amanda's hand covered her mouth as she watched the next scene unfold on her screen. "Oh my God."

Shonda Jameson walked out of the supermarket and towards her car. The weak light of a street lamp briefly illuminated her face. One of the three hooded figure suddenly ran towards her in what looked like an unprovoked attack. Amanda's stomach turned when she watched the baseball bat make contact with Shonda's head. She fell down beside her car, clinging on to it as she did. She had been about to open the trunk, probably to put her groceries away. The angle meant that no one could see her from the shop. The camera only picked up the shadows as her attackers moved.

"They brought their weapons with them," Amaro said softly and he pointed his index finger at the bag pack Amanda saw earlier. It lay by the car's rear wheel and one of the attackers reached to take something out of it.

"They used the metal bar to assault her." The bile rose in the back of Amanda's throat and she swallowed hard in an attempt to get rid of it.

"Confirms what CSU found."

Olivia had appeared behind them and she stared at the screen of Amanda's laptop. "The blood all belongs to Shonda Jameson and they found cervical cells too. Proof that they used the metal bar to rape her."

Munch chose that moment to walk back into the squad room, clutching a file. "We have a bigger problem than that."

"What do you mean?" Amanda asked.

The older detective started sticking different pictures of women onto the board. Their faces were all swollen, beaten and bruised and the first thing that struck Amanda was that they were all black and Hispanic. Munch slowly turned around to look at Nick, Olivia and Amanda.

"Because they have attacked before."


	3. Chapter 3

**Author's note: **Now here is a little something that should make ya'll happy...

* * *

**Chapter 3**

_You've been hiding, never letting it show_  
_Always trying to keep it under control_  
_You got it down and you're well_  
_On the way to the top_  
_But there's something that you forgot_  
_~Heart – What About Love_

Amanda stared at the board. The victim's faces were staring back at her. She had seen things like this before. Women who had been beaten by their attackers and left for dead, but something about this case was different. It left an unpleasant aftertaste in her mouth. She slowly turned to face her colleagues and placed her hands on her hips.

"How did we not know about this?"

Munch looked at Amanda and held up several print outs. "Reports were filed with different precincts. Queens, Brooklyn, New Jersey and now Manhattan."

Olivia heaved a sigh and walked over to Amanda. The palm over her hand grazed across the blonde's arm in support but her dark eyes were fixed on the pictures on the board. "Perps are smart. Hit different boroughs and avoid police connecting the cases."

"Wouldn't be the first idiot out there with more than one brain cell," Fin added. He came walking back into the squad room, hands pushed deeply into the pockets of his jeans.

"Though this is the first time the victim died," Munch said and started pacing around in front of the board. "Over the past six weeks there have been four attacks on women across New York." He pointed at the first picture. "Marisol Hernandez was attacked after leaving a bar in Queens. She managed to tell officers that she thought her attackers were female."

"Was she sexually assaulted?" Olivia asked.

Munch nodded. "But she didn't tell officers this till several days after the attack. She went home, got cleaned up and walked into the nearest police station the next morning. She was rushed to hospital that same day with a suspected double fracture to her skull."

Amanda studied the pictures of the three other women. All their faces were bruised and swollen. "What happened to the other three?"

"Stories are all quite similar. Letesha Marcus was attacked after leaving a community centre where she had attended a sign language course. She was beaten, assaulted and left for dead in an alley. It took her worried mother five hours to find her when she didn't come home." Munch focused on the other remaining pictures. "Lydia Mendez walked home after meeting with her boyfriend. She was dragged into an empty apartment complex, beaten within an inch of her life, sexually assaulted before being left outside the building on the sidewalk. Ameli Dimitrius was attacked after leaving the late shift in the coffee bar where she worked. Perps assaulted her and almost strangled her with something that could very well have been a belt."

"A total of five women, all non-Caucasian and all were beaten and assaulted by a group of women," Olivia said softly. Wide eyed she looked around the group and recognised the anger in Fin's eyes. Cases like this, were victims were targeted for their skin colour, angered him even more than it did the others. "What the hell have we walked into now?"

Cragen looked around his group of detectives. "Fin, Rollins, you two have been up since two this morning. You each take turns for a couple of hours in the cribs before you do anything else. Amaro, Munch, go and talk to the other victims. See if any of them are able to identify their attackers somehow. Liv, take the security footage to Morales and see if he can clear it up a bit. Grainy footage like that never caught a perp."

"You take the first round in the cribs," Fin said when he watched Amanda walk back to her desk. "There's no way I'm going to be able to sleep right now."

"Thanks."

She smile weakly and abandoned her desk. She crossed the length of the squad room and stepped into the adjacent room that housed several bunk beds. She had only slept in here a handful of time before, and never for good reasons. The only time she ever slept at the precinct was when a case would keep them there for days on end or when she had been called out in the middle of night without a chance to catch up on her sleep.

Amanda's head whipped around when she heard the door open again but released her breath when she recognised Olivia. The older woman crossed the room and slowly lifted Amanda's chin up with her fingers, forcing the blonde to look at her. "You OK?"

"Just tired," Amanda whispered.

"You should try and get some sleep," Olivia encouraged her and sank down on one of the bottom beds. She pulled Amanda down with her and her hand started drawing circles on her lover's lower back. Amanda rested her head against Olivia's shoulder, enjoying the warmth the brunette's hand left behind. She didn't know why this case bothered her so much. Sometimes a case just grabbed them, for whatever reasons.

Amanda's eyes snapped wide open when she felt Olivia softly kiss the side of her neck and slowly turned to face her lover. "I thought you said I should sleep?"

"You probably should," Olivia whispered and her free hand slowly travelled up along Amanda's thigh. Even through the denim Amanda could feel Olivia's nails graze across her flesh and she shivered. The back of her throat became dry and she leant in until she felt Olivia's hot breath against her skin. It almost left her unable to breathe and her gaze dropped to Olivia's lips.

It was the sign Olivia had been waiting for and she eagerly pressed her lips against Amanda's. Almost immediately Amanda's tongue met her own and slender digits reached up to release Olivia's hair from the clip she had used to tie it up. The chestnut strands rained down her shoulders and Amanda buried her hands in them, pulling Olivia deeper into the kiss. The hand that had been resting on Amanda's thigh slowly trailed up across her stomach and Amanda moaned softly into the kiss when she felt Olivia's fingers follow the swell of her breasts through her shirt.

"We shouldn't do this here," Amanda whispered when they parted and rested her forehead against Olivia's.

"Have another look at the door," Olivia breathed and Amanda's eyes unwillingly drifted away from her lover. A smile tugged at her lips when she noticed the lock had been turned and her eyes snapped back at Olivia. "No one's going to come in here for a little while."

"Why now?" Amanda asked. Her breath hitched when she felt Olivia's fingers circle around her nipple.

Olivia teasingly nipped at Amanda's lower lip. "Because I know what you need when you feel like this."

It was something they had discovered quite early in their relationship. Amanda would go through phases where she'd want Olivia to take control. Most times they were perfectly happy with sharing their desire to be on top but there were times where Amanda would willingly give herself over to Olivia's demands. It didn't happen often and the whole thing usually lacked any form of sensuality but it was something that Amanda craved. She wasn't ashamed of it. It was a want, a lust of some kind that needed to be fulfilled every so often. What she was ashamed of was how well Olivia knew her and how the older woman had figured out real quick exactly what it was Amanda wanted and how to give it to her.

She gave Olivia permission with just one look and held the detective's gaze as the older woman slowly unbuttoned Amanda's shirt. The fabric slid away from her pale flesh, revealing the white laced bra she wore underneath. Olivia's eyes darkened with lust as she reached around Amanda's back and unhooked the remaining piece of clothing. Amanda shivered when the cold air of the room hit her bare flesh and her nipples hardened almost instantly.

Olivia slowly crawled further onto the bed and pushed Amanda down onto her back. She placed her knees firmly on either side of her lover's body and leant in. A twisted little smile played around her lips as she blew her hot breath over Amanda's proud nipple. A soft whimper from Amanda made her dark eyes snap up. She didn't wait for Amanda to express her desire and slowly her index finger began circling Amanda's breasts, inching closer to her nipples.

Her right hand trailed across Amanda's taut stomach and came to a rest when she reached her jeans. Without breaking the eye contact she unbuttoned it and slowly pulled down the zip. It wasn't until she let her hand slide behind the denim that she moved in and her hungry lips crashed down upon Amanda's, smothering the sudden outcry of desire that followed Olivia's fingers slipping behind Amanda's panties.

The electricity that coursed through her caused Amanda's hips to buck more desperately and her fingers tangled in Olivia's hair even tighter. Her back arched when she felt Olivia's fingers slide across her most sensitive spot and whimpered into the kiss when Olivia entered her. Her eyes rolled back into her head when her lover started a deep, slow rhythm.

It was less about love and more about release this time and Amanda's mind soon focused on the ministrations of Olivia's fingers between her legs. She was restricted in her movement by the fact she was still wearing her jeans as well as her lover pinning her down into the mattress but her blue eyes snapped open when she felt the excitement and desire build up in the pit of her stomach. Olivia's now almost black eyes were staring down at her and Amanda fought for air when she felt Olivia increase her rhythm.

"Oh God, I love you, Liv," Amanda whispered as she pulled the brunette down for another kiss.

Their lips were pressed tightly together when she hit her orgasm and Amanda rode the waves of pleasure slowly. Her heart pounded in her chest and she thought she was going to explode. When she finally regained control over her limbs she found Olivia looking at her, a little smile around her lips.

"What?" she breathed. Strands of blonde hair stuck to her clammy forehead.

"You said you loved me."

Amanda blinked a couple of times and the vague memory of uttering those words slowly returned to her. Her cheeks turned a deep shaped of scarlet. "I did."

Olivia slid down beside her lover and Amanda reached for her shirt that had ended up somewhere on the bed. She covered her chest with it before rolling onto her side to look at Olivia. There was barely enough room for them on the single bed but lying so close to each other meant they just about fit. She let her fingers run along Olivia's arm.

"I do, you know," she whispered. "Love you."

Olivia couldn't remember the last time anyone had spoken those words to her. She couldn't remember anyone ever saying them to her with the same sincerity Amanda did. Eight months they had been together and it felt like the best thing that ever happened to her. Not even Alex had ever shared those words with her the way Amanda had just done. The honesty in her blue eyes made Olivia realise that her lover had just dared to bear her soul to her for the very first time. Olivia finally got to see the whole of Amanda.

"I love you too," she whispered in return and brushed a strand of Amanda's hair out of her eyes. "I can think of a more romantic place to tell you that and I kinda wish I had but it doesn't change anything about the way I feel."

"Thank you," Amanda uttered. She ignored the cold on her skin. "For coming in here, I mean." She rested her head against Olivia's chest and the older woman kissed her bare shoulder. "I still can't quite believe this is all happening."

"Well, you better believe it," Olivia smiled into Amanda's blonde hair. "Because it is."

There was an unexpected knock on the door and Olivia's snapped around so fast that she nearly fell off the bed. Through the frosted glass she recognised Fin. "Liv! Captain wants to see you."

"Great timing," Olivia groaned and rolled off the bed. She turned around to look at Amanda. She had sat up too and was busy putting her bra and shirt back on. Olivia waited till her lover was appropriately dressed before walking to the door and opening it. Fin was waiting outside and he looked from Amanda to Olivia and back. He didn't speak but the fact that Olivia's hair was no longer tied up gave him all the answers he needed. He merely smirked as he closed the door, leaving Amanda on her own in the cribs.

She sank back down on the bed and curled up onto her side. The smile on her lips was persistent. This wasn't the first time she and Olivia had shared a moment in the cribs. In fact, it had happened only the week before. That night there had been nobody else there but them. What happened today was different from that night. This had been Olivia trying to make her feel better, trying to make her feel better. It was in these moments that she willingly allowed herself to be like wax in Olivia's hands.

Amanda didn't expect to fall asleep but after a little while her eyes slowly closed and she slipped into a quiet world of slumber.

~()~

"Morales managed to clear up the security footage we picked up from the grocery store where Shonda Jameson was attacked," Munch said when Amanda walked back into the squad room two hours later. Her eyes briefly flashed towards Olivia, who was leaning back in her chair, her hands folded behind her neck. Munch stuck three stills onto the board, underneath the pictures of their victims.

"Still no faces," Fin observed. "Just hoodies."

"Morales was pretty sure that the attackers are indeed female. Height and estimated weight are consistent with that of a woman," Munch said. "It's all we have."

"Three women in hoodies who attack Hispanic and African American women," Amanda said and her eyes darted around the squad room. "Is anyone thinkin' what I'm thinkin'?

"You're thinking there's a racist motive to all of this?"

"Shonda Jameson said that her attackers used a racial slur," Amaro said. "Other victims said the same thing. They all identified their attackers as female and they all shouted racial abuse. We are definitely looking at a hate crime."

Olivia placed her hands on her hips. "We've seen plenty of white men being part of racist groups. How many women are part of them?"

"There's someone who can give us a possible answer," Cragen said and several sets of eyes snapped in his direction. "I just got off the phone with George Huang. He'll be on the first flight out of Oklahoma and should be here tomorrow. Until then, go back to the neighbourhood. Focus on any places that may have associations with racist groups in the city."

"There's a couple of biker bars not far from the deli where Shonda was attacked," Olivia suggested. "It's a long shot but it's worth a try. Some of those bikers have been known to hang out with the Aryan Brotherhood."

Amanda glanced at Fin. He didn't have a rest earlier but judging from the look in his eyes she guessed he wasn't about to go to the cribs now. She patted his arm and grabbed her jacket of the back of her chair. "Come on, partner. Let's try and catch these bastards."


	4. Chapter 4

**Author's note: **If you loved me before, ya'll love me even more now.

* * *

**Chapter 4**

_On and on the rain will fall__  
Like tears from a star like tears from a star__  
On and on the rain will say__  
How fragile we are how fragile we are__  
~Sting - Fragile_

The remainder of the day was spent canvassing the neighbourhood where the attack had taken place for a second time. Fin and Amanda walked from bar to bar and from shop to shop, asking anyone if they had seen or heard anyone the night before. They came back with three more cd's full of security footage taken at different shops from a variety of angles and sent them straight to Morales to be cleared up. Olivia and Amaro paid a visit to the victim's mother but apart from hearing stories about how kind and caring Shonda had been, they came back with a whole lot of nothing.

It was almost eight o'clock at night and the sun started to go down, painting the New York skies in shades of amber and red. The SVU squad room was emptier than it had been a couple hours earlier, with most of the detectives gone home for the night. Empty Chinese take away boxes stood on Olivia's desk, surrounded by plastic cups from which they had drunk their diet coke. They had tried to fit the pieces together but there was just too much missing to complete the picture.

"Go home," Cragen said as she came walking out of his office. "I just got off the phone with Huang. His flight leaves Oklahoma in an hour. He'll be here first thing tomorrow morning." He glanced at the pictures on the wall. "Did we get anywhere with the other precincts?"

Munch shook his head. "I spoke to all the officers who dealt with the previous cases. After that I called the women that were attacked before but none of them could give much detail. The only thing they all agreed on was that their attackers were white."

"Bringing us back to the possibility of a female white supremacist gang," Olivia sighed and rubbed the back of her neck. "I'll never understand those idiots." She stood up, grabbed her jacket from the back of her chair and walked over to Amanda's desk. The blonde woman was still looking at the stills from the security footage they obtained that morning. She had tried to reverse the camera angle on her laptop, hoping to catch a glimpse in a window somewhere. So far nothing had worked. Olivia put a hand on her shoulder. "Come on, time to go."

They said goodnight and the two female detectives left the squad room. They made their way to Amanda's car and she drove the two of them back to her apartment. Olivia hadn't mentioned she wanted to go back to her place so Amanda just assumed. They climbed the stairs to her floor and Amanda fumbled with her keys for a couple of seconds before unlocking the door. More so than usual was she aware of Olivia standing closely behind her, a hand on her hip.

Once they were inside the apartment, Olivia noticed how quiet Amanda was and stopped her lover from walking into the living room, forcing her to turn around as she took her arm. The touch was soft but effective. Questioning brown eyes found Amanda's blue. "What's wrong?"

Amanda chewed her bottom lip. "Nothin'."

"Come on, Amanda, it's practically written across your face," Olivia said softly. "What's up?"

"I was just thinkin'," Amanda answered reluctantly. She peered up at Olivia through her eyelashes and the older woman could see the discomfort. Something was bothering Amanda. "About earlier, in the cribs."

Olivia cocked her head. "Why?"

"I know that you said I needed it and I know I did too but…" Amanda hesitated. "I don't want you to have to do things like that, Liv." She took a deep breath. "We never really talked about why it happens or why I need it sometimes, you know."

"Ok," Olivia said. "Do you want to talk about it?"

She thought she understood Amanda's needs. It was like an untold story between them that there were moments that Amanda needed to be selfish, where the sex between them wasn't about them being in love but more about Amanda needing to feel grounded once again. It wasn't a coping mechanism but it was a way for her to calm herself down, relax herself enough to carry on with what she needed to do. Sometimes it was what she needed to go to sleep and Olivia always happily obliged.

"I don't know."

"Honey, did you think I did it because you wanted it but I didn't?" Olivia whispered, bringing her lips closer to Amanda's ear. She barely detected Amanda's nod but it was there. Olivia released her breath and wrapped both her arms around her lover, pulling her into an embrace. "I know you, Amanda. I know what you need and if that's it than I am happy to give it to you." Slowly she pushed the blonde away until their eyes met. "If it were the other way around, you'd do it too, right?"

Amanda nodded. She suddenly looked so fragile and so young. Olivia didn't think about the age difference between them very often. She doubted Amanda did either but there were moments when she looked at her, in those unguarded seconds, where she was struck by Amanda's appearance. It was only then that she realised they were more than decade apart but when they were together, in every way, she forgot all about it.

"Is it a control thing?" Olivia asked softly and brushed a strand of hair out of Amanda's eyes. They had never really talked about what happened in Atlanta, before Amanda left. She figured Amanda would open up, or not, when the time was right. Olivia hadn't talked about what happened to her either. "Do you need to let go sometimes but you don't know how? Or do you feel like you need to let go and you need me to help you?"

"It is a need or a want, like a desire that I can't… you know… handle," Amanda admitted. She felt her cheeks flush red. She had never been uncomfortable talking about sex, especially not with Olivia, but there was something very intimate and personal about what they were discussing now. She had never felt this need before, not since being with Olivia, and speaking it out loud, leaving it in the open between them, was confrontational in more ways than one. Amanda had found that the older woman was just about willing to try everything, much to her surprise. Olivia had proven to be a skilled lover. "I am in control of everything, all the time. Sometimes I just need... To let go..."

Olivia's eyes softened and she let her index finger trail down Amanda's jaw. The truth about what Amanda was trying to tell her slowly registered. "And let me take control." She gave a slight jerk with her head and stepped closer to her lover. There was a sudden unexplained tension between them, like the confession had broken an invisible boundary between them neither had even known existed. "I understand, Amanda. Do you… you think you need a safe word?"

Amanda shook her head. She had thought about this over and over again in recent weeks. The desire had grown stronger, lingering inside of her. "I don't think I'll ever let it go that far."

"Why don't we choose one together?" Olivia said, her hand now running up along Amanda's waist. Something about her lover's confession stirred an undiscovered feeling inside her stomach. "A word that's good for both of us, in whatever situation. A word that tells us to end things there and then." Brown eyes connected with blue. "It doesn't have to mean anything if you don't want it to." When Amanda nodded, Olivia took a deep breath. "How about 'red'?"

"Red?" Amanda asked, unable to suppress a smirk. "What kind of a safe word is that?"

"Far more common than you think," Olivia answered with a knowing smile. "I'll spare you the explanation."

"Ok," Amanda said softly and leant in to close the distance between her and Olivia. Their lips softly brushed together. "The word is 'red.'" The tip of her tongue followed the shape of Olivia's lips and she felt the older woman's breath hitch. A teasing smile spread across Amanda's face as she slowly went about unbuttoning Olivia's shirt. Warm fingertips grazed across sizzling flesh and Amanda's blue eyes darkened a few shades as she pushed the soft material away from Olivia's olive coloured skin.

"Why is that whenever you touch me, I just can't help myself?" Olivia whispered as she pressed her lips just underneath Amanda's ear. She felt her lover's heartbeat against the tip of her tongue and she circled it, kissing the glowing skin softly.

Amanda's slender fingers unbuckled Olivia's pants and lust filled dark blue eyes found her lover's brown. "Magic." She pushed Olivia's hands away when she attempted to pull her shirt out of her jeans and shook her head. "I've had my turn. This…" She slowly unzipped the pants, causing Olivia to hiss softly. "…is all about you."

She unzipped her own jean and stepped out of them. Olivia's gaze dropped down along her lover's bare legs and she licked her lips at the sight. She went to reach but Amanda shook her head. She caught Olivia's fingers between her own and brought them up to her lips, kissing them softly. The love reflected in her eyes.

Leaving Olivia's shirt on the floor, Amanda took her lover's hand and lead her across the apartment to the bedroom. There was a sense of anticipation in the air. Her eyes never broke contact with Olivia's when she slowly pushed her down to the bed, their bed, and straddled her. Olivia stared back up at her, her eyes dark with passion. Her back arched off the mattress when she felt Amanda's fingers cup her breast through her bra.

Amanda hovered over her lover and soft, warm lips trailed their way down from the side of her lover's neck. She smiled when she heard Olivia moan softly and skilfully slipped an arm around her back, unhooking her bra. Her hands continued downwards and she slowly peeled the black slacks down Olivia's thighs, revealing the matching panties. Amanda pushed herself up and slowly unbuttoned her own shirt, letting it fall away from her body.

"God, you're beautiful," Olivia whispered as she watched Amanda slowly remove her bra. When she reached out to touch her, Amanda caught her wrist and pushed her arm back down against the mattress. A cheeky smile flashed across her face.

"Not tonight," she replied.

Olivia reluctantly agreed and her teeth sank down into her bottom lip when Amanda's fingers trailed across her swollen nipples. The back of her throat became dry and her heart pounded against her chest so loudly that she thought it was going to explode. She groaned when Amanda's nails clawed across her stomach. Feeling the younger woman across her skin was intoxicating. She whimpered when Amanda's tongue flicked across her nipples and her fingers dug deeply into the sheets, her knuckles turning white.

Amanda kissed her way across her lover's chest, aware of how Olivia's muscles tensed up underneath her lips. The older woman's skin glistened with a fine layer of sweat as Amanda explored her way down further. Her hands ran up along the inside of Olivia's thighs. She could feel the heat radiating from her skin and her throaty chuckle brought Olivia into her next stage of ecstasy.

Amanda's tongue dipped down into Olivia's belly button before kissing her way down further. She hooked a hand behind her thigh, slowly parting Olivia's legs. The scent of her lover's arousal sent a jolt of excitement through her body and Olivia grabbed fistfuls of blonde hair when she felt Amanda's tongue slide through the slickness. Her back arched, her toes curled and a quiet groan escaped her when Amanda's index finger pressed against her entrance before sliding inside.

Olivia's eyes fluttered shut, her body undulating with every soft thrust inside of her. She was so close that she was about to come undone at any moment. She took a shaky breath, the oxygen barely making its way into her lungs. The tension in her stomach mounted, building up to an explosion. A raw outcry of desire echoed off the bedroom walls as Olivia yanked at the sheets so hard that she pulled them off the bed. Her body trembled and shook as she rode wave after wave of her orgasm.

Amanda climbed her way back up alongside Olivia's body, placing butterfly kisses across her sweaty skin. The older woman had rolled onto her side, her legs pulled up to her chest, as the final waves of her orgasm slowly subsided. Her skin was hot and Amanda ran her index finger across her lover's spine, feeling Olivia shudder under her touch. She pulled the comforter up to cover both their bodies and wrapped an arm around Olivia's waist as she buried her face in her neck, inhaling the familiar scent of Olivia's perfume.

She was home.

~()~

The next morning they walked into the squad room together, each clutching a cup of coffee. Olivia's eyes darted around the room as soon as she walked in and her senses almost immediately told he something was off. She reached her desk, put down her coffee and then looked over at Cragen's office. He was already in and she spotted a second figure standing by his desk. The door was open and she could only see the visitor from behind. Olivia didn't recognise him.

"Benson! Rollins!"

It was as if he had read her mind. Cragen appeared in the office doorway and beckoned for them to come over. As they walked in his direction, Munch, Fin and Amaro walked into the squad room too and they received the same invite. Sharing questioning glances, the five detectives stepped into their captain's office and Olivia felt an uncomfortable feeling sneak up on her when Cragen closed the door. She turned to look at the unknown visitor standing by Cragen's desk.

She guessed he was about forty-five, with brown hair and blue eyes. The lines across his face told the silent stories of a man who had seen too much. Dressed in an expensive suit and rather ugly tie, Olivia suspected they were dealing with another high ranked police officer. Subconsciously she moved closer to Amanda. She didn't know why but her protective nature kicked in.

"Detectives, this is Lieutenant Joe Malcolm," Cragen said and his eyes found Nick. The detective nodded. He had indeed recognised the unexpected arrival. "He's in charge of the Gang Unit."

"Gang Unit? What brings you to Sex Crimes?" Fin asked. There was a hint of defensiveness in his voice. Normally when another unit entered their scene it meant they were about to lose their case. Nobody was particularly thrilled when that happened.

"Two of you were identified yesterday, asking questions in various bars in Hell's Kitchen," Lieutenant Malcolm answered. His gaze fixed on Fin. "Detective Tutuola and Detective Rollins." His eyes found Amanda. "Two of my men saw you going into a bar just off Ninth Avenue called the Palace."

Amanda furrowed her brow. "Upscale place, overpriced wine and foreign beers?" she questioned and Malcolm nodded. "We spoke to the owner about an attack that took place two days ago. The woman said she didn't know anything about it." Judging from the Lieutenant she guessed there was more to it. "What has that got to do with the Gang Unit?"

"A lot more than you think," Malcolm answered. The look in his eyes reflected worry. "The Palace is being used as a front for a gang."

Amanda scoffed. "Really? That place looks like it caters for Wall Street, not your average gangbanger."

Malcolm shook his head. "Your Captain tells me you're dealing with the cases of five women who have been attacked in recent weeks. All black or Hispanic and all claim that their attackers are white females."

Olivia took a step towards Malcolm. "Keep talking."

"A few weeks ago we received intelligence that a new gang had started to form on the streets of New York," Malcolm explained. "We heard some chatter about altercations between women in Brooklyn and Queens but at first we struggled to determine if we were dealing with another gang. However, soon we discovered a frightening pattern in some of the attacks. A new gang is forming and it is unlike anything we've seen before."

"Female white supremacists," Olivia concluded. "We've seen a couple of them in the past but they were always working alongside men. What has you convinced that these are solely women?"

"Because we haven't seen any male involvement in any of the attacks. The women operate in small groups, hardly ever in the same combination. We don't know exactly how many of them there are. Numbers vary from anywhere from about seven to twenty," Malcolm explained. "We have been unable to infiltrate the gang itself. They are suspicious of outsiders and we don't have the manpower."

"How did you find them?" Amaro asked. "Why that bar in Hell's Kitchen?"

"These women aren't your average gangbangers from the bad neighbourhoods," Malcolm explained. "We think they are in high power jobs. Bankers, lawyers, you name it."

"The case belongs to the Gang Unit now," Cragen said and Olivia's dark eyes snapped in his direction. He could see the defiance in her eyes and braced himself for the objections that would surely follow. "They've been sitting on this for weeks. I want you to hand over everything you've found to Lieutenant Malcolm and move on to your next case."

"Captain, Shonda Williams was killed by one of these women and you just want us to back off?!" Olivia's eyes were blazing with anger and she crossed her arms in front of her chest. "You can't honestly expect us to take a backseat on this?"

"I can and I do."

Olivia raised her hands in the air and shook her head in disbelief. "Fine." Her dark eyes found Malcolm. "But you had better make damn sure you find the monsters that did this."

He held her gaze. "Don't worry, Detective Benson. We will."


	5. Chapter 5

**Author's note: **OK, so no one is particularly fond of the Gang Unit leader. Ya'll are going to hate him even more. There's a lot of stuff going on in my life right now and I am trying to keep the updates daily but it is proving to be challenging. I am working almost 40 hours over the next three days and next week doesn't look too great either. Only positive thing I see is that it will be Wednesday before I know it and we get another SVU episode. Thanks for all your reviews so far, folks. They mean a lot to me. I noticed there are a fair few stories for this pairing out there now so the ship is taking off. YAY!

* * *

**Chapter 5**

_So darlin'_  
_Keep this heart in mind_  
_whenever the lights of love don't shine._  
_Darlin' keep this heart in mind_  
_everytime._  
_~Bonnie Raitt – Keep This Heart In Mind_

"Someone asked for a consult?"

Olivia looked up when she recognised George Huang's voice and she quickly vacated her desk to hug him. It had been too long since she'd seen him and he welcomed her embrace. When she let go of him he eyed her up and she could see the twinkle of amusement in his eyes.

"I hear congratulations are in order," he said and his eyes quickly flashed towards Amanda.

"Took me long enough but yeah," Olivia smiled. "Eight months and counting."

"I'm happy for you, Liv," George smiled. "You deserve it."

The rest of the team made their way over to say hello and once they had the friendly formalities out of the way, the reason they had called him in emerged. Olivia walked him over to the white board. After Malcolm left they had written down everything he said but they were still missing a lot of information. She gave George a sideways glance.

"Captain wanted us to drop the case. I managed to persuade him to wait until we'd spoken to you."

"What do we know?" George asked.

"Suspected female white supremacists operating in groups, attacking black and Hispanic women," Amanda replied and took a stand next to Olivia. She stared at the pictures on the board. She felt restless and angry because she had failed to get their faces. "Gang Unit is sitting on them but if you ask me, they'll attack again. It's what they do."

George looked at Amanda, nodding in agreement. "You're right. Gangs like this don't just stop at once. They use their hatred as their fuel."

"We've seen white supremacists before but never with women at the helm," Olivia said. She fingered the golden chain around her neck as she thought back to meeting Dana Lewis, the FBI Agent who had been undercover inside of the many white supremacists group in New York. She had hated Star Morrison when she first laid eyes on her but she had grown fond of Dana after she found out the position she had been placed in. A smile graced her lips as she looked at George. "I think we all know who I'm talking about."

"Malcolm said they think these women are in high end jobs, like bankers and lawyers," Amanda said and brushed a strand of hair out of her eyes.

George took a deep breath. "Which means they're smart, well educated. Not your average racist lowlife with a big mouth. These women are calculated, are probably used to dealing with pressure." He pointed at the pictures of the hooded figures. "They are clever enough not to face any cameras. It's like they know the area where they strike."

"The bar where they supposedly hang out is right across the street," Munch said. "First they attack in other boroughs but now they move closer to home."

"A lot of perpetrators have a comfort zone. If these women work in different groups that could mean one of them lives in the area where they struck," George explained. "They have gotten bolder to struck so close to the place where they meet. You'd think they would want to keep a low profile but somehow something got them so wound up that they decided to take a risk."

"I never understood the whole racist thing," Amanda sighed. "I just don't get it." She shook her head. "I mean, we've dealt with the Aryan Brotherhood and stuff but this… this is new. Women who do stuff like this. I thought that in the right wing corners women were considered subservient to men."

George cocked his head. "You're not exactly wrong. Many right wing groups claim to be followers of the Christian tradition that men are superior to women. For many years women were just seen as baby carriers. Breeding machines, if you like. They were left in the house when the man went to war. "He turned away from the board to face the detectives. "For many years women only held supportive roles within extremist right-wing groups. They were often subservient but now more and more of these women are moving to the front line."

"Frontline? You're making it sound like a war." Fin said and George acknowledged his statement with a look. "You mean these morons actually believe this whole racial war thing?"

George nodded. "Their minds are warped but for them, the way they perceive the world, is the truth. These women are not necessarily the wives of the men we see in the Aryan Brotherhood or other racist groups. They are not housewives. They are feminists."

"I always associated feminists with left winged politics," Olivia said and George nodded.

"Time have changed."

"They have indeed," said Cragen and everyone turned around. To their surprise he wasn't alone. Lieutenant Malcolm, the guy they'd met the day before, stood beside him and his face was a picture of sadness. Olivia glanced from Amanda back to her captain and pushed her hands into the pockets of her jeans.

"What's going on, Captain?"

"There was another attack last night," Cragen said and glanced at Malcolm. "Report was filed in Harlem early this morning. Victim didn't make it."

"So you're here to give us our case back?" Olivia asked and cocked her head.

Malcolm looked around the team and his eyes eventually came to a rest on Olivia. "I'm here to ask for your help. Captain Cragen was kind enough to offer me your services."

"Services?" Amanda echoed. "What services?"

"When we spoke yesterday we discussed dhow we have been unable to infiltrate things gang. All the female agents in the Gang Unit are either Hispanic or black," Malcolm explained. "We do not have anyone available who fits the type. " His eyes flashed from Cragen to Amanda. "Until now."

"Excuse me?" Amanda arched an eyebrow. "Anyone mind explainin' what this got to with me?"

"Detective Rollins, you are on loan to the Gang Unit until further notice," Cragen said and several sets of eyes widened.

"Captain, we're in the middle of an investigation!" Olivia objected. Fear settled in her chest almost instantly. The thought of Amanda going undercover terrified her. She'd seen what those women did. She trusted her. She knew that she was a good cop and she knew she worked undercover before but now it was personal. This was the woman she loved. She wasn't going to let her out of her sight.

Amanda looked at Olivia. Seeing the fire in her eyes made her feel warm inside. She knew Olivia was trying to protect her. She was grateful for it but a part of her wanted to speak for herself, defend herself. She took a step towards Cragen and narrowed her eyes. "Why me?"

"You fit the profile that would attract a right wing extremist," Malcolm explained. "Blonde hair, blue eyes, pale skin. You'd be the perfect Aryan picture in their eyes." He watched the expression change in the blonde detective's eyes. First her eyes hardened but then her features relaxed. "You're not going in unprepared, detective. People will be watching your every move. You'll be wearing a wire at all times."

"How long?" Olivia asked and she moved closer to Amanda. A hand protectively slipped up along the inside of her arm. "How long will she have to be under?"

"As long as it takes for us to get as much information as we need," Malcolm replied and shared a final look with Cragen before starting for his office. "We'll start the briefing immediately."

"Do we get any say in this?" Olivia tried but Cragen shook his head.

"This one's out of our hands, Liv. One PP agreed to the loan first thing this morning. It's done."

The group of detectives as well as George made their way into Cragen's office. He was the last one to enter and quietly closed the door behind him. As he turned around he watched Amanda's hand slide from the small of Olivia's back and a sense of guilt settled in his chest when he saw the look they shared. He knew they were not going to be happy. When Malcolm called him earlier that morning and informed him of the plan, he had wanted to call Olivia and Amanda himself but Malcolm told him not to. Not until they were at the precinct and he could tell them himself.

"So what's next?" Amaro asked.

"We'll take a day to prepare Detective Rollins," Malcolm explained. "She will be given the case files that we have so far and we'll update her on the ongoing surveillance. She'll meet with her protective detail." His eyes found the blonde detective. "Throughout this undercover operation you cannot have contact with anyone within SVU besides Captain Cragen and Detective Benson, understood?"

Amanda swallowed. "Understood."

"Why not the rest of us?" Amaro asked.

"You're Hispanic, Fin's black and I'm Jewish," Munch answered. "Not the type of people for Rollins to hang out with when she's trying to make friends with a bunch of racists."

"Olivia's my partner," Amanda said, leaving very little to be misunderstood about how deep her relationship with the brunette detective went.

"Good," Malcolm answered. "You're going to need her. This isn't going to be an easy task, Detective Rollins."

"George, can you do the preparations with her?" Olivia asked. "Like you did with me when I went undercover in the prison?" Her eyes found Fin as she mentioned it. Until this day she had yet to encounter something as emotionally degrading and humiliating as that experience. Nothing of what George Huang told her before going into that prison could have prepared her for what she saw or for what happened to her. She knew Fin understood. She looked back at the psychiatrist and he could see the unexpected fear in her eyes. "Please?"

"I'll prepare all of you," George said, ignoring Malcolm as he was about to object. "What Amanda is about to do will affect all of you. We'll begin right away." He looked at the blonde detective. Her face betrayed little emotion but his trained eye could see the discomfort behind her mask. "You'll see and hear things that will disgust you. You will find them reprehensive and you may want to tell them they're wrong but you can't. These people will use every racial slur imaginable to describe the people you love and care about the most."

"They are no stranger to conspiracy theories. They will blame the government and the police for everything they perceive as wrong with the world. People of a different race or colour are considered second class, or even less, to them. They have no respect for them and do not value their lives like they value their own." George's voice and explanation of the way supremacists thought unnerved Amanda. "They do not shy away from violence, they most likely relish in it. They'll celebrate their victories."

"I never thought I'd hear these words to describe women," Olivia sighed and shook her head. "It's sickening."

"Because they're women they'll think differently compared to men. Women tend to be more calculated about their actions and have been known to even clean after themselves. Something brought these women together. A mutual hatred or anger about something created this group," George explained. His eyes found Malcolm. "What is Amanda's background?"

"Her lover dumped her for a black of Hispanic woman. She lost her house and then her job," Malcolm explained. "Right wing supremacists often blame those of different skin colour for things like job losses. Amanda's story is the perfect way in."

Amanda took a deep breath before looking from Cragen to Olivia and back. "Can we have a minute?"

Cragen nodded and pointed at the door. Everyone else left and he closed the door behind them. Once they were gone Olivia turned around to look at Amanda. She could see the turmoil in her eyes and quickly closed the distance between them, wrapping her arms around the smaller detective. Amanda rested her head against Olivia's shoulder and felt her body relax when Olivia's fingers threaded her hair.

"I didn't see this coming," Amanda whispered and looked up. Blue eyes found brown. "I'm not sure I want this, Liv."

"I don't want it either," Olivia said softly. "But we have no choice. We always knew this could happen. Danger of the job." When Amanda's eyes darkened she tried to smile. "Doesn't mean I have to like it."

"What are we gonna do?"

"We'll figure something out," Olivia reassured her and kissed Amanda's forehead. "I promise." She shook her head and rolled her eyes. "I was going to take you out tonight. You know, go somewhere nice and have a drink after work. Just the two of us."

"Why?" Amanda asked.

"Because there's something I want to talk to you about," Olivia admitted and took Amanda's hand in her own. "I didn't want to do it here. I wanted to do it somewhere nice, where it was just us." Hopeful brown eyes found Amanda's and she sighed. "I've been thinking about some things recently and I was just wondering if, you know, you ever thought about us moving in together?"

Amanda's eyes widened. "Are you for real?" She stared at the older woman in surprise. She had not expected that question at all. They found a routine of going home with each other after work every night but there were certain complications when it came to sleeping in two different places. The thought had never really crossed her mind but she wasn't put off by it immediately. She and Olivia were together every single day and she couldn't remember the last time they had bickered about something. Sure, they both had their irritations, but living together in two different places so far had been easier than Amanda anticipated.

"Will you think about it?" Olivia whispered and cupped her lover's cheek. "We don't have to do anything right away. I mean, God knows when I'm going to get you back but maybe in a little while?"

"Yes," Amanda smiled and quickly pressed her lips against Olivia's. She had been frightened of taking the next step after what happened with Carrie but she knew Olivia was different. She herself had changed. This was a different life, a different place and Olivia was a different woman. "We'll look into it. I mean, my apartment is kinda too small for all your stuff and the other way around. You wouldn't want me bringing all my junk to your apartment. We should get a bigger place. Maybe like a house."

She realised she was rattling when Olivia covered her mouth with her index finger and smiled endearingly. "Ok." She nodded and the happiness reflected in her eyes. She had never come this far with anyone else before. Maybe she was rushing things but right now, with Amanda's undercover mission looming, she didn't care. "We'll look into it."

At that moment the door opened again and Cragen appeared. "Rollins, Malcolm wants to see you."

Amanda heaved a sigh and stepped away from Olivia. She filed past her captain and walked back into the squad room, still feeling Olivia's eyes burning in her back. She couldn't quite bring herself to turn around. A heavy feeling settled in her stomach. Olivia wanted them to move in together. It was the next logical step in their relationship but after what happened with Carrie in Atlanta she was scared. She froze as the realisation hit her. The similarities were striking. In Atlanta she had been undercover when Carrie cheated on her. The sudden memory made her turn on her heel and she looked back at Cragen's office. Olivia had turned her back to the window. Amanda swallowed as she tore her eyes away from the glass. This wasn't Atlanta. Olivia wasn't Carrie.

"Detective?" Malcolm's voice roused her from her thoughts and she turned to look at him. "There is something else you need to know about this group."

"What's that?"

"They're not out in the open. Considering the violence and the aggression shown in their attacks, this group is still very much underground. No one knows them. We asked around with some of our informants in the women's prisons. No one knows anything about a white supremacist group run by women." Malcolm's eyes pierced into Amanda's. "This gang, Detective, is like Fight Club."

Amanda arched an eyebrow. "How's that?"

"First rule about Fight Club is don't talk about Fight Club."

"Ok." Amanda nodded. "I get it."

"We haven't got much time," Malcolm says. "Gotta get moving."

Amanda glanced over her shoulder one last time and caught Olivia turning around in Cragen's office. Their eyes met across the length of the squad room and Amanda recognised the fear in her lover's eyes. She felt it too but she knew she would have to hide it behind her mask if she was going to get through this thing. She needed to be strong for Olivia and for the case. There was only one way she could bring this whole case to a good end; by being the best detective she could possibly be.

Whatever it took.


	6. Chapter 6

**Author's note: **thank you for all the reviews, guys. Enjoy this chapter.

To all of you in the path of Hurricane Sandy, I hope you're ok and that you're safe. I'm thinking of you

* * *

**Chapter 6**

_I can't seem to find the way to keep you_  
_from running 'round in circles in my mind_  
_There are things that we've both done that haunt us_  
_There are things that we both left behind_  
_~Ben Rector – Need You Tonight_

She wasn't sure she was ready for this. Sure, she'd been undercover before and back then it had been for a longer period of time too but this time it felt different. She was different. The pressure weighed heavily on her shoulders and Amanda tried to process the information given to her by Lieutenant Malcolm. He had briefed her away from everyone else – leaving her alone with her thoughts as soon as he left- and what he had told her worried her.

Amanda closed the door to the interrogation room behind her. She needed somewhere quiet, somewhere to be alone and allow for her mind to settle down. She wasn't sure she could face Olivia, not now that she knew the true depth of her undercover operation.

"What about my life?" she asked the Lieutenant when they were alone and he had explained the basics of the operation to her.

His face had almost been emotionless when he answered her. She recognised the mask of a man who had probably sacrificed his family life for his career. Another victim of the job. "Your new identity comes with an undercover pad in Uptown Manhattan. You can keep your cell phone but keep contact with anyone outside the operation to a minimum. They need to believe you are alone."

She'd swallowed when Malcolm spoke those words and he sensed her hesitation. It was the doubt of an officer worried about their personal life getting screwed in the process of being undercover. It wasn't the first time he'd seen it. It wouldn't be the last. "Detective, are you currently involved with anyone?"

"Detective Benson," she answered reluctantly and forced herself to meet his gaze, challenging him to judge her. He didn't.

"She'll understand."

Amanda wasn't so sure Olivia would understand. How was she going to explain to her that they couldn't see each other outside of work, couldn't spend time together like they used to? How was she even going to get through this, knowing Olivia wasn't there to back her up when she needed her? They could not be seen together or it would blow her cover. Olivia could not stay in her new apartment, she couldn't come visit. They couldn't be together and she had no idea for how long.

Amanda's anger got the better of her and she slammed her fist against the two way mirror. The glass vibrated under the impact and the pain travelled through her hand up her arm. Tears welled up in her eyes as she slowly slid down to the ground, back against the wall, and pulled her knees up to her chest. She didn't want to do this but she had no choice. Refusing to go undercover would result in a disciplinary action and a written warning in her jacket. She couldn't risk that. Cragen had saved her ass once when he learnt of her gambling addiction. This time he would surely kick her out of SVU if she screwed up again.

A soft knock on the door startled her and she quickly stood up, wiping the tears from her cheeks. As she turned around she found Olivia standing in the interrogation room doorway.

"What's wrong?" she whispered and closed the door behind her. "Amanda, what happened?"

Amanda tried to hold her chin up. "I guess I just have to get used to my new life."

"I know," Olivia said softly. She remembered going undercover in the prison vividly. She would never be able to forget. On top of that she also remembered Elliot getting shot when he went undercover. None of their deep cover missions ever ended without anyone getting hurt. She had a right to be frightened. Olivia noticed her hand was shaking as she cupped Amanda's cheek. "I know you're scared."

"Malcolm told me I can't see you," Amanda whispered. Olivia's eyes reflected sadness. She had expected as much. "He's worried you'll blow my cover."

"So what am I?" Olivia asked, her tone sharper than she had intended. "Nothing?" She realised she was out of line when she saw the pain in Amanda's eyes and quickly soothed over her words by kissing the corner of her mouth. "I'm sorry."

"I'll find a way," Amanda said and the determination in her voice told Olivia she wasn't lying. She rested her head against Olivia's shoulder. "We have to."

Olivia suddenly understood what it had been like for Kathy Stabler, back in the day when Elliot went undercover. The nights she spent worrying, staring out of the window, wondering if he was ever going to come home again. She thought she knew, she thought she understood, but it wasn't until now that she experienced that heart wrenching fear of losing someone she loved. She had never had the experience of sharing her life with someone like this, knowing it could be taken away in an instant. When she and Alex were together, there had never been anything like this. Now she knew and Olivia realised that she was positively terrified.

"You got a new place?" she whispered, burying her nose in her lover's blonde hair and inhaling the scent of her perfume.

"Pad in uptown Manhattan." Amanda swallowed. "I'll be going there tonight."

Olivia's lips were close to Amanda's ear. "Text me the address."

"Liv…"

"I need to know you're safe, Amanda," Olivia interjected. "Text me the address or I'll use my own skills to find out."

"Ok."

Olivia softly pressed her lips against the side of Amanda's neck. It was a touch of comfort. "We'll get through this, I promise."

Amanda needed to hear those words but even more she needed to believe them. She tentatively leant in and brushed her lips against Olivia's. The soft, comfortable feeling stilled some of the raging fear in her chest. She had never been this nervous before an undercover operation. She inhaled Olivia's familiar scent. This was home. This was where she felt safest. She didn't want this to ever end.

"I gotta go," she whispered after a few more precious moments and reluctantly freed herself from the older woman's arms. Olivia quickly kissed her one last time before Amanda started for the door. The blonde turned around, eyes filled with tears. She opened her mouth to speak but she couldn't find the words. She chose the silence to speak for itself, her eyes pleading Olivia not to let this happen, but they both knew there was nothing they could do. She hung her head as she closed the door behind her, leaving Olivia to the emptiness of the interrogation room.

~()~

The apartment the Gang Unit had arranged for her qualified as every person's dream. Floor to ceiling windows overlooked the city's beautiful landscape. The place had expensive dark wooden floors throughout and the kitchen was modern and recently refitted. The units were shiny white gloss and the counter had been cut from black marble. Two bar stools stood neatly by the breakfast bar and every appliance imaginable to mankind had its place.

Amanda closed the door to her temporary home behind her and inhaled the scent of fresh paint and flower scented air freshener. It didn't smell like her place or Olivia's. For a moment she allowed herself to relish in the richness of her new home before walking past the kitchen into the large sitting area. Leather couches and two arm chairs, an expensive white rug and a plasma TV had been mounted to the wall.

"So this is how the other side lives," she whispered to the emptiness of her new home and ran her hand through her hair.

The living room lead past a small office and into a corridor that split off into two rooms, one on either end. The first one was the guest room, with a double bed all made up and a wardrobe. Cream coloured white curtains covered the window. The other room was the master bedroom and Amanda dropped her bag to the ground when she took in the sight of the kingside bed made up with the pristine white sheets. Thick black curtains had been partially drawn, banishing the light from the setting sun outside. The master bedroom led to a walk-in wardrobe to the right and the bathroom to the left. The walls and floors were covered in white marble and a tub stood against the wall, sunken slowly into the ground. The double sized shower cubicle was impressive and the sink was made out of white marble too. Candles stood strategically scattered around the room.

Amanda walked back into the bedroom and took her cell phone from her pocket. She snapped a picture of the bed and sent it to Olivia, not caring about Malcolm telling her she couldn't. She attached a message to the picture. _Miss you_.

She stripped off he clothes, folded them onto the arm chair in the corner of the room and padded into the bathroom. She switched on the shower and washed her hair. The shower was an amazing experience. It felt like she was standing underneath the most soothing, warm waterfall and part of her didn't want to get out. After what felt like an eternity she finally picked one of the fluffy white towels from the towel rail, wrapped it around herself and walked back into the bedroom.

She took a pair of black shorts and a grey tank top from her bag and curled up on the massive bed. She rested her head against the soft, comfortable pillows and her mind drifted back to her conversation with Malcolm earlier that day. She reached for her bag again and dug out the file he had given her before she left the precinct that afternoon. There wasn't much information but what she did have, she would have to memorize. Malcolm's instructions had been clear.

"You'll go to the bar. Order a drink. Speak to no one." His eyes had darkened when he said that. "Chances are they'll ignore you. Make it look like you're having a hard time, drinking your sorrows away. Let them make contact."

She'd eyed him up. "Who's watching my six?"

"Two of my guys will be tailing you at all times. A car will be permanently parked outside your building and they'll follow you whenever you get in a cab." Malcolm's answer had left her thinking that they weren't just trying to make sure no one from the gang tried to target her; they were also trying to make sure no one from SVU found their way in.

Her cell phone chimed, announcing a text message. She smiled when saw Olivia's name flash across the screen. She opened it and found the detective had sent a picture of herself, curled up in bed. She was smiling to the camera but the empty pillow beside her was clearly visible. The message attached to it read _I miss you too._

Amanda typed her reply. _I shouldn't text you but I want to._

Olivia's reply came within a minute._ Anytime. I'm always here._

She put down her phone, resisting texting back. The sheets on the bed smelt of washing powder. She missed the scent of Olivia's perfume on her pillow and the soft tickling of her chestnut hair against her face. Heaving a sigh, Amanda slipped under the comforter, switched off the bedside lamp and curled up on her side. She wasn't sure whether she could manage it but she closed her eyes, hoping she would eventually fall asleep.

~()~

After a surprisingly peaceful night, Amanda spent most of her morning figuring out how to use the expensive coffee machine in her new kitchen. Once she had managed to produce the perfect espresso she paced around her apartment, staring out of the large windows that overlooked the city. New York had become her home over the last two years. It was hard to believe that two years had been all its been. She had gotten used to living in this city. She had adapted, felt at home.

After finishing her coffee she made her way back into the bedroom and checked out the clothes they had left behind for her in the walk-in wardrobe. A quick glance at the sizes told her that everything was exactly right and she frowned, wondering how they had managed to guess her size without asking. She looked through the clothes and chose a pair of expensive looking black slacks and a baby blue blouse before finding the matching blazer.

She took another shower and pinned her hair up in a way that made her look like she was about to start work in Wall Street. She got dressed, applied a fine layer of make-up and inspected herself in the mirror. She didn't recognise the rough-and-tumble detective she had been half an hour earlier. Amanda Rollins was gone and Diana Kazinsky had been born.

Diana Kazinsky was a lawyer who until recently had worked for a large company in Manhattan. After her relationship ended she had lost her job and she was about to lose her apartment too. She was supposed to be close to desperation as well as fuelled by anger and disappointment about what happened to her, looking for someone to blame.

Amanda double checked her phone, more out of habit than anything, and felt a sharp pang of disappointment when she realised Olivia hadn't texted her to say good morning. She resisted texting her lover herself, slipped the phone into the pocket of her blazer and grabbed the designer handbag of the bedroom floor. She found a wallet complete with credit cards and cash as well as a fake driver's licence.

She would have to leave her apartment sooner or later, even if she didn't know exactly where she was going to go before heading to the bar later that night. In the end she just decided to take the elevator down to the lobby and stepped out onto the street several minutes later. Her lungs eagerly filled with the fresh air and her eyes darted around the street. Almost immediately she spotted the town car parked across the road, a man and woman sitting inside. Her protective detail. She avoided making eye contact, not acknowledging that she'd seen them, and made her way to the end of the street and walked into the small bodega.

She bought a notebook, some pens and a few bottles of beer and her favourite flavour of potato chips before making her way back to the apartment. She left the groceries on the kitchen counter and walked to the window. She wondered what Olivia was doing right now. Was she doing paperwork at her desk or was she out on the street, hunting down the next pervert who molested a little kid.

Amanda paced aimlessly around the apartment for the next few hours, feeling the nerves settle in her chest, as the sun began to set behind the New York skyline, painting the skies in shades of amber and red. The clock on the wall pointed at just after seven when she finally left her apartment for only the second time that day. She took the elevator down, walked out of the building and hailed down the first cab that she saw. Amanda climbed into the back and glanced through the rear window long enough to see the town car leave its parking spot. Her heart pounded in her chest as she rested her head back and watched the city flash by outside her window.

The cabbie dropped her off a block away from the Palace bar and she walked the last bit. When she reached the place she eyed it up from the outside. It had far more appeal now that it was dark, with fairy lights wrapped around the two small trees planted into pots outside. She could see several dark shadows move inside and took a deep breath.

She and Fin had been inside when they canvassed the neighbourhood but when she challenged Malcolm on this he gave her one last piece of interesting information. "Detective Rollins, the bartender is one of our own. We sent him two weeks ago, when we first grew suspicious of Palace. He won't be giving your true identity away and will be serving as your back-up once inside."

When she stepped inside Amanda noticed the soft music playing in the background. When she'd visited in the day the place had seemed a bit dull and dark but now it was lively and rather atmospheric. The bar breathed an expensive taste, clearly used to serving a more upscale clientele. Her blue eyes darted around the room and briefly fixed on a couple of men in suits sitting in two leather arm chairs, talking to a woman in an equally impressive outfit. A briefcase rested against the woman's legs.

Amanda crossed the room and slipped into one of the empty bar stools. She rested her elbow on the polish wood and her eyes met those of the bartender. She recognised him and he recognised her and she ordered a glass of white wine. He served her the drink without asking or saying a word and she sipped from the liquid. The bitter alcoholic aftertaste made her uncomfortable. She wasn't much of a wine drinker and preferred beer but here she had to blend in.

After what felt like an eternity the bar man returned and he leant in. "Long day?" he inquired as she pushed her now empty glass towards him. He topped it up.

"Too long," Amanda answered and a smile tugged at her lips. She took another sip from her wine. It tasted like acid in her throat. She glanced into the mirror behind the bar. The place was filling up quickly and yet no one had even spoken a word to her. Most people came in small groups and she knew she was the odd one out by sitting at the bar on her own. It was hard to imagine that any of the women in here tonight could do the things she had seen on the security footage.

"They've seen you," the bartender whispered when he came back again. He leant in even further, as if he was sharing a flirtatious comment. "But they won't come for you tonight."

Amanda didn't ask how he knew. The Gang Unit had one of their members undercover inside the bar but they couldn't find any proof this gang even existed and they definitely couldn't find any information about their activities. She knew the frustrations of being undercover and not getting anywhere. Her finger trailed the shape of her wine glass and she leant in, making sure to smile. To all of those who watched it looked like the bartender was hitting on her.

"I'll be back tomorrow." She pushed a strand of hair behind her ear. "What am I looking for?"

"The blonde in grey suit drinking the dry martini," was the answer and Amanda's eyes snapped back to the mirror. She recognised her target immediately and managed to steal a glance long enough to take in the woman's appearance but she made sure to look away before the other woman saw her looking. She finished off her wine, paid for her drinks and slipped out of her seat. She could have sworn she felt eyes on her as she made her way through the crowd and out of the door.

She hailed a cab, got into the back seat and gave the driver her address. She watched over her shoulder as the bar grew smaller in the distance and spotted the town car following her home again. The nerves she had felt earlier were gone. They were replaced by a sudden rush of adrenaline as she realised she'd made contact and all she could do now was wait for things to unfold.

Once back in her luxurious apartment Amanda stripped from her uncomfortable clothes and walked into the bathroom naked. She switched on the shower, released her hair from the uncomfortable bun she had forced it into and stepped under the hot flow of water. She closed her eyes and washed herself down.

The water relaxed her so much that she never heard how the door to her apartment opened quietly and closed again without a sound. The sound of footsteps was muffled by the sound of running water and with her eyes closed Amanda never saw the dark shadow moving past her bathroom.


	7. Chapter 7

**Author's note:** Hey guys, is everyone allright – for those of you affected by Hurricane Sandy, I hope you're safe. I have been watching the news non-stop for the last 24 hours or so and keep expecting to see rain when I look out of my window. Bizarre. I am nowhere near New York or the States.  
Also, for the first time since starting my SVU stories I will be missing a day of updating this week. Three weeks of continuous writing has proven to be exhausting and I just can't keep up anymore. I need to take some of the pressure off. There will not be an update tomorrow. I simply don't have the time and I won't get a chance till Thursday – after this week's SVU- to write another chapter. Hang in there. More will come!

* * *

**Chapter 7**

_This whole world is out there just trying to score  
I've seen enough I don't want to see any more,  
Cover me, come on and cover me  
I'm looking for a lover who will come on in and cover me  
Looking for a lover who will come on in and cover me  
~Bruce Springsteen – Cover me_

The water felt warm on her skin and she ran her fingers through her wet hair, washing out the last bits of shampoo. The sweet smell of lilac filled her nostrils and the steam from the hot water filled the shower cubicle, steaming the glass surrounding her. She reached for the sponge on the side and gently spread the shower gel across her skin, starting at her shoulders and making her way down her arms, across her stomach and up towards her breasts.

The soft sound of the door sliding open didn't startle immediately but when she felt the unexpected fingers across her arm, Amanda's blue eyes snapped open. Through the steam she needed maybe an extra second to realise what was happening but the fear that had crept into her chest the second she felt the hand on her skin subsided when she recognised the familiar dark brown eyes. Olivia smiled like a cat that had eaten the canary.

"What the hell are you doing here?!" Amanda shrieked and slapped Olivia with the wet sponge. The brunette raised her hands to protect her face and giggled. "How did you get in?"

"I'm a cop," Olivia grinned. "I have my ways."

She closed the distance between her and Amanda, pressing the blonde with her back flush against the wall. The hot water now rained down on both of them and their lips crashed together in a powerful, earth shattering kiss. Amanda's arms snaked around Olivia's neck, pulling her deeper into the kiss. Fingers ran through now wet hair down Olivia's neck and her back. The sensation of her lover's bare flesh, warm and wet, was simply breath taking.

"Did they see you?" Amanda whispered when the need for oxygen forced them apart. "There's a unit parked outside. Did they see you come in?"

"Not unless they're watching the back entrance too," Olivia replied and brushed a strand of hair out of Amanda's eyes. "Did they really think I was going to spend God knows how long away from you?"

"So that's why you wanted me to text you the address. You wanted to test your burglar skills."

"Maybe we should ask the Gang Unit if we can move in here after this thing is over," Olivia whispered and kissed the side of Amanda's neck. "I could get used to living in a place like this."

Amanda arched an eyebrow, her gaze briefly trailing down Olivia's naked body. They were pressed against each other, Olivia's hands on her hips. "And I could get used to this."

Olivia brought their mouth back together, softly capturing Amanda's bottom lip between her teeth and playfully biting it. The groan she got in response started a wildfire in the pit of her stomach and she manoeuvred her thigh until it was pressing against her younger lover's core. Amanda's legs parted willingly under the pressure. Their kisses were laced with hot drops of water and the temperature was quickly rising. Amanda reached around Olivia's body, massaging her ass, pulling the older women deeper into her.

Olivia's hands freely roamed across the blonde's chest, caressing the swell of her breasts underneath her slender fingers. The dark pink nipples responded almost instantly, hardening under her soft touch. Her lips moved from Amanda's mouth across her cheek, leaving a wet trail of butterfly caresses across her glowing skin. She reached the point just below her ear and when she sucked on it, Olivia recognised the satisfied moan that slipped across Amanda's lips. She smiled, her tongue circling a little lower, across the pulse point.

"You drive me insane," Amanda managed to utter, her hands buried in Olivia's chestnut hair. Her eyes widened when she felt the brunette's teeth graze across her skin, nipping softly at the point where her heartbeat met the tip of Olivia's tongue. Between her legs she could feel the warmth of her arousal grow. There wasn't a moment when Olivia touched her that her body didn't respond.

"That's exactly the point," Olivia smiled as her thumb and index finger rolled Amanda's right nipple between them. Her other hand cupped the left breasts, squeezing softly. Her thigh pressed a little firmer against Amanda's core and she felt the slick wetness against her skin. Olivia moaned softly when her hands continued to travel across Amanda's body, caressing every last inch of skin they found. Their breasts were pressed together, leaving hardly any space between their bodies.

Olivia's hands went down lower, until they reached Amanda's hips, sliding down to her ass. Amanda's back arched into Olivia's touch and through heavy lidded eyes she watched the smile form across the older woman's lips. Before she could respond Olivia's lips had crashed back down against her own and her lover slowly pulled her up. Amanda's legs instinctively wrapped around Olivia's waist and the brunette supported her lover with her left arm as her right slowly slid between Amanda's legs. They both gasped when Olivia's index finger ran through the slick wetness between Amanda's folds and the blonde whimpered softly when Olivia pressed against her entrance.

"Oh God," Amanda whispered when Olivia slid two fingers inside of her and her nails dug deeply into the brunette detective's back. Pressed against the warm wall of the shower cubicle, the warm water raining down on their bodies and with her legs wrapped around Olivia's waist, there was little else Amanda could do. She rested her head against Olivia's shoulder, biting and sucking at the warm skin as Olivia's fingers thrusted inside her, the heel of her hand rocking against that sensitive bundle of nerves.

Olivia's fingers curled inside her and Amanda felt herself slide into sensual oblivion. Her moans grew louder as Olivia's thrusts increased and her grip around the older woman's neck tightened when she felt the release build up inside herself. Olivia felt Amanda's muscles tightened around her fingers and managed to manoeuvre herself in such a way that she caught her lover's lips just as the orgasm hit her. The fierce kiss made both their bodies tremble as Amanda felt herself explode. The world around her briefly blurred and afterwards she would be grateful for Olivia's strong arm being able to support her weight when her muscles gave up.

"Holy shit," Amanda breathed when she was finally able to speak and softly kissed Olivia. She slowly unhooked her legs and slid back down onto her feet, albeit shaky. "That was…"

"Nice?" Olivia asked, arching an eyebrow in amusement.

Amanda's blue eyes sparkled and she reached to tuck Olivia's chestnut hair behind her ear. "More than nice."

Olivia smirked. "Good. It makes risk getting caught for breaking and entering so worth my while."

Amanda let her hands roam across Olivia's stomach until she encountered her breasts. Olivia's eyes widened when she felt her lover's fingertips graze across her nipples and she moaned softly when Amanda bent down, letting her tongue flack across it. Slender digits ran through soaking wet blonde hair and Olivia became more and more aware of her own desire when she felt Amanda's tongue trail across her stomach. Dark eyes filled with lust looked down as Amanda slowly kneeled down in front of her lover, the water now raining on her back.

Olivia hissed when she felt the tip of Amanda's tongue press against her clit and her teeth sank into her lower lip as Amanda softly kissed her swollen folds. Her hips bucked when the lithe blonde pressed a little harder, briefly capturing Olivia's clit between her teeth before releasing it and repeating the action again and again. Slim digits crept up along the inside of her thigh and without warning Amanda slid two fingers deep inside the older woman.

"Oh!" Olivia moaned when Amanda softly sucked down on her clit, the tip of her tongue flicking over it at a regular, steady rhythm. Her hips rocked softly, her hands tangled in strands of blonde hair. Olivia's eyes rolled back into her head when she felt the first waves of her orgasm building up inside of her and her nails sunk into Amanda's shoulders so deeply that the blonde could feel the warm trail of blood flow across her skin. Olivia's eyes suddenly snapped shut and all of the universe's stars danced before them.

She continued to suck when she felt Olivia's walls tighten around her fingers and she didn't move away or stop what she was doing until Olivia pressed against her forehead, forcing her to stop. She kissed the inside of her lover's thigh before slowly rising back to her feet. Olivia was still trembling and her arms continued to cling on to Amanda for a couple more minutes, until the last shudder faded.

Their bodies rested together, exhausted but satisfied, and the water washed away the remnants of their arousal, leaving them warm and clean. Olivia tenderly kissed the side of Amanda's neck and it felt like the earth moved when she looked into those baby blue eyes, seeing all the love the world could ever hold reflect back at her. It was worth the risk coming here tonight, even just to see those eyes. It had been those eyes that first broke through her defences and now here she was, naked like the day she was born, in the arms of the woman she loved. Olivia Benson had finally torn down all her walls and she finally allowed the world to see her for who she really was.

"You staying?" Amanda whispered against Olivia's skin. "I don't want you to leave."

Olivia knew she should go. She wasn't even supposed to be here. She had broken every rule and within a day had already jeopardized a major undercover operation. But she didn't care. She had one shot at happiness and she'd taken it eight months ago. Nothing was going to change that.

"I'll stay."

They stepped out of the shower and Amanda handed Olivia a towel. With their hair still wet the two women walked into the bedroom. Amanda resisted turning on the lights, just in case someone was watching her window and would see two figures behind the glass instead of one. She closed the curtains and felt herself relax now that they were fully surrounded by darkness. She turned around to find Olivia in bed, propped up against the pillows, the white sheets covering her olive skin. It was a sight she wanted to remember for the rest of the time she was undercover.

"Come here," Olivia said and pulled the comforter back so that Amanda could crawl into bed. They were both naked and Amanda relished in the feeling of her skin touching Olivia's. She rested her head against her lover's shoulder and Olivia's fingers ran through her hair. The older woman kissed the top of her head.

"I'm meeting Alex tomorrow," Olivia said and Amanda turned her head just enough for their eyes to meet. "I had a chance to look at a couple of places online earlier today. Since I can't bring you with me to check them out, I thought Alex would be my next bet."

"She has good taste," Amanda commented. For a moment they both dwelled on their own realisation that Alex indeed had good taste because she had been together with Olivia for years. The memory lingered between them for a few seconds, unspoken, before Amanda looked back at Olivia. "I thought you wanted to wait a while?"

"What do you mean?" Olivia asked.

"Lookin' for another place," Amanda answered, a hint of a smile playing around her lips. Her fingers drew small figures across Olivia's stomach. Even after a shower the older woman still had that typical Olivia smell about her that Amanda loved so much. "I thought you said that it would happen in like a while?"

Olivia shrugged but a sheepish grin spread across her face. "I guess I got a little carried away. Moving in with you is just something that I _really_ want to do."

"So? What are they like?"

"What?"

"The places you've seen," Amanda smiled and kissed the area around Olivia's collarbone. "What are they like and where are they?"

"I checked out some of the more family friendly neighbourhoods," Olivia answered and felt a sudden blush creep across her cheeks. "I've lived in New York my whole life, and most of it in an apartment in the middle of the city. But maybe it's time to move away from all that, you know. Find a quitter area to live."

"Like an actual house?" Amanda asked in surprise and Olivia nodded.

"Both places I've seen are in Jackson Heights, in Queens," she answered and rolled onto her side, forcing Amanda to do the same. She propped herself up on her elbow and her coffee coloured eyes found Amanda's blue. Her free hand searched for and found Amanda's. "It's a good neighbourhood. You can buy or rent."

Amanda smiled. "You really want this, don't you?"

"I know it's crazy," Olivia admitted. "Anyone who knows me would tell me I am probably rushing into something but every relationship I've ever been in felt like there was something missing. Like something was holding me back." She shook her head. "I don't feel like that now. I don't know what it is about you, Amanda, but you have got me. God knows how you did it but I finally feel like maybe things are finally going right."

A smile tugged at Amanda's cheeks. "I keep hearin' people say things like that. You know, back in Atlanta, one of the other detectives met this guy. They moved in together after a couple of weeks and got married after like six months. Everyone said they were crazy but it worked for them." She took a deep breath. "I saw my mum and dad's marriage fall apart. I wasn't sure I believed in permanent things anymore but here I am…" She shook her head. "With you."

"Crazy things happen when you don't expect them," Olivia smiled. "Like I said before, I never expected to fall in love with you. I knew I hadn't given up hope but I wasn't expecting anything to happen. Maybe I got too used to the disappointment." She looked at her hand covering Amanda's. "I want to do this but only if you're ready."

"Ready?" Amanda repeated and smiled. "Olivia Benson, I was born ready."

"So you're allright if I check out these two places with Alex tomorrow?" Olivia asked and Amanda nodded. "Want me to text you the pictures?"

Amanda looked hesitant. "Malcolm will have your badge."

"If he finds out I was here, he'll have my badge anyway." Olivia looked at the blonde detective and momentarily mesmerized by the sheer innocence written across her face. Right at that moment in time Amanda Rollins looked so young, so beautiful. The only light in the room came from the alarm clock on the bedside table, its blue numbers illuminating both their faces.

She knew she would have to address the subject sooner or later. She wasn't sure Amanda wanted to talk about it but Olivia knew she had to calm down her own nerves. "How did it go today?"

"I went to the bar, had two glasses of wine and went home again," Amanda answered. She didn't want to talk about the undercover sting. She wanted to be right here, right now, with Olivia. A part of her didn't want to know they were lying in a bed that wasn't theirs in an apartment that wasn't their home. "Bar tender told me they saw me. Reckons they're interested. I'll find out tomorrow, I guess."

Olivia sensed her lover's reluctance to talk about the case and she heaved a sigh. "I'm sorry."

Amanda swallowed hard and averted her eyes. The idea that tomorrow she would have to venture out into a world of danger, of twistedness, unsettled her. She had chosen to work Sex Crimes but she had never expected to be investigating another woman for such a heinous act like rape. The images of what she saw on the security footage haunted her, flashing before her eyes every so often. The quick glance at the woman in the bar didn't help. She kept imagining the well-dressed woman attacking Shonda Jameson.

Olivia moved closer and let her fingers run up and down Amanda's arm. The touch comforted her, easing away some of the tension she felt in her stomach. "It will be allright," she whispered as she brought her lips close to Amanda's ear. "I'll be right here, Amanda. I'll help you."

"I know," Amanda whispered and snuggled closer to Olivia. The bed was still foreign to her but feeling her girlfriend's body against her own made that she relaxed. Olivia's arm draped across Amanda's waist and together they curled up under the comforter and Olivia managed to fight up the desire to fall asleep until she heard Amanda's steady breathing, telling her that the younger woman had drifted off to a land of dreams. She kissed Amanda's forehead and then closed her eyes.

~()~

Amanda woke the next morning to an empty bed and she sat up with a jolt, wrapping the sheets around her naked body. Olivia was gone. Her blue eyes darted around the room and she listened and registered the sound of footsteps coming from the kitchen. She grabbed her shorts and tank top from under her pillow, threw them on and slipped out of the bed. Barefooted she padded across the apartment and found Olivia in the kitchen, swearing at the coffee machine. She was wearing yesterday's clothes and had tied up her chestnut hair in a messy ponytail. She turned around when she heard Amanda walk in.

"Here," Amanda smiled and pressed two of the buttons. The machine came to life and the scent of fresh coffee filled the kitchen. She snaked her arms around Olivia's waist and kissed the back of neck. Olivia grinned as her girlfriends lips brushed against her skin. For one blessed moment it was like any other morning where they didn't have to rush out for work.

"Thanks," Olivia replied and turned around so that they were facing each other. She pecked Amanda on her lips and let her fingers run up her stomach. She smiled sheepishly. "I have to swing past my apartment to pick up some clean clothes. One look at me and Nick will know exactly where I've been."

"Not gonna be easy to sneak out without being seen," Amanda answered. "Even through the back entrance."

"I'll take my chances," Olivia said and reached for the coffee mug. She sipped from the liquid and Amanda walked about in the kitchen, looking for something to have for breakfast. She made a bagel and leant against the counter as she watched Olivia drink her coffee. They were so used to being around each other that even standing in a different house that didn't belong to either of them wasn't making them uncomfortable. Her blue eyes followed the brunette detective as Olivia walked into the living room.

"What time will you be going to the Palace?" Olivia asked.

"What, plan on buying me a drink, detective?" Amanda teased. "You know you can't be anywhere near that place."

"I know," Olivia admitted. "I know."

She walked back into the kitchen and left the mug on the counter. She closed the distance between her and Amanda and kissed her. The blonde tasted the coffee on her lips and Amanda didn't want it to end but Olivia ended their kiss eventually. She sadly smiled. "I have to get to work."

Amanda nodded. "Call me?"

"I will," Olivia promised and started for the apartment door. She turned around, doorknob in hand, and looked at her girlfriend one last time before closing the door after her. The silence that her departure left behind was deafening and Amanda sighed, suddenly confronted with the emptiness of the apartment. A single tear chased down her cheek as she walked from the kitchen into the bedroom and crawled back onto the bed. She could still smell Olivia on the sheets and wrapped them around herself, inhaling the scent and fighting of the loneliness.


	8. Chapter 8

**Author's note**: Have we all recovered from the scary episode they showed yesterday? Have our hearts settled down after the cuteness that was the elevator scene? Anyway, here is another chapter. This one is from Olivia's point of view and we get to finally see Alex again. I changed the location where Olivia wants to go look at the houses from Corona to Jackson Heights. I think Jackson Heights suits them a little better and of course, nothing is ever fun or awkward without some form of miscommunication.

* * *

**Chapter 8**

_Heart Breaking, breaking heart_  
_It's such a lonely sound_  
_That cries for the need of someone_  
_But there's no one around_  
_~Reba McEntire – Rain Fallin'_

Olivia drove back to her apartment and got changed into a pair of black jeans, a cream coloured button up shirt and simple black boots. She brushed her hair, applied a minimal amount of make-up and sprayed some perfume. After a final glance in the mirror she felt reassured that nothing about her appearance gave away where she had been the night before and she left her home, grabbing her keys of the kitchen counter on her way out.

Now that Amanda was undercover, the multiple rapes had become part of the Gang Unit's investigation. SVU was forced to take the backseat, whether they liked it or not, and to remind them that sexual predators didn't care about how they thought things should be handled, two more cases had landed on their desk that morning. One involved a child in foster care where the primary teacher had noticed bruises on the little girl's legs and after asking the questions the child told her that another child in the foster home had been sexually abusing her. The second case also involved a child only this one couldn't speak for himself anymore. Melinda Warner was doing the talking.

Olivia was reminded of the cruelty of their job when she looked down at the little boy's pale face. He couldn't be any older than seven, Melinda said. His body showed no signs of bruising but he was malnourished and underweight for his age. Someone had been abusing this child by neglecting him and they would have to try and find his family and find out what the hell happened.

"I found no food in his stomach or in his bowels. All I found were fibres, most likely from carpet. Kid must have gotten so hungry he started eating whatever he got his hands on," Melinda said and her dark eyes trailed over the boy's body. "I noticed some decay on his teeth. A few maulers show signs of rotting. No dentist ever saw this child."

"So someone had a kid and just didn't look after him," Olivia said softly and resisted stroking the boy's arms. Cases involving children always hit her the hardest. Children were innocent and that innocence should be protected, not tainted. But what hurt her even more was seeing people, on a daily basis, hurting children, damaging them for life or even killing them. She was desperate for her own family but all her attempts had failed. She had been refused by the adoption agency and after Calvin went back to his grandparents, her heart was broken again. She considered using a sperm donor but her age wasn't on her side anymore. She was in her mid-forties and although women all over the world were having children, the dangers were getting bigger with every passing year. A part of her wanted to accept the fact that she had waited too long, that she had missed her chance, but another part of her, the same part that made she never gave up, told her to keep holding on.

"Some people shouldn't be allowed to have kids," Fin said sharply and Olivia's eyes snapped up to meet his. She knew how he felt. She knew how protective he was. She thought the same thing. Some people didn't deserve to be parents when loving people out there were being deprived of having a family after spending a fortune on treatments that never gave them what they desired so badly.

"Is there anything you can tell us that may help us find out who he is?" Olivia asked, hope echoing in her voice and she looked up at the medical examiner.

"I did an analysis on the fibres I found in his stomach," Melinda said. "At first glance they appear to be just any other carpet fibre but closer inspection told me that it's old, most likely from the seventies."

Fin shook his head. "Half the city was built in the seventies."

"I also ran a test on his hair to determine the intake of water. Breaking down the chemicals gives an idea about where a person's been drinking. Chemicals in the water vary from place to place and will shop up when tested and it pointed me to Brooklyn."

Olivia took a deep breath. "So we're looking for a building from the seventies in the middle of Brooklyn. Doesn't sound like much of a needle in a haystack to me."

"We could put his picture out on the eight o'clock news tonight," Fin suggested. "Do one of those reconstructions that make him look like he's alive. Say that he's missing. Someone's gotta know this kid."

Olivia shrugged. "It's worth a shot." Her eyes fixed on the medical examiner. "Thanks, Melinda."

She and Fin left the morgue and Olivia glanced at her watch. It was just after eleven and she was supposed to meet at Alex in Jackson Heights at half past twelve. She pushed her hands into the pockets of her leather jackets and for a little while she and Fin walked in silence, until they reached the elevator. As they waited for it to arrive he turned to look at the brunette detective.

"You heard of Rollins?"

Olivia hesitated, considering her answer before speaking. "She sent me a text."

Fin gave a quick nod. "She allright?"

"She didn't say." Olivia swallowed hard. She knew Amanda was allright and she also knew Fin would have her back if she told him she went to see her but she didn't want to get him in trouble if anyone in the Gang Unit found out she'd seen Amanda. She had been nervously waiting for her phone to ring all day, expecting Cragen to haul her ass into his office. It felt too good to be true that she actually got away with sneaking in and out of Amanda's building.

"It ain't fair what they did to ya," Fin said as they stepped into the elevator. "You'd think the Gang Unit would know how to take care of their own business."

Olivia's head jerked and her eyes darkened. "You know us, Fin. Always cleaning up somebody else's mess."

The elevator doors slid closed and Olivia ran her fingers through her hair. She felt like she was leading some kind of double life. She was supposed to be here, focused and concentrated, but her mind was with Amanda. She imagined the blonde in the large apartment, alone and bored. She worried about tonight when she'd go back to the bar, looking for the women who were part of the gang. She wished she could be there, keeping an eye on her. Lying to her colleagues about knowing where Amanda was, sneaking in and out of her apartment in the early hours of the night and early morning… they were things she had never imagined herself doing.

When they stepped out of the building and onto the sidewalk, Olivia took a deep breath. Her eyes darted back to her watch. If they drove back to the precinct she would barely have enough time to get to Jackson Heights. As she walked around the car to get in the passenger side, she looked at Fin over the hood of the car. "You mind taking a detour?"

"Somewhere you gotta be?"

"Meeting Alex in Jackson Heights in an hour."

Fin furrowed his brow. "What you doing in Jackson Heights?"

The smile that spread across Olivia's eyes brought a sudden spark of light to her eyes. "Checking out some properties. Amanda and I have decided to move in together." She grinned. "When she's back, I mean."

"That's great," Fin smiled. "Congratulations."

Olivia pulled a face and got into the car. "Who would have thought that Hurricane Benson would settle down one day, eh?"

Fin got behind the wheel and watched as the brunette buckled up. "Every storm eventually dies down."

So instead of driving back to the precinct they started their journey towards Queens instead. It would only take them about thirty minutes and Olivia glanced out of the window throughout the drive. Queens, compared to Manhattan, felt more suburban to her, with houses lining either end of the street.

She knew she was early and asked Fin to drop her off at a small coffee shop around the corner from where she and Alex were supposed to meet the estate agent. She smiled in thanks when he wished her good luck and watched him disappear in the steady flow of traffic. She took her phone out of her pocket and text Alex, letting her know where she was. She then walked into the coffee bar, found herself a table by the window and ordered a latte. While she waited for her drink, Olivia played with her phone.

She typed a message to Amanda. _Sitting in a coffee place in Queens waiting for Alex. Can't believe I am doing this without you. Wish you were here._She hit send even though she knew she wouldn't get a reply.

The time passed quickly and half an hour later Olivia looked up from the newspaper she'd picked up from the shelf behind her to find Alex step into the bar. The blonde was dressed in a knee length black pencil skirt, an azure coloured blouse and a matching black blazer. The sound of her high heels clicking on the bar's wooden floor snapped Olivia out of her musings and Alex slipped into the empty chair, dropping her handbag at her feet.

"Hey," she smiled and eyed up Olivia's empty coffee mug. "I got your message."

"I was in the morgue earlier. It seemed pointless going back to the precinct," Olivia sighed and ran her fingers through her hair. She couldn't deny the butterflies in her stomach. She was nervous. She'd been living in her little apartment for years and she had never really considered leaving but now things were different. Everything had changed.

It was as if Alex sensed her nerves because the ADA smiled. "She's not going to force you to buy a house today, Olivia."

"I know," Olivia admitted. "It just feels weird doing this without Amanda."

Alex nodded. Over the past eight months she had watched the relationship between Olivia and Amanda develop. She had observed the changes in the older woman. Olivia Benson wasn't the same person she had been years ago. Alex had begun to notice the smile on her lips and the way her eyes still followed Amanda around the room. A sense of calm had fallen over Olivia that Alex had never expected to see. She folded her hands on the table surface. "You doing allright?"

"You mean am I coping now that the Gang Unit has sent my girlfriend undercover into a world of twisted violence?" Olivia asked, a hint of sarcasm in her voice and Alex smiled. "I'll live."

"We should probably go," Alex suggested. "It's just around the corner, right?

Olivia nodded. "End of the block."

They both stood up and Olivia left a few bills on the table to pay for her coffee as they made their way out. Whilst sitting inside, Olivia had watched through the window how the neighbourhood moved. It wasn't extremely busy and the area breathed an atmosphere of calm and family orientated living. A few years ago she couldn't have imagined herself moving to a place like this but now it was all she wanted. She took a deep breath as she and Alex made their way down the road.

After about a ten minute walk Olivia noticed a woman dressed in black slacks and a white shirt standing outside a house that she recognised from the picture she'd been looking at. Her heart beat quickened as they came closer and the woman turned around. She had dark blonde hair, cropped short in a stylish bob line. She wore a little amount of make-up and her green eyes were friendly. The first impressions were good and Olivia felt herself relax when the woman smiled.

"Hi, you must be Olivia," she said and extended her hand. "I'm Catherine."

Olivia shook the extended hand. "Olivia Benson and this is Alex Cabot."

Alex shook Catherine's hand too and the three women allowed a moment of silence between them before Catherine turned to the house. Olivia did the same. The image couldn't be more classic. It was a detached house, with a large front yard, most of which was covered with grass. The previous owner had done a good job on keeping it tidy and neat and well-kept flowerbeds followed the path leading to the front door. To add to the almost perfect image was the white picket fence.

"As you can see, the property is in a very good condition. The previous owners renovated it not long before they left, hoping that it would increase the appeal of the house," Catherine said. "All the woodwork has recently been painted too." She curiously glanced at Olivia. "First impressions?"

"It's beautiful," Olivia said softly. She had seen the pictures on the internet but to actually stand in front of the house took her breath away. The path lead up to two steps that changed into a wooden porch. It was finished off with the same white painted wood works. The garden gave the impression that she was standing in some kind of country area when in fact she was only half an hour away from Manhattan.

"Four bedrooms inside as well as two bathrooms and a recently refitted kitchen," Catherine said as she opened the fence and went ahead. Olivia and Alex fell behind, allowing themselves to take in the view of the house as they strolled up the path. Alex's hand rested on Olivia's arm.

"The picture doesn't do it justice," she whispered.

Olivia nodded. "I know."

Catherine had reached the front door and waited patiently for the two women to reach her before opening it and leading them into a large open spaced living area with wooden flooring throughout. The walls were painted in soft earth tones and with the weak August sun dancing across the floor, the room was bright and airy. Olivia's eyes wandered around, coming to a rest on the staircase leading from the corner of the room to the second floor. It had been painted white but the banisters had been left in their oak colours.

"Large living space with lots of windows and plenty of natural light," Catherine pointed out. She continued walking and Alex and Olivia followed her into the kitchen. It was large and open plan and Olivia blinked a few times before the size registered. Catherine hadn't been lying when she said the units had recently been replaced. The white units accented the wooden floors and the wooden kitchen counter. The top units above her head had glass panelling and there was a space cut out for a large double fridge freezer. Two more large windows allowed for plenty of light to fall into the room and the back door provided entrance to the read garden. There was room for a dining table that would sit at least six people.

"You can show of some of your cooking skills in this place," Alex grinned as she let her fingers dance across the wooden counter. "It's stunning."

"There's a small storage room in the back," Catherine said and pointed at the door. "Keep things like your vacuum cleaner in there." She looked from Olivia to Alex and back. "Is it just the two of you moving in?"

Olivia's eyes snapped up. She was startled by the question. "Errr…"

"Yes," Alex answered quickly, sensing Olivia's sudden hesitation and she smiled. "For now, anyway."

Catherine nodded and she walked back into the living room, towards the staircase. Alex was about to follow her when Olivia grabbed her by her elbow, forcing her to turn around. Piercing brown eyes met ocean blue. "What the hell was that?!"

"I was just trying to make it easier for you," Alex said. "You don't really want to explain that your girlfriend is working undercover, do you?"

Olivia thought about that for a moment and let go of Alex's elbow. "Sorry."

"S'all good," Alex smiled. "Come on, I bet she's dying to show us the bedrooms."

The two women followed Catherine up the stairs and there she showed them around the four bedrooms. Two were large, the third one was smaller and the fourth one was rather tiny. The bathroom was a decent size, complete with bath and separate shower. The landing was wide and had recently been carpeted. As they were standing in the third bedroom, Catherine looked from Alex to Olivia. "Are you looking for a family home?"

Olivia was ready for the questions this time. "We both work in the city but we've decided that it's time to take a step back and reflect on what it is we really want in life. Moving away from Manhattan and out of our apartment seems like the first step towards a different kind of life."

Catherine nodded. "My sister and her partner did the same thing a few years ago. They bought a house somewhere in Boston and had two little boys not long after that." She looked down at the file of paperwork in her hand. "There's more to life than work, after all."

Alex glanced at Olivia and what she saw in the older woman's eyes surprised her. The mention of family life had brought a smile to Olivia's face. She matched Olivia's smile with one of her own as they followed Catherine back down the stairs, through the living room and eventually back into the front yard. Catherine locked the door behind them as Olivia and Alex stood on the porch. Olivia couldn't help but wonder what a rocking chair would look like here, complete with the feeling of a dog sleeping at her feet and the sound of children's laughter coming from inside the house.

"Do you still want me to show you the second property?" Catherine asked when she sensed Olivia' reluctance to leave.

Olivia glanced at Alex who shook her head. "No," she answered. "We're going to go home and we'll talk. Is it allright if I call you tonight or tomorrow with our answer?"

"Of course," Catherine said and took a business card from her pocket. "Try my cell. I never switch it off."

"Thank you," Olivia smiled.

"Stay as long as you like," Catherine offered. "Have a walk around the garden, check out the surrounding streets. And in case you're wondering, there are several good schools in the neighbourhood too." She smiled and it was genuine. "You know, for when life takes another one of those turns you don't see coming."

Olivia and Alex watched the estate agent walk down the path and disappear through the gate. Once she was out of sight Olivia leant against the wooden bannister surrouinding the porch and sighed. The love she felt for this house reflected in her eyes. "I want it."

"I thought so," Alex grinned. "I lost you the minute you walked through that front door."

"I only hope Amanda likes it too," Olivia said and reached into her pocket. She took out her cell phone and started taking some pictures.

"Who would ever have thought…" Alex didn't finish her sentence and Olivia turned to look at her.

"You and I never got this far, did we?" she asked unexpectedly, causing Alex to look up in surprise. Blue eyes met chocolate brown and they looked at each other, briefly acknowledging the shift in tension between them. The attraction, the feeling of warmth, had never truly faded between them, but they had become strangers to each other when life around them changed.

"No," Alex admitted and it pained her to say it. "I thought about it though."

"What? With me?" Olivia asked and Alex nodded, her cheeks suddenly a few shades darker. "Why didn't you ever say anything?"

"Come on, Olivia. What kind of people were we back then?" Alex asked. "We both worked more hours in the day than we like to admit. My heart was set on becoming the new DA, something I have to admit still drives me. Work is what really had a grip on our lives, even though we were together. We were different people then. Times change."

"I'm sorry, Alex," Olivia said softly and closed the distance between her and Amanda and unexpectedly wrapped her arms around the blonde. Alex rested her head against Olivia's shoulder like she had done so many times before. When she felt Olivia's fingers in her hair her body stiffened. When they parted their eyes locked and they looked at each other, perhaps truly seeing each other for the first time since their lives had taken a different course.

"You should send Amanda those photo's," Alex said when she averted her eyes, severing the growing tension between her and Olivia. Only then did she realise that Olivia's hand was resting on her arm and she pulled away. "This would make a beautiful home, Olivia." She swallowed. The lump in her throat was unexpected. "Life takes some funny turns, doesn't it?"

"Yes," Olivia whispered as she looked back at the house she now really wanted to buy. "Yes, it does."


	9. Chapter 9

**Author's note:** I should have probably changed the rating for this story to M after some of the scenes between Olivia and Amanda in earlier chapters but I am definitely changing the rating now. There is some very strong language in this chapter and I need to stress that these are NOT my views. They are the views of the gang Amanda is trying to become a part of for her undercover operation and she has to say the things she does. Compare it to Dana Lewis/Star Morrison in the episode RAW. I apologise for any offence this chapter may cause and please know that I did not intend for this to happen.

**WARNING: STRONG LANGUAGE of a RACIST NATURE.**

* * *

**Chapter 9**

_Left alone with just a memory_  
_Life seems dead and so unreal_  
_All that's left is loneliness_  
_There's nothing left to feel_  
_~Dusty Springfield – You Don't Have To Say You Love Me_

It was dark by the time she hailed the cab and climbed into the backseat. Dressed in a simple black pencil skirt and a salmon coloured shirt with three quarter sleeves, Amanda looked like the executive lawyer she was pretending to be. She had managed to wrestle her feet into the uncomfortable high heeled pumps and ignored the pain the straps were causing at the back of her foot. Her blonde hair fell freely down her shoulders, accenting the soft hint of make-up she had applied to her face. Expensive white gold earrings dangled from her ears, matching the necklace and bracelet she had found in the wardrobe earlier that night. She clutched a designer handbag made out of the finest black leather and fumbled with her cell phone.

Olivia had sent her pictures of a house and for the past three hours she had done nothing else but look at it. She had never imagined herself buying a house, or living in one. But she loved what she saw in the pictures but until she now she had held off texting Olivia back. As the cabbie drove her through the busy Manhattan traffic, her fingers flew over the small IPhone keyboard. _I love it. Do whatever it is you need to do to make it happen. I trust you. I love you._

After she hit the send button she deleted the messages linking her to Olivia from her inbox and took a few shallow breaths. She was supposed to be bitter and angry, not excited and enthusiastic. To regain the feeling she needed for this operation she tried to remember Lieutenant Malcolm as he told her about the undercover stint. She hated his guts. The things she would like to see done to him varied from cutting his manhood off with a potato peeler to pulling out his fingernails with a pair of tweezers. She had never really disliked anyone this much but there was a first time for everything.

The nerves she'd felt the night before weren't there tonight and when the cabbie dropped her off a block away from Palace, Amanda walked with confidence and pride. There was an urgency to her pace, as if she was rushing to get to the bar. It was how she had observed the higher business end people to go through life. Always moving, desperate to make it to their next appointment in time. She had seen them on the trains across Manhattan. She never understood them.

Palace was less crowded than the night before and she found a seat at the bar without trouble. Her blue eyes darted around the dimly lit room and she made eye contact with the bar tender. He smiled when he recognised her and came over, leaning across so that she could order her drink and acquire about her target.

"She's here," he said casually as Amanda whispered she'd have a white wine. "Corner by the window, dressed in the white pants and black blouse. Seems to be alone. Usually she's with some of her friends."

"Do we know if any of those associates are taking part too?" Amanda asked, making sure she kept the smile across her face as she took the wine glass offered to her. She brought it to her lips and took a sip.

"I don't think so. She seems to come in with them but after a while she ends up talking to different people."

Amanda averted her eyes and stared down at the bar. She took another sip from her drink and allowed herself to get used to the taste of the wine. She would have to get used to the vile stuff if she had to hang out here night after night. She tucked a strand of hair behind her ears and her eyes were drawn to the window. She didn't really want to be here but the choice was no longer hers.

"You look like you could use some company."

The voice snapped her out of her thoughts and Amanda blinked a few times. A woman had appeared at her side, an empty martini glass in her hand. A slight smile played around her lips and kind green eyes searched her face, looking for a response. "Drinking alone is so boring."

"It's all I've got to offer," Amanda replied and smiled. A quick glance at the woman's clothes told her this was indeed the target the barman had been talking about. Nothing about her screamed violent gang banger. If anything she looked more like a hardened saleswoman who had ice where her heart should be. "Sad little ole me."

"Mind if I join you?" she asked but she didn't wait for Amanda's answer and slipped into the vacant seat to her left. She signalled for the barman to fill her drink up and he answered her with a smile, avoiding making eye contact with Amanda. Her fingers lazily followed the shape of her wineglass and she waited for her new companion to speak again.

"Long day?" the unknown woman asked.

Amanda snorted. "More like a long week."

The blonde woman arched an eyebrow in curiosity. "Tell me about it." She took a large gulp from her dry martini. "In our business, every week is longer than the one before."

Amanda cocked her head. "Ever had one so hard where you lost your partner, your home and your job all at the same time?" She finished off her wine and slammed the empty glass down on the bar. The anger suddenly radiated off her skin. She glanced at her new companion through her eyelashes and found the woman looking back at her, a little bewildered. She flashed a smile. "I guess not."

"Next one's on me," the woman suddenly replied when Amanda went to order another drink. "Sounds like you could do with someone to talk to."

Amanda narrowed her eyes but a hint of amusement laced her words. "My momma told me not to talk to strangers."

"My name is Lori," the blonde smiled. "Now I'm not a stranger anymore, right?"

"Diana," Amanda lied and shook Lori's hand. "Now, about that wine?"

Lori smiled and paid for the drink. The bartender pushed the glass towards her and Amanda took it. She leant back in her chair. "What is it you do, Lori?"

"Sales," Lori answered and Amanda grinned to herself, realising that her first interpretations had been correct. "I worked my way up through the ranks within the company." She fingered a strand of hair around her finger and a sly smile played around her lips. "It wasn't easy. What about you?"

"Corporate law," Amanda answered. "Well, that is, until this week."

Lori frowned. "What do you mean?"

"Son of a bitch hired someone else," Amanda hissed and took two large gulps from her wine. Anger flashed behind her eyes and she took a deep, noisy breath. The half empty wineglass trembled as she slammed her fist on the bar. "I only just told him that I needed some time and he went and got someone else. Bastard!"

"I'm sorry," Lori said softly and she briefly patted Amanda on her arm.

"Sorry isn't going to give me my job back or my girlfriend or my house," Amanda snorted and shook her head.

"It really hasn't been your week, has it?" Lori asked and a hint of a smile broke through on her face.

"She dumped through a text message!" Amanda exclaimed. "I should have seen it. All the signs were there and I just chose not to see it. She was cheating on me." She chewed her bottom lip and her blue eyes darkened as she looked at Lori. "I've seen what she's left me for. You know, people say that when you dump a lover you're supposed to move on to something better. She went the other way."

Lori suddenly leant in, as if seeing the anger in Amanda's eyes worked like a drug. "That make you feel better?"

"It makes me want to beat the little bitch to a pulp," Amanda hissed. "Leaving me for something like that!"

Lori frowned. "Something like that?"

The words tasted like poison as they rolled off her lips and her stomach did a double flip. The bile rose up in the back of her throat and Amanda forced herself to keep a straight face. Her eyes were full of fire and she looked Lori straight in the eye. "Stupid black whore!"

The words lingered between them for a few seconds, like a silent bond that started to build. Amanda knew that when those words fell from the tip of her tongue that she had drawn Lori in. She had seen the eagerness in her eyes, the sudden lust still lingering in her eyes. Amanda felt a sense of shock. She had never really believed people could feed of other people's hatred or anger but she saw it in Lori's eyes. She saw how she suddenly attached herself to her story, how the words found their way into her mind and fuelled a sudden anger in her heart.

"She left you for a black woman?" Lori whispered, unable to hide her shock. "That's disgusting."

"Not to mention stupid. The bitch ain't got an education, can't offer the money I earned for her. She never had to do anything," Amanda answered and her face was a mask of twisted anger. She forced herself not to think about Olivia. She knew her lover could never do the things she just spoke about. She jerked her head and sighed. "I wish I could knock her lights out."

"What happened to your apartment?" Lori asked.

"I haven't lost it yet but it's in both our names. She'll try and challenge me," Amanda replied and pushed her glass around on the bar. "I probably won't have it for too much longer. We're not married but she'll try and take me for everything I've got, even if she's the one who played me. Bitch deserves to live in a cardboard box somewhere, together with that whore of hers."

"Hey Lori, who's your friend?"

Two more women had walked into Palace and appeared behind Amanda and Lori. Both were blonde, like Lori. One was dressed in an expensive designer dress, the other in a tailored suit. They ordered two drinks and leant against their bar, their eyes roaming shamelessly over Amanda as they took her in. She stared back, waiting for Lori to introduce her, but she made sure the anger continued to flicker behind her eyes.

"This is Diana," Lori said, a sweet smile tugging at her lips. "She's had a bit of a rough week." Her eyes flashed from Amanda to the two new arrivals and she pointed at the woman in the dress before moving her finger towards the woman in the suit. Diana, meet Liz and Gina. Care to join us, ladies?"

Amanda realised that these two women were part of the gang. They had to be if they knew Lori. They shared the same blonde hair and the expensive taste in clothes. Both had to work in some high end job. She flashed a smile and extended her hand before pointing at the two empty seats at her other side. "I promise I don't bite." She grinned. "Not hard, anyway."

For the next two hours the four of them talked, sharing stories. Amanda's story was well practiced and she paid attention to their stories. She picked up the details and pieced together pieces that pointed at their racist views. As the women talked she learnt that Lori too had been abandoned for a black woman. Gina and Liz both their jobs to women of colour and pretended to still live the high life by wearing the expensive clothes they couldn't really afford. As the hours went on their anger became more and more evident, fuelled by alcohol.

When the clock struck midnight Amanda slipped out of her seat. Liz and Gina were gone and Lori followed her to the door. Once outside, Lori lit up a cigarette and offered Amanda one. She declined. Lori then took out her cell phone and smiled as she gave it to Amanda. "Put your number in here. I'll call you sometime. We should hang out more often."

Amanda typed her number in Lori's phone before taking out her own and giving it to her. Lori repeated the action and Amanda checked her contact list to see that her name had appeared. She gasped in surprise when Lori hugged her and kissed her on the cheek before starting down the sidewalk and hailing a cab. Amanda watched her leave and waited until the cab was long gone before starting to walk down the block and hailed her own cab.

She got into the backseat and rested her head against the window. She was tired and she felt sick. What she heard earlier tonight was awful. She was disgusted by herself. She hated what she had been forced to do. Her stomach turned and she started gagging but she fought to restrain herself. By the time she staggered out of the cab and into her building she was sure she was going to be physically sick. She pressed the button for the elevator and jumped when she felt an unexpected hand on her shoulder. She spun around, expecting to see Olivia, but yelped when the person behind her turned out to be a man. It took her a few seconds to realise that he was one of the two Gang Unit officers. She remembered his name was Michaels.

"Good job, Detective," he said and smiled. "You made contact."

"At what cost?" Amanda retorted. "I sat in that bar and I defiled myself. I am disgusted by what you have made me do!"

"Sometimes we have to do things for the greater good."

"Detective Michaels, no offence, but you have no idea what the greater good really is," Amanda hissed. "Saving children from paedophiles and making sure they never see the light of day again, _that_is the greater good!" Her blue eyes narrowed and she wasn't sure whether it was the alcohol talking or her anger or both. She reached underneath her shirt and removed the wire from the inside of her blouse.

The tape that had held it to her skin was still attached to it and she held it up in his face. "Dragging me into your little undercover operation isn't the greater good. It's making someone else do the dirty work for you."

"It will get these women off the streets," Michaels countered. "It will stop these women from raping and abusing women."

"We would have caught them anyway," Amanda hissed and clutched the wire between her fingers. "We always do. Now you just get another pat on the back for bringing down another gang. It's like whack-a-mole. Get rid of one and two more pop up! I'll do what your Lieutenant asks me to do because I am not dumb enough to disobey a direct order but I swear to God I will nail his ass to the wall as soon as I get out of this!"

Michaels didn't get a chance to answer as Amanda turned on her heel and stepped into the elevator. She watched as the doors slid closed and once she was alone in the tiny space she felt the tears begin to stream down her face. She stepped out on the floor where her apartment was, stuck the key in the lock and went inside. She threw the wire on the kitchen counter in passing and without switching on the lights she walked straight to the bathroom. She stripped off her clothes and stepped into the shower but no matter how much she scrubbed herself, she couldn't get rid of the horrible feeling that she was tainted somehow.

After what felt like an eternity she walked into the bedroom wearing nothing but a towel and drops of water and fell down on the bed. She picked up her phone and felt her heart sink in her chest when both Olivia's name and Lori's name had appeared on her screen. Se decided to keep Olivia's message till last and opened Lori's first.

_Had fun tonight. Wanna do it again tomorrow? Meet me at the corner of 23rd and Sixth Ave at 8 pm._

She felt horrible as she typed her reply. _I'll be there. _

Her fingers then scrolled down to Olivia's message. It had been sent around half past ten and the tears welled up in her eyes as she heard her lover's voice echo in her mind. _Can't wait till I can show you the house. Will call estate agent tomorrow. I miss you._

_I miss you too _Amanda typed and hesitated. She wasn't supposed to share any details about the operation with Olivia but she didn't care anymore. Her fingers went back to the keyboard. _Made progress tonight. Who knows, this might be over soon. I love you._

Olivia's reply was quick and Amanda wondered if she had woken her up or if she was still awake, for whatever reason. _Stay safe. I love you._

Amanda put her phone down on the bedside table and crawled under the covers. The scent of Olivia's perfume wasn't as strong as it had been before but it was there. It didn't manage to erase the horrible feelings she experienced but it comforted her a little. She curled up on her side and stared into the darkness until her eyes finally closed and she drifted off into a dreamless sleep.


	10. Chapter 10

**Author's note:** Hi guys, thanks for your reviews so far. They always make me smile. Now, in this chapter we learn a couple more things about Olivia from her time before Amanda. I mainly added them because both are very guilty pleasures of mine and both have been simmering for a little while, especially since I reached season 11 and 10 in the last few days. Don't think too much of it, it was just my attempt of a bit of humour around Olivia's love life (or lack thereof). People always say Olivia has a thing for ADA's, I am taking it a step further. The second part of the chapter is my interpretation of Amanda trying to balance both worlds.

* * *

**Chapter 10**

_Maybe the hardest thing I've ever done  
Was to walk away from you  
Leaving behind the life that we'd begun  
I split myself in two  
Jackson Browne – Love Needs A Heart_

The sound of her phone vibrating had diverted her attention from the empty glass of wine on her coffee table to the suddenly lit up screen. Seeing Amanda's name made her smile and she scooped up her phone and typed the reply, relieved that she was OK. When she put down the device she looked up to find Alex looking at her, that suspicious look in her eyes. The blonde ADA never missed a thing.

"That was Amanda, wasn't it?" she asked. She had buried her hand in her hair and her elbow rested on the back of the couch. The TV was playing some crappy Hallmark movie in the background and the bottle of red wine on the table was empty. Her blue eyes were fixed on the brunette detective and she detected the obvious hint of relief in her eyes when she checked her phone.

She and Olivia had both gone back to work after checking out the house in Jackson Heights but it had been Olivia's idea to meet up tonight. She'd suggested Chinese take-out and they'd spent the evening talking, mainly about work. It stopped Olivia from worrying about Amanda. Alex being here meant that she wasn't alone and she couldn't drive herself insane with all sorts of crazy scenarios. Alex had noticed that Olivia checked her phone every ten or fifteen minutes but never said anything.

"Yeah," Olivia admitted. The relief echoed in her answer. "Finally."

"She allright?" Alex wanted to know.

"She says she is," Olivia answered, avoiding mentioning that Amanda had made contact with the members of the gang. She wasn't even sure she wanted that information in her head right now but fact was that it was there and she would have to deal with it somehow. She swallowed hard and curled her legs up underneath her. She'd changed into a pair of sweats and a simple t-shirt as soon as she got home. Her chestnut hair fell framed her face.

"I always sort of laughed at Kathy when she was worrying about Elliot," she admitted and Alex pulled a bit of a face but Olivia was dead serious. "I guess I just didn't know what it was like to have someone waiting at home." Brown eyes found blue and she knew what Alex was about to say. "You were different, Alex. You knew, understood and accepted the dangers of my job. I don't think Kathy ever really did."

"Doesn't mean I didn't worry," Alex countered and rubbed the bridge of her nose. "Some nights I felt sick, knowing you were out there chasing after some sick prick." Blue eyes darkened as an unsettling memory dawned on her. Olivia had told her about it not long after she returned to being an ADA for SVU. "I don't know what I would have done if I had been there when you went undercover in that prison." She watched carefully for Olivia's reaction, knowing that she most likely brought back some dark, painful memories by mentioning that time.

"I did what I had to do and Amanda is doing the same," Olivia said. She fought to keep the images out of her head. If she allowed them in she wouldn't sleep tonight. If she allowed that monster to control her like had once done, she would only let him win and she wasn't going to. She had her life back and she was not going to let him take that away again. "People get hurt on the job. We all know that."

"Doesn't mean you have to like it," Alex said. "So many husbands and wives, boyfriends and girlfriends, spend their nights sitting by the phone, waiting for that dreaded phone call. They get woken up in the middle of the night by that knock on the door they've been hoping would never come." She continued to study Olivia's face, aware of the conflicting emotions the older woman experienced right now. ""You're no different, Liv. Just because Amanda's a cop doesn't mean you're any different."

"Olivia Benson, worrying at home about her girlfriend," Olivia suddenly grinned. "Some people would never believe me even if they saw it with their own eyes."

Alex rubbed the back of her neck. She had admitted to herself that seeing Olivia with Amanda made her long for a time so far gone she could barely recall it. They had been different people and the Olivia she knew back then was gone. The Olivia she had seen when she arrived at the crime scene for the first time since leaving Witness Protection wasn't the same woman who sat here with her now. They had tried, for a little, but too much had happened. They had drifted apart well before she left for the Congo. After that no bridge could ever reunite them again.

"What happened after I left?" Alex asked softly.

They had never really talked about the time she was away. They emailed every so often but soon they became few and far between. When she came back they had just accepted things had changed. Amanda had been around then and it hadn't taken her long to notice that Olivia's eyes were no longer following her around the room. In those months everything had changed. Olivia had lost Elliot and Amanda broke down through all the walls she had built around her heart. She had even dated David Haden and God knew who else. Olivia had not stopped looking for that someone to add the warmth to her life and she found it only after Alex had left.

Olivia stared at her blonde friend in surprise. Alex sudden question had startled her and she wasn't sure what to answer. Her life after Alex's departure had been a rollercoaster of life changing events, romantic errors and slip ups and the loss of Elliot. She tried to smile but found it hard. "I… I tried to figure some things out."

"Figure them out how?"

"You know," Olivia admitted and a sudden blush crept across her cheeks. She knew she could tell Alex now. Before she had been afraid that she wouldn't understand but it looked like Alex had accepted everything changed after she left for the Congo. It had changed even before that. Nothing had been the same since she'd gone into Witness Protection and all the way through she had tried to move on. "I hooked up with Casey."

"You and Novak?!" Alex asked. She couldn't deny that part of her wasn't surprised. She always suspected Casey batted for the same team. She grinned when she saw the flush spread across Olivia's face. It was almost endearing. She wasn't even angry. She now understood that Olivia had been left lonely, desperate to figure out what to do with her life. "When did this happen? You and Casey, I mean."

"Not long after she started at SVU but after you'd gone back into the Programme," Olivia admitted. The attraction between her and Casey had been instant, like someone pouring oil onto a fire. They had been drawn to each other with an unexplainable force, both desperate to release themselves into something that distracted themselves from their work. "It was never anything serious. We weren't exclusive. We were each other's port of call if we needed to release our emotions. No strings attached, no questions asked." She stared down into her lap, suddenly very interested in the blanket that was draped across her legs. "It went on even after she was censored and disbarred. I think it was probably most intense then. After that…"

Alex knew that face. She knew that look. Even now she knew Olivia so well that she could read her like an open book. She contemplated asking the first thing that came into her head and she chewed her lip. "Please don't tell me you slipped up with Greylek."

"It was a stupid mistake," Olivia groaned. "The guys asked her out for drinks one night. She'd been hanging around like some lost puppy. In the end we were the last ones left and the next morning I woke up at her place." Brown eyes briefly looked up to meet Alex's blue. "Why am I sitting here, sharing my failed attempts at a relationship with you?"

"Because it keeps you sane," Alex interjected. Her face betrayed her shock and she covered her mouth with her hand in disbelief. "My God, Olivia, you and the Crusader?"

"A girl's gotta eat, Alex. It was a one-time thing. Next day you walked onto our crime scene," Olivia said, leaving it open to interpretation exactly why Greylek had been reassigned. She always had her suspicions that the young ADA had asked to be transferred after her night with the detective and Olivia didn't blame her. She couldn't imagine the atmosphere if she and Greylek had been forced to work together after that.

"Did you sleep your way through the entire group of replacement ADA's they sent?" Alex chuckled, expecting her friend to say no but when Olivia didn't answer she sat up with a jolt. Wide eyed she stared at the detective, a mixture of horror and humour flickering behind her eyes. "Who else?!"

"Jo Marlowe," Olivia reluctantly muttered. "I didn't mean for it to happen."

"That seems to be your MO, detective," Alex laughed. "You know, there was this rumour going around the courthouse that you have a thing for ADA's. If they knew the full extent of things they'd see they weren't wrong!"

"Look where dating ADA's got me," Olivia defended herself and raised her hands in defence. "None of it ever worked out. I was looking at it wrong for all this time. Instead of law I should have been looking at order."

"Amanda seems to have calmed you down," Alex said in all honesty. "I think she's good for you, Liv."

"Thanks," Olivia answered and glanced at her watch. When she had checked her phone the time hadn't registered but now she realised that it was almost one in the morning and she sat up. The blanket slipped from her legs and fell to the floor. "You should probably go. You've got court in the morning and Fin and I are canvassing Brooklyn first thing. I need all the sleep I can get."

Alex nodded in agreement and stood up. She put her shoes back on, grabbed her coat and her handbag and started for the door. Olivia followed her and opened the door. The blonde ADA turned around and briefly placed her hand on Olivia's. The touch had once been so familiar but now it was more like the touch of a stranger, a comfort between long lost friends. "You deserve every minute of this happiness, Olivia."

"Thanks, Alex," Olivia smiled and watched her friend walk down the hallway of her building and start down the stairs. "Get home safe."

She closed the door and put the chain and lock on. She looked back into the living room and decided to leave the empty bottle and glasses where they were. Olivia walked into her bedroom, stripped off her clothes and changed into a pair of shorts and a simple tank before crawling under the duvet. It wasn't until her head hit the pillow that she realised how tired she was. The emotions whirled around in her head and she tried to organise her thoughts.

Amanda was in the centre of it all. She liked the house she had gone to look at. She wanted to live there too. They were going to take the next step as soon as Amanda got home safe. Safe. The word echoed around in Olivia's mind and she tried to force herself to stay positive. Amanda was in her bed, probably asleep. She was fine and she would stay fine. The worrying was driving her crazy and Olivia rolled onto her back, kicking against the comforter that suddenly felt too restrictive. Eventually it took another hour for her to fall asleep and her dreams were filled with flashbacks about her cases and Amanda's face.

~()~

She went for a run to get rid of some of the adrenaline and anger that had built up in her body. She breathed in the fresh, cool air of Central Park and picked up snippets of people's voices, the echo of laughter and the sound of children playing. Her muscles burnt as she pushed herself to the ultimate limit, desiring to feel the pain. The lactic acid in her muscles was only increasing the further she pushed herself and eventually she grabbed hold of one of the fences and felt her stomach turn. The bile tasted awful in the back of her throat and Amanda gasped for air.

She was an experienced runner and she had run further than this in her life than she had done this morning but today she had gone as fast as she possibly could. Sweat trickled down her face and strands of blonde hair were plastered across her forehead. Her running clothes clung to her slender frame and she felt her heart pound in her chest.

Amanda took a gulp from her water bottle and slowly she managed to get her breathing back under control. She was a decent distance from her apartment and she wasn't sure she was up for making it back by foot. She patted her pockets to make sure she still had her keys and her metro card and when she felt the hard shape of the card she decided she'd take the subway home instead.

She pushed herself away from the fence and headed for the nearest exit out of the park. There was a subway station just around the corner and by the time she had made it down several flights of stairs the train was waiting on the platform. She managed to find herself a seat, cradled her head in her hands and waited for the train to leave. Once it started moving she heaved a sigh and looked up enough to see the station flash by outside the window.

It took a while before she arrived at the station nearest to her apartment and rushed off the train and up the stairs. She walked two more blocks before reaching her building and paid no attention to the car parked outside. Amanda took the elevator up to her floor, stepped back into her apartment and headed straight for the shower. The conflicted feelings only continued, even after she'd stripped off and stepped under the hot flow of water.

For the rest of the day she watched TV, made notes in the notebook she'd picked up a couple of days earlier and scrolled through her cell phone, tempted to call Cragen. After about an hour, the desire got the better off her and she hit 'dial'. Seconds later her captain answered.

"You're not supposed to call me."

"I know but I'm climbing the walls here," Amanda answered. "Is there anything you can do? Send me some case files maybe?"

"Who would you call if you make a break through? You're not supposed to talk to any of us," Cragen answered.

Amanda, clad in sweats and a simple sweater, pulled her knees up to her chest. The TV was on mute as the lady on the channel five news was annoying her. "I know but if I don't get something to amuse myself with I swear to God I star shootin' people."

"I'll see what I can do," Cragen said and Amanda detected the change in his voice. "How are you holding up?"

"You don't want me to answer that," Amanda groaned and ran her hand across her face.

"Hang in there, Rollins," Cragen answered. "We're all here."

"Thanks, Cap," Amanda sighed and ended the call. She dropped her phone next to her on the couch and switched the sound back on. She flicked through the channels and eventually came across some dodgy action movie.

The time passed slowly and an hour later an unexpected knock on her door startled her. Amanda's head whipped around and she slipped off the couch, padding across the apartment before peering through the peephole. She frowned when she spotted the uniform of a pizza delivery guy and reached for the gun she kept in the drawer next to the door, just in case.

"Who is it?" she called.

"Special delivery," was the reply and she recognised the voice even with the door closed. She immediately opened it and sighed in relief when she saw Amaro. He grinned when he saw her smile and she stepped aside to let him in. She quickly closed the door behind him and turned around.

"What the hell…" she began when Amaro walked into her kitchen and dropped the pizza box on the counter. He opened it but instead of taking out a pizza, he showed her several case files. Her smile only widened and she closed the distance between them, grabbing the files from his hands.

"Nice place you got here," he commented as he followed her into the living room.

"Feel free to move in once this is over," Amanda answered as she sank back down on the couch. Now that she had the case files in her hand she finally felt like she was of some use. Sitting around in the day with nothing to do had proven boring and frustrating. Free time wasn't her best friend. "I hate it."

"Everyone will be glad to know you're allright," Amaro replied. "They've been worried."

"I've been through worse," Amanda replied. She flicked through one of the unsolved cases. It involved a woman who had been raped at knifepoint in her apartment. The rapist had left no DNA and no prints and so far they had been unsuccessful in finding any suspects. She looked up and met Amaro's gaze. "Being shot and all."

"Liv showed us a picture of the house this morning," Amaro said as he walked back into the kitchen and picked up the now empty pizza box. He turned to find Amanda looking at him from over the back of the couch. He saw the longing in her eyes now that he mentioned the life she could have away from this place but for now she was a prisoner. "I hope this will all be over soon."

"Yeah, me too," Amanda sighed and pointed at the files. "Thanks for this, Nick. At least I don't have to worry about eatin' my gun anymore."

"Now all I gotta do is make my way past those two bloodhounds parked outside," Amaro grinned. "I know Cragen said you can't talk to us but you know where we are if you need anything."

"I know," Amanda answered and watched as Amaro made his way back across the department and out of the door. Once it closed behind him she fixed her gaze back on the case files and began spreading the paperwork out in front of her. Finally she had something else to think about and the detective in her woke up and she went to work. As she sifted through the victim statements, the pictures, the forensics and notes, Amanda finally felt in her element. This was what she was born to do, what she was good at and not even being undercover could stop her from the fine detective that she was.


	11. Chapter 11

**Author's note:** **TRIGGER WARNING!** There are racial slurs in this chapter as well as sexual violence. This chapter is perhaps the roughest, cruellest and darkest out of all of them so far and I hope you guys will forgive me for what I have done. It was the scene at the end of this chapter that inspired me to write this story and the rest of the plot has been built around it. Please, continue with care and if you feel like this is not the right time to read a chapter containing violence of a physical and sexual nature as well as racism, please wait until the moment is more suitable.

I actually felt a little unnerved when I wrote this chapter. I have written dark stuff before for the Harry Potter fandom but to do it for something like SVU, where the characters are so much closer to real people, almost hurt me. I can't say 'enjoy this chapter' because that would be wrong. I thank you all for your wonderful comments and patience so far and please, please don't hate me after this one. I promise I'll make it right.

* * *

**Chapter 11**

_Come back when you can.  
Let go, you'll understand.  
You've done nothing at all to make me love you less.  
So come back when you can.  
~Barcelona – Come Back When You Can_

Amanda got to the corner of23rd and Sixth Avenue just before eight o'clock. It wasn't quite dark yet but the sun had started to set, painting the skyline of New York in fiery shades of orange and red. She brushed a strand of hair out of her face before her hand ghosted across her chest and stomach, reassuring herself the wire was attached and in the right place. She had noticed the town car following the cab she took from her apartment to the meeting point and had watched how one of the officers inside had gotten out and was now observing her from inside the coffee shop across the street. She was out of her comfort zone.

"Hey, you been waiting long?"

Lori's voice snapped Amanda out of her thoughts and she effortlessly slipped back into her role. She smiled.

"Nah." Blue eyes narrowed. "Why did you wanna meet here?"

"There's something I wanna show you," Lori said. "You up for a walk?"

They were not far away from Fifth Avenue and Amanda wondered why Lori had chosen this area. It was full of people of all backgrounds and ethnicities. She'd noticed that Palace was mainly frequented by white, high profile workers but here they were amongst tourists and New Yorkers of all backgrounds. The area was home to some of the most expensive apartments in the city and she briefly wondered if perhaps this was where Lori lived.

"Where we goin'?" Amanda asked as she and Lori started making their way through the crowds of people that surrounded them. From across the street the Gang Unit officer appeared, clutching a cup of coffee. Amanda could feel his eyes on her even if she couldn't see him but knowing he was watching her, that she wasn't heading into an unknown situation alone, made her feel more at ease.

"There are some people I'd like you to meet," Lori smiled. "I've been thinking about what you said the other night. You know, about your girlfriend leaving you for that useless piece of shit." Lori's face changed into an emotionless mask and her eyes were so cold that it sent a shiver down Amanda's spine. "I think you'll find their company… enlightening."

They walked for about a block before Lori stopped outside an upscale apartment building and pressed the buzzer. Amanda heard the front door open and she followed the blonde inside. When she looked over her shoulder before entering the elevator she realised that her protective detail was no longer following her. He had to have lost her in the crowd. He couldn't follow her into the building anyway but she wondered if he even knew where she was. Her only way to alert them to her location was by using her wire but she'd have to make sure she did it without drawing attention to herself.

"You live here?" Amanda asked, hinting at the two officers listening to her tape that she was inside an apartment building.

"Not me," Lori answered and a smile lingered on her lips. "Gina."

Amanda remembered the woman she had met the previous night. Lori pressed the button with the number five on it and the elevator doors slowly closed. Both women were silent as the lights above the door lit up one by one, indicating the floors. With a soft 'ping' it came to a stop at five and the doors slid open, revealing a brightly lit hallway. There were only a handful of doors and Amanda followed Lori to the one in the far back. The number 20 was attached to the door in golden digits. Lori knocked twice and the sound of footsteps could be heard on the other side of the door.

"Hi," Gina smiled when she opened the door. She stepped aside to let the two women in and Amanda wasn't sure what to expect but this wasn't it. Gina's apartment breathed the same expensive atmosphere as her own undercover pad, with a luxurious and large kitchen, glass dining table with black leather chairs and a large corner piece suite that was accompanied by a glass coffee table, a large flat screen TV and expensive carpet. Everything about Gina screamed class and wealth but Amanda knew that most if it was pretend. She had entered the lion's den.

"Wine?" Gina offered as the two women made their way into the living room and fetched two more glasses from the kitchen. An open bottle of red and two half full glasses stood on the table and Amanda recognised Liz. She stood by the window, rigid. Something about her body language unnerved the detective but she couldn't quite put her finger on what it was.

"Thanks," Amanda smiled when Gina handed her the glass.

They all sat down on the large couch and sipped their wine in silence. Minutes felt like hours before someone finally spoke. Lori put her glass down and shared a glance with her friends before fixing her gaze on Amanda. "You know, we've been talking about what you said last night, Diana."

"I try not to," Amanda said sharply. "Bitch isn't worth the time of day."

"We feel the same way," Lori answered and something about the way she said it sounded threatening. "We've had some experienced of our own that have been, you know, unpleasant. All those women out there taking our jobs, our homes and our men." She glanced at Amanda. "Or our women." She took a deep breath. "Don't you think the government should be doing something about that vermin?"

"What, with a black man as president?" Amanda scoffed. The words tasted like poison. "Yeah, like that's going to happen anytime soon. He'll look out for his own kind before he starts lookin' out for us." The southern accent grew stronger as she became angrier. The hatred coiled in the pit of her stomach but it wasn't the hatred for what she had said but what these women represented.

"Politicians only care about the alligator bait and border hoppers," Liz interjected and the women around her all nodded in agreement. "The government doesn't care about real Americans anymore."

"There ain't nothin' we can do about it though."

Amanda finished off her wine. The alcohol tasted bitter but not as bitter as the vile she was forced to discuss with these women. She leant back on the couch and stretched out her legs, appearing to make herself comfortable. Anger flashed behind her eyes as she thought about Fin and Amaro. Fin had helped her when things got too rough with her bookie and her gambling addiction. She and Amaro didn't have much to do with each other but she respected him all the same. He was a good man. To hear these women talk about them the way they did infuriated her but she channelled that anger into making herself appear credible.

"There are some who take the law into their own hands," Lori said. The huskiness of her voice drew Amanda's attention and she glanced at the blonde, her eyes narrowed. She saw something in Lori's eyes that unnerved her. "Like they should."

The adrenaline suddenly rushed through her veins. "Government gives them housing, money and keeps them safe from hate but who protects us?" She looked at Liz and Gina and the reflection in their eyes mirrored what she saw in Lori's face. Amanda ran her fingers through her hair. "Who stands up for us when these bitches come in and take our jobs and our home?"

"We do," Lori whispered and jerked her head in a way that made Gina stand up. She extended her hand as an invite and Amanda took it. She noticed Lori and Liz stayed behind as Gina led her across the living room, through the corridor and towards what she assumed was one of the bedrooms. Gina reached into her pocket and took out a simple key, stuck it into the lock and turned it. The door opened and she switched on the light. She stepped aside so Amanda could walk into the room.

Her heart sank. The wall was plastered with newspaper articles, all describing cases where black people and Hispanics had been arrested for crimes. Murder, sexual assault, violence and robbery were some of the headlines that jumped out at her. Pictures had been stuck across the snippets. Most of them were of women and to her horror she noticed that some of them had their faces covered with red crosses. The paint had been sprayed on, like graffiti. Right here was the proof that the victims of the vicious sexual assaults she'd been investigating had not been chosen completely at random.

Her eyes darted around the room. In the corner stood a couch, surrounded with magazines and books. To add to the sick combination the couch was covered with cushions in a flower pattern. She recognised one of the books on the floor as Hitler's Mein Kampf. The others were racist print outs, with big bold letters printed across bright coloured papers. Her throat became dry as she took in the sight and slowly turned to look at Gina. This large, beautiful, upscale apartment was home to their racist headquarters.

"Wow," she whispered. "You did all of this?"

"Me and Lori," Gina smiled. "It's our little project."

"Impressive," Amanda smiled and stepped into the room. She looked over her shoulder and found a large swastika banner pinned to the wall. When it came to their taste and their attitude, the women's group was no different from the men they'd been dealing with in the past. They were just as sick, just as twisted and just as angry. She was about to speak when her gaze fell on the bag by the couch. She recognised it. It was the same bag she'd seen on the security video.

Amanda turned to look at Gina, curiosity flickering in her eyes. "So what the hell do you do in here?"

"Expressing ourselves," Gina smiled and she briefly put a hand on Amanda's arm. The touch startled her and she resisted pulling herself away from her. "There is no law against racial purity. We have to clean this city from the filth that pours into our streets every day."

Amanda studied Gina's face. Her blue eyes had turned a few shades darker and her face was cold and emotionless. Her voice was soft and low, her southern accent more pronounced than it had been all night. "I want in."

"Lori thought you'd say that," Gina smiled. She guided Amanda back out of the door and locked it behind her. She took a step closer to the blonde woman and Amanda could smell her expensive perfume. The contrast of what she appeared to be on the outside and what she was like on the inside was astounding. She looked so normal. "We could use someone like you."

They walked back into the living room and Lori sat up. She appeared intrigued and smiled when she saw Amanda's face she nodded. "I see we got your interest."

"You more than got it," Amanda answered and walked around the couch and sank back down next to Lori. Intense blue eyes met Lori's and she smirked. "I was born in Georgia. My daddy raised me right." She ran her fingers along her legs, feeling the fabric underneath her fingertips. "If my daddy knew what happened, he would roll over in his grave. Let me tell you, he would be proud to know I found someone like you."

They continued to talk for a while until Gina and Liz stood up and disappeared. Amanda followed them with her eyes and noticed they stepped into the room Gina had shown her earlier. After about fifteen minutes they returned and Amanda felt her breath choke in the back of her throat. Gina and Liz had changed their expensive clothes for white hoodies and jeans and both wore working boots. They wore scarves that covered the lower halves of their faces.

"Let's show you what we really do out there in the world," Lori said and stood up. She slipped her hand in her pocket, took out a set of car keys and dangled them in front of Amanda's face. "Let's have some fun, shall we?"

Amanda followed the three women out of the apartment. Her heart pounded in her throat and the palms of her hands had become sweaty. She was this close to stepping into something she wasn't sure she could ever get out of. Seeing the way Liz and Gina were dressed told her that tonight they would try and destroy another precious life. She didn't know who it was or where they had found their target but she had no choice but to follow them. The wire recorded everything and she could only hope that the Gang Unit would move in before things got out of hand.

The air outside was fresh and crisp and Amanda climbed into the backseat of the black SVU parked around the back of the apartment building. Lori got behind the wheel, Liz got in the passenger side and Gina shared the backseat with Amanda. No one spoke as Lori reversed her car, started down Sixth Avenue and then got onto the quickest road that would lead them to Harlem. Amanda watched the city flash by outside the window, the discomfort growing in her stomach when she realised she didn't see the town car following her. No one was there with her tonight. She was in this on her own.

About half an hour later, Lori parked the car in a dark alley way between two bars. She switched off the headlines and Gina and Liz left the SUV. Both pulled up their hoods and readjusted their scarves. Even in the darkness of the alley Amanda could make out their figures and she pressed her face against the glass. Liz and Gina lurked behind a dumpster, as if they were waiting for someone. She didn't know who but she didn't have to wait for long.

A lone figure walked past the alleyway after about fifteen minutes after they arrived and Amanda could see the woman was Hispanic. Liz and Gina moved within the blink of an eye. Liz whacked the unsuspecting victim over the head with a baseball bat and she slumped down, her outcry of pain muffled by Gina's head. They dragged her into the alleyway and continued to kick and beat the woman.

Amanda felt her stomach turn at the sight of violence erupting before her eyes. She had felt sick when she watched the attack on video but now she saw it with her own eyes and there was nothing she could do. Anger seeped into her blood and began to poison her brain, her heart. She clenched and relaxed her fingers, the bile rising in her throat. She felt delirious with anger, a red haze forming in front of her eyes. She fought against the tears burning behind her eyes when she watched Liz yank down the woman's jeans and panties as Gina clutched the metal bar.

Lori turned around and she looked at Amanda. A demonic grin lingered on her face and their gazes locked. "This is what we do," she smiled and pointed at the scene unfolding outside the car window. "We clean the streets." There was a pause that seemed to last forever. "You in?"

"Yes," Amanda answered without ever taking her eyes off the horrors that were happening outside. "Yes, I'm in."

~()~

She didn't hail a cab. Instead she ran three blocks to the nearest subway station and sprinted down the stairs. Her lungs were pressing against her ribcage and by the time she boarded the train she thought she was going to explode. Amanda threw herself into one of the seats and covered her mouth with her hand, afraid she was going to be sick there and then. She gagged, tasting the vomit in the back of her mouth, but managed to hold on. She felt sick. She was angry. The adrenaline pumped around in her veins. The fury she felt inside was unlike anything she had ever experienced before. She couldn't see, she couldn't think. The world appeared like a haze.

Lori had dropped her off exactly at the same spot where they had met hours earlier. Liz and Gina never made it back to the SUV. They had vanished into the night, leaving their victim for dead in the alleyway. She had looked for the town car that was supposed to follow her but it was gone. There was nobody there to help her.

Amanda looked up. The carriage was empty. It was one of the last trains of the night. Not many people travelled this late. She reached behind her shirt, ripped the wire free from the tape that held it against her chest and switched it off. It was best if no one knew where she was about to go. She pushed the device back in her pocket and rubbed her hands together. She didn't know what to do with herself. She had never felt this way. This angry, this wound up.

She left the train after about twenty minutes and ran her way back up the flights of stairs. She knew exactly where she was when she reached the top and walked for another block before climbing the stairs in the apartment building she had been looking for. She glanced at her watch. Just after half past eleven. Her fist made contact with the wood without really thinking and she waited. A lock was turned and a chain moved before the door opened and she released the breath she'd been holding when she saw Olivia peer past the door.

"Amanda, what are you doing here?" she whispered when she saw her girlfriend outside and quickly stepped outside. She saw the strange, dark look in her eyes. "What happened?"

Amanda pushed past Olivia without speaking and slammed the door behind her. The loud sound made Olivia jump but by the time she had turned around to look at her lover, Amanda's hands had closed around her wrists and she pushed Olivia with her chest and face flush against the wall. A knee found itself between the older woman's legs as her arms pressed down on the small of Olivia's back, keeping her in place. Panic suddenly overwhelmed Olivia and she attempted to free herself but Amanda's grip was firm and tight.

"Amanda, what the hell…" she began but one of Amanda's hands shot up to the base of her neck, forcing her to stop moving her head. She managed to catch a glimpse of her lover's face and what she saw frightened her. Amanda's normally soft features had contorted into an ugly mask of anger and hatred and the darkness in her blue eyes was unlike anything Olivia had ever witnessed before. She felt her body stiffen up when the hand that had been pressing against her back slipped around to her stomach and started sliding behind her sweats.

Olivia's hands shot down to stop Amanda from moving but her wrist was caught by the hand that had been pressing her head against the wall, forcing them back up. Amanda pressed Olivia's hands down alongside her face and leant in. Her breath was warm against the olive skinned woman's face and rough, hot lips kissed Olivia's cheek before tracing down to her ear, suckling on the pulse point along her neck.

"I need this," she rasped, her voice so low that Olivia could barely hear it. "Please…" Her index finger slid further behind the sweats and she found Olivia was wearing one of her more comfortable girlie boxers. "You have no idea what happened tonight." The thoughts made her sick. She felt tainted, disgusted. She anger in her body had no other way out other than this.

"Talk to me," Olivia whispered. The fear that had settled in her chest slowly started to subside now that she realised Amanda didn't intend to hurt her. She hadn't come here for that reason. "Please, just look at me and we can talk about it…" Her words were cut off when Amanda's lips roughly crashed down on her own. The kiss was fierce and Amanda's teeth unexpectedly sank into Olivia's lower lip. Both women tasted the blood on their tongue.

"Don't move," Amanda groaned as she pressed her full body weight against Olivia, pressing her harder into the wall. The fingers that had closed around the older woman's wrists travelled down across her arms and eventually found the curve of her breasts through her shirt. Olivia's breath hitched when Amanda's hand slid behind her sweats and dipped behind her panties. Without warning two digits slid inside of her and her back arched in surprise when Amanda began thrusting into her.

Nothing about this was kind, caring or loving. Amanda's touched were rough and Olivia sensed that this wasn't about either one of them feeling anything. She had suspected this side of Amanda existed, it was why she had created the safe word, but she had misunderstood the need she experienced. She had thought Amanda was the one needing the domination but the way it looked now it turned out that Amanda was the one with the darker side, feeling the need to completely overpower her lover in a way that they would perhaps not even approve of in their daily line of work.

Feeling the climax building up was unexpected and Olivia bit down on her lip when she felt Amanda's fingers curl inside of her, brushing along her walls. Olivia's nails scraped across the wall as Amanda's thrusts became harder and rougher, bordering on painful. She added an unexpected third finger, drawing an outcry of pain and lust from Olivia. Her free left hand shifted from fondling Olivia's breasts to grabbing a fistful of her hair and pulling her head backwards. Olivia's eyes filled with the tears at the experience of pain mixed with pleasure and for a moment, a split second moment, she remembered what had happened years ago. The fear was instant and her hands reached for Amanda's in an attempt to slow her down. She wasn't sure if she wanted her to stop.

"Amanda…" she moaned. "Amanda… please… you're hurting…" She couldn't finish her sentence because Amanda pressed her face hard against the wall. Her thumb flicked over Olivia's clit, drawing a raw moan from her lips. Olivia felt her knees buckle. Fear and passion went hand-in-hand.

"RED!" Olivia suddenly cried when the grip around her throat tightened and Amanda started cutting off her oxygen. Fear filled her brown eyes as she attempted to look at her girlfriend but when she saw her face she wished she hadn't. For a moment she didn't see Amanda. She didn't know who she saw but this wasn't the woman that she loved. When she blinked the image was gone and she saw Amanda again. The blonde released her grip around Olivia's throat enough for the brunette detective to repeat the safe word they agreed.

"Red! RED!"

She wanted to repeat the word again but it died on her tongue when Amanda's thumb rubbed over her clit again and suddenly, out of the blue, she hit her orgasm. It made her knees buckle and Olivia could no longer support her weight. She slid down along the wall to the ground and landed on her knees, fighting for air. Her body was left shaking and beads of sweat had formed on her forehead. She reached for the wall to support herself and tried to look over her shoulder for Amanda.

All she found was the open door. Amanda was gone.


	12. Chapter 12

**Author's note:** Sorry to leave ya'll hanging at the previous chapter. Shit is about to go down even further and I hope ya'll ain't gonna hate me for it. I hope all of you who could went to vote today. I may be British but I am supporting Obama and I know that he is the only man right for the job. Anyway, enjoy this chapter. Plenty of stuff still to come. And wow! Over 100 reviews already! You guys are awesome!  
I am going to try and write as much as I can tomorrow as I'll be away for a few days by the end of the week and I'd like to have a few updates for you guys. I am also coming down with yet another virus/cold that is seriously screwing up my ability to focus on my screen. This has not been my year. *sigh* Anyway... here's to chapter 12. Enjoy!

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**Chapter 12**

_Feelings come and go__  
__Me, I`m never gonna ever let you go__  
__Promise you I`m gonna always love you so__  
__Cause all I really need is you__  
~Neil Diamond – All I Really Need Is You_

Olivia walked into the SVU squad room the next morning. Her body ached and she was tired. She hadn't slept last night. After Amanda had disappeared she'd spent nearly two hours walking around outside looking for her but there had been no sign of her girlfriend. By the time she returned to her empty apartment she'd felt even more confused, sad and worried. She tried to understand what happened, what the hell had gotten into Amanda. The look in her eyes had frightened her and it was that look that haunted her throughout the night, preventing her from sleeping. She kept expecting her phone to ring or for someone to knock on her door but it had remained silent. Amanda never came back.

There was a strange atmosphere in the squad room and Olivia relied on her cop senses to tell her what was going on. Brown eyes darted around the room and she singled out Fin, who was sitting at his desk. Munch and Amaro were nowhere to be seen but she saw Nick's blazer draped across the back of his chair. She was later than normal, drawing the attention of some of the other detectives as she walked in.

"Hey," she said when she reached Fin and he looked up. "What's going on?"

"Malcolm's here," Fin answered and jerked his head towards Cragen's office. "I think the Captain's getting his ass handed to him."

"You think he knows we've been in contact with Amanda?" Olivia asked and perched herself on the corner of Fin's neck. She brushed along her turtle neck collar and her eyes were drawn to Cragen's office. She could see Malcolm's back and a sense of worry settled in the pit of her stomach.

"I think I made a convincing pizza delivery guy," Amaro said as he and Munch walked back in. He smirked when Olivia met his gaze. He noticed the dark rings around her eyes. The veteran detective looked pale and tired but he knew better than to ask. It would only result in a sharp retort to mind his own business.

The silence was interrupted by the sound of heels clicking on the lino and Olivia looked over her shoulder to find Alex walk in, clutching a brief case and with her coat draped over her arm. Blue eyes found Olivia's from across the room and the blonde ADA smiled. "Good morning."

"What are you doing here?" Olivia asked.

"Fin called me about a search warrant for a house in Brooklyn," Alex said and reached into the briefcase. She waved the piece of paper in front of Olivia's face with a triumphant smile. "I got the warrant. I assume this is to do with the little boy that was found dead?"

Fin nodded. "A call came in late last night from a concerned neighbour who thought she recognised the boy. I checked it out and found that he matched the description of a child known to live at the address she mentioned. Mom and dad live there too. Both have records for drugs related offences so I asked Alex to secure the warrant before we pay them a visit."

"Anything in plain sight is yours to take," Alex said as she handed him the paperwork. She peered over the rim of her glasses and the look in her blue eyes hardened. "Plain sight only, Detective. No bending the rules this time. I talked to Petrovsky and I know she likes me but I can only make the warrant stretch so far."

"You got it," Fin assured her and slipped the paperwork in his jacket. He was about to stand up from his chair when Cragen's office door opened and the captain and Lieutenant Malcolm came out. The detectives in the squad room looked up. The sudden shift in atmosphere was palpable and Olivia felt an uncomfortable and unexplainable shiver creep down her spine. Her dark eyes snapped from Cragen to Malcolm and back.

"What's going on, Cap?" she asked when she realised he couldn't meet her eyes.

"We've got a problem," Malcolm answered before Cragen could speak. His gaze fixed on Olivia and he fixed her with his stare. She became aware of Alex moving closer to her, suddenly feeling the blonde's presence behind her. The tension began to mount inside of her and the sickening feeling settled in her stomach when Malcolm paused long enough to make them all understand that whatever it was, it wasn't good.

"Rollins' gone off the grid."

"What do you mean, off the grid?" Amaro asked. His dark eyes fixed on Malcolm and the defiance radiated from his body language.

Panic overwhelmed Olivia and she only remained where she was when she felt Alex protective and supportive hand on the small of her back, reassuring her that she wasn't alone. The touch didn't take the fear away but it was enough to ease her, to prevent her from turning around and running away. Amada had vanished. Malcolm's words and the look on his face left no doubt about that.

"Her protective detail failed to maintain contact last night and her wire was switched off after eleven thirty."

"So you lost her," Fin challenged, the anger evident in his voice. He pushed himself out of his chair and it was only because Munch put a hand on his shoulder, grounding him, that he didn't attack Malcolm there and then. He was protective of his partner and he didn't like the situation Amanda had been put in one bit. "She's out there with a bunch of whack jobs and _you _lost her."

Malcolm crossed his arms in front of his chest. His body language was defensive and Olivia despised him for it. This was his fault. This had happened because of him. It was because of what he had made Amanda do that she was now gone. Lord only knew where she was.

"We have reason to believe Detective Rollins has broken off contact voluntarily. There is no reason to believe that her cover was compromised." Malcolm took a deep breath and glanced at Cragen. It was clear the SVU captain knew something the detectives knew not. With the icy glare Malcolm reminded him who was in charge, even if things had gone south. "There was another attack last night. A Cuban girl was raped and beaten outside a bar in Harlem. She says her attackers were female."

"She was there." Olivia whispered the words to herself and turned away from her desk. Alex's hand slipped from her back and she felt the ADA's fingers reach for her arm but she didn't allow Alex to stop her. Someone called her name but she ignored them as she stormed out of the squad room. Her eyes darted around the unusually crowded hallway, desperate for a place to flee to, and eventually rushed into the ladies toilets.

She barely had time to open the tap and splash the cold water in her face when Alex caught up with her. The blonde eyed the older woman up as she leant over the sink, her fingers grabbing a firm hold of the porcelain. Olivia stared at the water disappearing down the drain. The cold drops against her skin did nothing to erase the sudden heat in her cheeks but they masked the sudden angry tears lashing against her skin. She felt her hands shake and looked up into the mirror to find Alex staring at her. Worry reflected in her baby blue eyes.

"What the hell was that?"

"I saw Amanda last night," Olivia said and Alex's eyes widened. Olivia turned the tap off and turned around. She rested her back against the sink and ran her wet hands across her face, brushing strands of hair out of her face. Her stomach twisted at the memory of last night. The memories were too confusing, too painful. She glanced at Alex through her eyelashes. "I swear to god, Alex, if you tell Malcolm I'll kick your ass down the Holland tunnel so far you won't know what hit you."

Alex blinked. She had seen the dark rings around Olivia's eyes, the pale colour of her skin. Everything about the older woman's appearance screamed a lack of sleep and she was worried, frighten even. "Liv, what happened?"

Olivia took a deep breath. "She got to my apartment around eleven thirty. She was upset and I let her in." She swallowed and slowly peeled down the collar of her turtle neck, revealing the purple finger marks on her neck. She had only noticed them when she woke up that morning and looked at herself in the mirror. They reflected where Amanda's hands had been, where she had touched her and what she had done. The sight had shocked her at first and the turtle neck was the only way she could cover them. The sleeves were long and covered the bruises on her wrists where Amanda had pinned her up the wall. She couldn't bring herself to show them to Alex, afraid of what she might think.

She didn't even know what to think herself. She still couldn't find the words to describe, explain, what had happened last night. She wasn't sure if she was hurt. Amanda had acted in a way she'd never see her do before. The aggression and anger in her eyes had terrified her. She hadn't known the blonde was capable of looking at anyone that way. She didn't understand it but at the same time she did. When Malcolm mentioned the other attack it had suddenly all made sense. What Amanda had done last night, what happened between them, was a direct result of what Amanda had been forced to endure. It unleashed something inside of her and all that Olivia could do was wonder if that monster, that darkness, would ever disappear again.

Alex's blue eyed widened in horror at the sight of the bruises but when she reached to touch them, Olivia stepped away from her and pressed herself against the wall. "It's not what you think. She didn't hurt me."

"Those bruises just magically got there?" Alex asked sharply and fixed the older woman with a piercing stare. "What did she do, Olivia?"

"We had sex. Rough sex," Olivia admitted. "Amanda sometimes... Needs it. It helps her. It helps both of us." She paused again, remembering the time where Amanda had let her take control. She had believed that it was what Amanda needed but the true nature of her being only came out last night, unleashed by the darkness she had been sent into. A different side to Amanda had woken up. Olivia heaved a sigh and ran her fingers across the marks on her neck. "But last night was different." It had never happened before, not like this. She didn't even know what it was, what to call it. "When I turned around, she was gone." She swallowed and her eyes darkened. "Malcolm said there was another attack. She was there, Alex!"

"How do you know?" Alex wanted to know. "What makes you think she was there?"

"She looked like she'd been running for several blocks when she got to my apartment," Olivia said an pushed herself away from the wall. She began pacing the room after she readjusted her collar, withdrawing the bruises from Alex's sight. "She looked like she'd seen a ghost. She didn't say much but I knew something had happened When she…" Her voice trembled. "When she pushed me against the wall, I knew."

"Did she… did she hurt you?" Alex asked the question carefully, barely able to believe that she even asked it at all.

"No!" Olivia answered immediately. "She didn't do anything that I didn't want her to do."

She knew it wasn't exactly the truth. Amanda had hurt her. She had asked her to stop, to slow down. She had mentioned the safe word but it had barely been enough to change Amanda's perspective. She had done what she felt she needed to do at that moment in time. Olivia doubted there was any perspective there about right or wrong but it looked like Amanda had changed since that moment. She was gone. She'd failed to contact the Gang Unit, she had taken off her wire before coming to see Olivia and now nobody knew where she was.

"What are you going to do?" Alex asked and continued to follow Olivia with her eyes.

"I don't care what Malcolm says anymore," Olivia answered and she stopped pacing. "Amanda could be in danger out there. Like hell am I going to sit around and wait for him to screw this one up too!"

There was a soft knock on the door and Munch poked his head around. "Is it safe to come in?"

Alex nodded. "What's up?"

"Cragen says we can check out Amanda's pad."

Olivia relaxed and she glanced at Alex. "Fin should execute the search warrant in Brooklyn. That little boy deserved some justice and we can't risk his parents getting any rid of possible evidence. Send Amaro with him." She glanced at Alex. The blonde attorney looked back at her. "I'll go to the apartment, take Alex with me."

"What about me?" Munch asked, arching an eyebrow in question.

Olivia's eyes hardened. "Nail Malcolm's ass to the wall."

Munch grinned. "My pleasure."

Alex and Olivia followed him out of the toilets and Olivia quickly walked back into the squad room to get her jacket. She swung it over her arm and met up with Alex by the elevator. She had avoided Cragen. She wasn't sure she wanted to face him right now. She knew she couldn't blame him, it was out of his hands, but she resented him for giving the case to the Gang Unit and getting Amanda involved in all of this. She knew it wasn't fair but she couldn't change or help the way she felt.

The two women made their way down to the parking lot and Olivia slipped behind the wheel of the black sedan. Alex barely had time to buckle up when she reversed the car and joined the traffic. She turned the radio on but didn't really listen to the music.

"I called the estate agent last night," she said unexpectedly and Alex looked up in surprise.

"Oh?"

Olivia never took her eyes of the busy traffic. "I told her I want the house."

"Wow." Alex rubbed the bridge of her nose. It seemed like a strange conversation to have while they were on their way to Amanda's undercover apartment, considering the circumstances. She swallowed and glanced at Olivia. "Errr… congratulations."

"I'd hoped this would be over soon," Olivia said. "Looks like this hell has only just begun."

For the next twenty minutes neither of them spoke and Alex softly hummed along to one of the country songs playing on the radio. She wasn't one to really listen to music but somehow right now it eased some of her nerves. She didn't ask Olivia why she had wanted her to come. Maybe the detective was worried or afraid about what they might find at the apartment and she wanted someone there she knew she could trust blindly. Alex knew Olivia would put her life down for any of her colleagues but their relationship was different, it had always been different.

Olivia parked her car in front of the building and got out. She looked around and noticed the town car that had been trailing Amanda wasn't in its usual spot. She shook her head. "Bastards have already abandoned her."

She started for the main entrance door and walked through the lobby and stepped into the elevator. The doors closed after Alex got in and she watched the digits above the door light up. With a soft 'ping' the elevator reached the floor Amanda lived on and Olivia stepped through the doors before they had even fully opened. She rushed down the corridor and when she reached Amanda's place she banged on the door. She wasn't expecting her to open up but to not hear footsteps was heart breaking anyway. She rested her forehead against the door before knocking again.

"Can you open it?" Alex asked when she reached Olivia. "You got a key?"

"I got a shoulder."

Olivia took three steps back from the door, placed herself at the right angle and took a deep breath. She wasn't a stranger to knocking down doors but it was never easy to judge whether a door was going to give way easily or whether she would end up injuring herself if the door proved stronger than she was. She glanced at Alex, who didn't seem too sure, and then charged forwards and threw all her weight against the door. The door creaked and she felt it shift under the impact of her weight. The pain travelled up her arm, through her shoulder and along her spine. She repeated the action without thinking the door still didn't budge.

"Holy shit," she hissed as she rubbed her now sore arm and took two steps back. "Nasty piece of work."

Unexpectedly she kicked against the door and the sudden impact made that it sprung open. With a smile she turned to face Alex and the blonde attorney smirked too. "Nice one."

Together they stepped into the apartment where Amanda had been living for the past few days and Alex whistled through her teeth. Olivia, who knew her way around, quickly secured the apartment after silently signalling Alex to wait by the door. She drew her gun, even though she instinctively knew the place was abandoned, and checked all the rooms. Once the apartment was cleared she called Alex and showed her the walk in wardrobe. Some of the items of clothing were missing.

"I think she's been back here." She pointed at the clothes on the floor. "She wore this when she came to my place last night." She took a deep breath. "But where the hell is she now?"


	13. Chapter 13

**Author's note:** OK folks, so how excited are we about Obama being back in?! I know I am! Anyway, here is chapter 13. Lots of stuff happening in this one and this chapter comes with a **WARNING** for racial slurs and physical violence. Please, be advised!

* * *

**Chapter 13**

_And you with the blue in your eyes_  
_The storms of life leave a few lines_  
_And squinting you search for the signs_  
_Of kindness, of love, of someone_  
_To walk with in rain or in sun_  
_Until then, life's hardly begun_  
_~Mary Chapin Carpenter – We Travelled So Far_

She knocked on the apartment door and rested her head against the wood. She didn't know where else to go. There was nowhere else to turn to. Her heart hammered in her chest and the blood was rushing through her body so fast that it made her feel dizzy. The adrenaline raced through her veins and the constant twisting and turning of her stomach made her feel sick. A simple rug sack hung over her shoulder. She'd managed to stuff some clothes into it but she had walked out of the apartment without really thinking.

She'd wondered around the city for most of the night, aimlessly making her way from street to street, jumping on and off trains, riding them pointlessly without knowing where she was going. She had watched the world flash by outside the darkened windows, watched the meaningless faces of the people who passed her by. She didn't know them. They didn't know her. They didn't know what she was, what she had become. A monster.

The thought made her want to throw up. She'd emptied her stomach three times, with less and less to come out every time. The acid had burnt her throat and the aftertaste just wouldn't go away. She'd showered in an attempt to rid herself of the tainted feeling but even after she had scrubbed her skin red and raw, she still felt dirty. She _was_ dirty.

"_RED!"_

She still heard Olivia call their agreed safe word in her head. The echo of her lover's voice had haunted her along the streets of New York and it had brought her here, to the one place she knew nobody would ever find her. She'd hurt Olivia. She had crossed a line. She didn't know, didn't understand, what had happened but she knew she'd lost control. It had gone too far. All the anger and the darkness that she'd kept so safely locked away had been unleashed, pouring into the world that surrounded her, tainting it, poisoning it.

She knocked on the door again. It was early morning. She didn't bring a watch but the position of the sun above the New York skyline and the sound of morning rush hour told her that it could be no later than eight o'clock. Her fingers rasped against the wood for a third time and finally she heard shuffling footsteps on the other side. They halted for a moment and she suspected the occupant of the flat to be peering through the peephole. A chain moved, a lock was turned and the door opened.

"Diana?" Gina looked at the blonde woman standing outside her door in surprise.

Amanda felt her stomach turn at the sight of the other woman. She remembered what she'd done the previous night. "I'm sorry... I-I shouldn't have come here." She averted her gaze. "I'm sorry."

Tears welled up in her eyes and she went to turn around. Conflicting emotions took over. Maybe this wasn't the right place to go after all. She'd wanted to go here, to slip back into her role as Diana and bring these bitches down without the Gang Unit knowing. She hated them for what they'd made her sit through and her anger now clouded her judgment. Malcolm could shove his investigation up his ass.

"Hey," Gina said and reached out a hand, forcing Amanda to turn around when she grasped hold of her wrist. Questioning eyes searched the blonde woman's face. "What happened?"

"I…," Amanda stammered and swallowed. "When I got home last night, she'd let that whore into our apartment and said I had to pack my things!" Suddenly a blazing fire ignited in her eyes and an angry tear chased down her cheek. She briskly wiped it away and took a deep breath. "She had the fucking nerve to tell she's moving in with that black bitch and she kicked me out of my own home!"

"I'm so sorry," Gina answered. She noticed the rug sack. "Where have you been all night?"

"Ridin' the trains, wanderin' the streets," Amanda answered. "I… I don't have anywhere to go. I mean, all the friends I made in New York I met through her and no one wants to pick sides by lettin' me stay at their place." She looked up at Gina through watery eyes. She'd rehearsed the story over and over again in her head. "I didn't know where else to go."

"Come on," Gina said softly and stepped aside to let Amanda into her apartment. "You've been out on the streets all night?"

Amanda nodded shakily and stepped into the comfortable warmth of Gina's apartment. She knew what this place. It was command central; it was headquarters for their sick operations. It was where she needed to be if she wanted to bring them down. She pushed her hands into the pockets of her jeans and fingered the zipper of her jacket. She'd bound her hair in a messy ponytail and fought against the bile rising in her throat. This place was pure evil and Gina, although she looked angelic, was everything but.

"You want some coffee?" Gina asked as she walked into the kitchen and Amanda followed her. The scent of the freshly brewed her liquid made her stomach growl and Gina looked over her shoulder, hearing the sound. "I'll take that as a yes."

"Thanks," Amanda muttered as she took the mug and wrapped her hands around it. "I'm sorry for turnin' up like this."

"S'allright," Gina smiled and sipped from her coffee. She glanced at Amanda over the brim of her mug and their gazes unexpectedly locked. "We're sisters. We need to look out for each other. Nobody else gives a damn out there."

Amanda nodded. "Where did you go last night?"

"Home," Gina answered and the satisfied smile on her face was so disturbing that it sent Amanda's stomach into another unexpected double flip. "Lori always says it's best if we aren't seen leaving together. It's far easier to just disappear if we're on our own."

Amanda leant against the kitchen counter. "You mean Lori doesn't think what you're doin' is right?"

Gina chuckled unexpectedly. "Of course she thinks it's right! It's the police and all the other deluded fools out there, with their brainwashed minds, that think what we're doing is wrong! They don't see how all these immigrants and blacks ruin our country, taking over our homes and our jobs! The government only cares about protecting them!"

"I wish there was some other way we could teach them, you know," Amanda said slowly and stared into her coffee. She remembered Olivia telling her about the FBI Agent Dana Lewis and the time she had spent undercover inside a far right supremacist gang. It had lasted for five months and she had played her part well. Amanda didn't want to waste five months of her life trapped in this hellhole. She wanted out, even if she didn't know where to go after this. She couldn't go back to Olivia.

Not after what she'd done to her. The thought scared her and she almost dropped her mug. Her fingers closed tighter around the stone and she silently chastised herself. She hated herself, she hated what these monsters had made her become. She'd kept her darker side hidden for many years, learning how to bottle the aggression and darkness up deep down inside of her. She'd learnt throughout her life to find a different way of dealing with it, usually through running, but now that wasn't enough anymore. Something inside of her had broken. She didn't know if she could fix it.

"Does Lori know you're here?" Gina asked suddenly and Amanda's eyes snapped up. Her cell phone was in her pocket but she'd switched it off, knowing full well that by now Olivia had to have realised she was gone. She suspected Morales was waiting for her phone to be switched on so they could track the GPS.

"I haven't called her yet."

"I'll let her know you're here." Gina finished her coffee. "Do you want to take a shower, maybe try to get some sleep?" The gentleness was disturbing, considering the monster that lived behind the mask. Amanda found it unsettling. Gina had adopted her two personalities extremely well, so well even that it was impossible to tell where one part ended and the other began.

"You look like hell, Diana."

"Just a shower would be nice," Amanda said softly and put her mug down on the counter before following Gina across the apartment, passing the room where she knew Gina kept her racist paraphernalia. A shiver crept down her spine when she stepped into Gina's master bedroom. It was spacious and bright and the bed was made up with soft, light blue sheets. She wasn't sure what she'd expected but this wasn't it. Gina pointed at the bathroom and took a towel from the closet.

"Take as long as you need. I'll call Lori while you're in the shower."

"Thanks," Amanda whispered and walked into the bathroom, closing the door behind her. She dug her cell phone out of her pocket and contemplated switching it on. Within half an hour there would be a SWAT team in here but they'd only be able to arrest Gina. She didn't have a last name for Lori or any of the others. She didn't know if besides Gina, Liz and Lori there were any more women in the group. She suspected there had to be.

She took a quick shower, washed her hair and got changed into a clean pair of jeans, a grey sweater and her boots. Her damp hair framed her pale face and she glanced in the mirror. Dark rings had formed around her eyes and her lips were dry and chipped. She swallowed hard, put her phone back into her pocket without ever switching it on and picked her bag back up. She found Gina in the living room and the blonde woman looked up.

"Better?" she asked, smiling.

"Sorta," Amanda answered. "You speak to Lori?"

"She's on her way here."

Amanda pulled her legs up underneath herself and stared out of the living room window. "I can't believe this actually happened."

"None of us can until it does," Gina said. The hint of venom in her voice was obvious. "It's like a toxic poison that slowly creeps further and further into people's lives. Immigrant shops everywhere, speaking in foreign tongues. Most of them are terrorists, waiting for another chance to attack America. They don't know work; they just collect the welfare and take whatever doesn't belong to them. The government doesn't do anything to stop them. Come on, they even put one of those porch monkeys in the highest place imaginable. Fucking president!"

Amanda rolled her eyes. "I want to smash her up good."

Gina arched an eyebrow. "Who?"

"That whore who stole my woman." Amanda's eyes hardened but inside she ached now that she spoke about Olivia. All she wanted was to go back to her, explain to her what happened. She wanted to see her, feel her, touch her, and smell her. She wanted that safe, familiar feeling back that she got whenever she knew Olivia was near. She needed her. She needed her more than she had ever needed anything, or anyone, in life and she had just thrown it all away.

Gina pushed herself up. "Do you know her name?"

Amanda chewed the inside of her cheek. The wheels of her head were spinning. She had a choice: either she could say that she didn't know who the woman was or she could mention the only name that came into her head and take the chance that she could bring this case down without the help of the Gang Unit. She took a deep breath and cold, blue eyes looked up to find Gina looking at her, hungry for a name. She recognised the sick desire in her eyes. Gina needed a reason, just a single reason, to unleash more violence into the world.

"Melinda Warner."

There was no way back now. She would have to execute the plan into the smallest detail. One mistake and it would all be for nothing. Mentioning the ME was only part of it.

"You know where she lives?"

Amanda shook her head and ran her fingers through her damp hair. "No."

She swallowed as her memory was drawn back to Olivia. She would give just about anything right now to see those big, beautiful brown eyes ago. The very eyes she had fallen in love with months ago. She made a choice; one that had brought her here and there was nothing she could do to change what she had started.

A knock on the door startled her and she jumped but Gina casually stood up, crossed the room and came back into the living room followed by Lori. Lori briefly hugged Amanda, setting her teeth on edge, before sitting down beside her and Gina quickly explained what had happened. Amanda just stared into the distance, allowing the turmoil of emotions to consume her. She had to bring this to an end somehow and she could only think of one way.

"We need to do something about this," Lori said once Gina had finished. "We can't let this happen." She put a hand on Amanda's arm. "Diana, you OK?"

"Yeah," Amanda answered. "I errr… I just need to use the restroom." Her stomach turned again and even though there was nothing left to come out she knew she was going to be sick. She got up and sprinted across the apartment to the bathroom, slamming the door behind her. She dropped to her knees beside the toilet and heaved but nothing came out. Tears burnt behind her eyes and when she finally pushed herself up she took a deep breath.

She staggered back to the door, locked it and slid her hand in her pocket. She took her cell phone and switched it back on, knowing full well that somewhere on a computer screen her signal had just appeared. She envisioned Morales' excitement when he realised it was her cell. The second her phone came to live, a flood of messages appeared on her screen. Twenty text messages from Olivia as well as fifteen voice mails from her number, several missed calls from the rest of the SVU squad and Alex and one text message from Cragen. She didn't bother checking any of them but just started typing a message to Olivia.

_I'm sorry for everything. I never meant for any of this to happen. Don't worry about me, I'll be fine. I just need to tie up some lose ends. I know you've tracked my cell and you know where I am right now. Don't come looking for me. Not yet. When I want to be found, you'll know where to go. I love you._

She hit send and switched her cell phone off again, hoping Olivia received her message. She put it back in her pocket, flushed the toilet and splashed some cold water in her face. Amanda then left the bathroom and walked back into the living room. She felt weak and tired and although she couldn't remember the last time she'd eaten, she wasn't hungry. She slumped back on the couch and her eyes found Lori.

"I need you to teach me somethin'."

Lori arched an eyebrow in question. "Teach you what?"

Amanda's face hardened and she leant in. "Teach me how to do it _right_."

A smile tugged at Lori's cheeks and she slowly nodded. She then glanced at Gina. "Call Julia. If anyone can teach Diana, it's her."

Julia was a new name and Amanda made a mental note of it. She'd seen the way these women attached their victims. They used the skill of someone who had practiced some form of martial arts. Their kicks were well aimed and they practiced and shielded their bodies like only a trained professional would. Someone had taught them how to fight and whoever it was had unknowingly changed them into emotionless killing machines.

Gina scrolled through her contact details on her cell and made a choice. She held the phone against her ear, a little smile lingering on her lips. "Hey, it's me." It almost sounded like a typical phone call you'd see in a gangster movie. "You free? Good. We'll see you in half an hour." She hung up and looked at Amanda. "You'd better be ready for this."

Amanda cocked her head and forced herself to smile. "I was born ready."

~()~

Lori and Gina drove her from Gina's apartment on Sixth Avenue to a place in the Village. As they drove, Amanda wearily checked the traffic around her. A police car overtook them, sirens wailing, but disappeared out of sight within seconds. If Olivia had received her message, she had indeed not sent in the SWAT team. Maybe they were still on their way. She wasn't sure she wanted to think about the consequences if they returned to the apartment to find it riddled with cops. She released the breath she'd been holding when Lori pulled her car up outside a rather dishevelled looking building. Two of the windows were boarded up and the posters plastered onto he walls were years, if not decades old. The building was just off the main road, in an alley cramped with dumpsters. She could smell the stench of rotting food as she got out of the car and glanced at Lori and Gina. This was quite a difference from their upscale living style.

Lori went ahead and led Amanda and Gina into the building. The second they entered Amanda's senses heightened. She could smell stale sweat, rubber and plastic. Music was playing in the other room. Loud and with a heavy beat. Lori pushed against another door and they walked into a room that could only be described as a large boxing ring. The music was even louder here, blasting from the speakers.

Amanda's eyes darted around the room and she realised that the voices she'd heard were in fact three women, two of which were engaged in a full on fist fight. The third woman had jet black hair and was covered in tattoos and piercings. She looked up when she heard Lori, Gina and Amanda come in and with a single hand gesture stopped the fight. The two women seemed disappointed but they gave up trying to kill each other. Blood splattered the floor.

"Hey," she greeted them when the trio reached her and she eyed Amanda up as if to determine whether she was worth it. "You the new girl?"

Amanda nodded. "Name's Diana."

"I don't care what your name is," Julia said dismissively. "Can you fight?"

"Isn't that what you're supposed to teach me?" Amanda countered and she noticed how Julia's eyes darkened. She couldn't be any older than twenty five but her arms were covered in tattoos, varying from Japanese koi fish to skulls. She had shaved her hair on one side.

"I'll teach you how to survive but I can only do that if you can fight," Julia challenged and she took a step towards Amanda, entering her personal space. Dark brown eyes pierced into Amanda's blue. "So, can you fight?"

"Yes," Amanda answered. She'd held her own in a few bar brawls but never anything like this. She'd never fought anyone deliberately, with the intention of hurting or even killing them. She suspected Julia wanted to see what she was capable off before teaching her the best ways of using her methods in real life. She wondered if this was how all the women had started; dragged into this filthy gym room, having their strengths tested by beating each other to a pulp before being trained to develop their strengths so that their victims didn't stand a chance to fight back.

Julia set her jaw and beckoned for one of the two women who'd been fighting earlier to come over. She had a black eye and a nose that had been broken a few too many times. Her muscles were toned and everything about her body language screamed strength. "Proof it."

Amanda clenched her fists and placed her feet a few inches apart. Her opponent was a decent bit taller than she was, an no doubt heavier too, but her cop training would come in useful. She knew she shouldn't have done this. If she'd known in advance that this was what it would turn into, she wouldn't have said she was ready. All these thoughts ran through her head as she prepared herself, never taking her eyes off the other woman.

She saw the punch coming and it allowed her a split second to step away and place her shoulder into the other woman's side. Her left arm shot up and made contact with her attacker's jaw. It sent her body staggering backwards. Her attacker recovered quickly and one arm closed around Amanda's waist without warning and the other rammed into her back. Amanda cried out in pain when her attacker's elbow crashed into her spine and she lost her balance, dropping down onto her knees. She forced herself to roll over onto her back and her knee shot up the second the woman came at her again and she pressed it between her legs, causing her attacker to fall down herself. Amanda used all the strength she had in her body to throw herself at the other woman and landed on top of her. Suddenly their bodies were wrapped up in a mess of tangled limbs.

She felt the blood pour out of her nose when the woman's fist made contact with her face. Amanda's teeth sank into her lower lip, splitting it. The blood tasted funny in her mouth. Her head was pounding and the adrenaline rushed through her veins, numbing the pain. Her hand shot up so fast that her opponent barely had time to respond and Amanda hit her twice real quick across the face. In the seconds of confusion that followed she rolled out from her underneath her, jumped up and placed her foot securely in her back before kicking her.

"WOAH!"

Julia intervened and yanked Amanda away from her victim when she kicked again, this time aiming for the woman's stomach. Her body flew up when Amanda's foot made contact with her gut and she groaned in pain. Blood seeped from a cut above her eye and there were red scratches along her arms were Amanda's nails had clawed across her skin.

Amanda was panting and she wiped her hand across her face. When she looked down she saw it was covered in blood. The pain in her head was only getting worse and the hammering of her heart in her chest was almost painful. Beads of sweat trickled down her face, stinging as the salt made contact with the cut on her lip. She turned to look at Julia, anger flickering in her eyes.

"Why did you make me stop?!"

"The one thing we teach in this room is that we don't kick anyone in the stomach," Julia said sharply. "What you do outside these walls is your business but in here, a kick like that can kill someone."

Amanda snorted. "And punching their head ain't?"

"My gym, my rules," Julia reminded her and glanced from Lori and Gina back to Amanda. "Where did you find this chick? If I could, I'd keep her as my own fighter. She could make me a fortune."

Fight Club.

Lieutenant Malcolm had used the reference to the movie to explain that she couldn't talk to anyone about the gang but Amanda now began to understand that it went way deeper than that. The women attacking other women were either lured in when talking to Lori or they were picked up from places like this, where underground fights were a way of making money and doing business. She'd heard some of the guys talk about a fight club back in Atlanta but she'd never actually seen one. But now she was here, in New York, and her racist little friends were part of something way bigger and far more organised than she could have imagined.

Amanda looked at Julia, blood still seeping down her face. "I'm nobody's bitch. _Nobody_ owns me."

"You know where to find me if you ever change your mind," Julia answered and shrugged. "Lisa here is one of my best fighters. You knocked her about like she's a fucking ragdoll." She looked at Lori. "I suggest you keep her on a leash. You saw how I had to stop her. She'd kick them to death in minutes." Julia's brown eyes found Amanda. "You were born to fight, born to destroy."

Amanda hung her head, unable to face the harshness of those words. She didn't speak when she felt Lori's hand on her arm and willingly followed the blonde out of the gym. Once out of the room, Gina gave her a towel and she pressed it against her nose. Through heavily lidded eyes she looked at the other women. "That was a test, right?"

"You heard Julia. You can work for me and get your revenge or work for her and get your money." Lori's face was cold and distant. For the first time Amanda saw the harsh business woman underneath. Her times in sales had perfected the attitude. This was a business to her. Lori was leading this gang and she was always recruiting. Julia's gym was the perfect place for it. She'd sent her girls back in to beat the black chicks up in a fight and she'd use those skills out on the streets on unsuspecting strangers.

"I'm in," Amanda groaned and pressed the towel a little firmer against her bleeding nose. "I'm in."


	14. Chapter 14

**Author's note:** Hey guys, I managed to finish this update today, even though I am suffering from a stinking cold and I've been at work all day. I'll be away for the next five days and I am not sure I'll be able to update so please forgive me if nothing gets done. I hope that by the time I get back, I'll feel better and my cold/sickness thing will be over. Also, by next week we'll have a new episode of SVU to feed our Rolivia desires. Enjoy this chapter. Your comments are very much appreciated and never fail to make me smile.

* * *

**Chapter 14**

_Piece by piece I take apart_  
_This complicated heart_  
_And I hope to find_  
_Something I can prove is real_  
_I can feel is truth_  
_I can say is mine_  
_~Melissa Etheridge – The Letting Go_

Olivia stared at her cell phone. Amanda's message had come through and she'd read it several times. Somewhere behind her Morales said that he'd picked up her GPS signal and Fin called for the others. She overheard Amaro saying that they needed to call in the SWAT team and it wasn't until she observed Cragen reach for his phone that she looked up and shook her head.

"NO!" she called and everybody looked up in surprise. "Hold off with the SWAT team."

"What? Why?" Fin asked and furrowed his brow. "Liv?"

"She sent me a text," Olivia breathed and showed her phone. Alex, who had been looking over Morales' shoulder, turned around in surprise. "She doesn't want to be found just yet." Her big brown eyes looked around the group and she knew they wouldn't understand. She took a deep breath. "She switched her phone on because she wanted me to get this message."

"What did she say?" Alex breathed.

Olivia glanced down at her screen and read the message out loud. "I'm sorry for everything. I never meant for any of this to happen. Don't worry about me, I'll be fine. I just need to tie up some lose ends. I know you've tracked my cell and you know where I am right now. Don't come looking for me. Not yet. When I want to be found, you'll know where to go." She avoided mentioning the last words. The 'I love you' was meant for her eyes only.

Fin took a step towards Olivia and narrowed his eyes as he went over the message in his head. "Say that again? About wanting to be found?"

"When I want to be found, you'll know where to go." Olivia looked up from her cell phone screen and her eyes found Fin. "Does that mean something to you?"

"When Rollins' first asked for me to meet her outside the job, we met in this bar," Fin explained. "It was the night things went down with her bookie." He looked at Olivia and she remembered the situation well. She'd been worried about Amanda back then but hadn't allowed herself to admit to her feelings. She'd been too preoccupied with David Haden to really realise. "Then, a few months ago, when you guys were working things out…"

"You met up at the same bar again?" Olivia asked and Fin nodded.

"She used those words, Liv. She asked if I was lookin' for her and I answered that I was only looking if she wanted to be found." Fin jerked his head. "That's gotta be the place she's talking about."

Cragen looked from Fin to Olivia. "You think she's sending a message?"

"She's telling us that she's no longer doing this for the Gang Unit. She's doing this for herself," Olivia said. She started pacing the squad room, her hands pushed deeply into the pockets of her jeans. She allowed herself to slip into Amanda's mind. She knew where she was right now. She'd been there herself, undercover inside the prison. It required a certain mind-set to understand an undercover cop, especially one that had been forced into a violent and dangerous situation without preparation. Amanda was trapped in a circle of violence and she had broken protocol to go it alone. She had no backup, no one to have her ass when things went wrong. Olivia's eyes snapped up.

"She's gained their trust. You heard some of the stuff Malcolm played. The recordings clearly show that she made contact and even became friendly with the targets. They're all women and they clearly believed Amanda's story."

It had been horrible to hear Amanda describe how she'd been cheated and hurt by this fake girlfriend. Olivia felt like a traitor, like she was somehow responsible for all of this even though she knew she wasn't. Malcolm had been reluctant to let them hear the recorded conversations but Cragen had insisted, considering Malcolm had lost one of his best detectives. They knew Amanda better than anyone and they hoped to find something in her conversations that would tell her where she was.

To their horror they even heard the recording that was made when Amanda was forced to watch the beating and rape of the latest victim. Even with the screaming in the background Olivia still heard Amanda's breath catch in the back of her throat. She could only imagine the fear, the anger and the rage she felt. Her hand had slipped to her throat, caressing the bruises that hid underneath her collar. She'd seen Alex look at her and she avoided making eye contact, knowing that the blonde disagreed with what had happened. She didn't blame Amanda, even if she had hurt her. After hearing the tape and hearing what she had to do, she understood.

"She took off her wire after the attack in Harlem," Olivia said and looked around the squad room. She had to tell them that she'd seen Amanda the previous night. "She arrived at my place without it. There is no recording of her reaching my apartment." Her eyes found Cragen. If he judged her for what had happened, he didn't show it. She hadn't asked Amanda to come to her. "She didn't stay long but we know that at least at some point last night she was allright. After that… we got nothing."

"The signal was centred around Sixth Avenue," Morales said and he pressed a few keys on his computer. The angle changed and the programme began to zoom in. Olivia recognised the almost typical street layout of New York and squinted. "I can't locate it to the nearest point but when she switched on her phone Amanda was somewhere on this block."

"You want us to check it out, cap?" Munch asked.

"Keep it low profile," Cragen said and pointed at Amaro. "Sit on it if you have to. See if anyone comes or goes matching the description of the women on the recording. With a little luck Malcolm should have photos within the hour. I can't believe that ass still refuses us access to his investigation."

"Fin and I will take the bar," Olivia said before Cragen could tell her to back off. Their gazes locked but she shook her head. "You can't tell me to sit this one out, Cap. I know she's out there and if something's wrong I know that I can reach her."

Cragen caved and nodded. "Any sign of her and you call me, understood?"

Olivia nodded. "Thanks, Cap."

She grabbed her jacket and she and Fin walked out of the squad room. Once they were out of hearing range Fin turned to the brunette detective. She leant against the elevator door. "You allright?"

Olivia heaved a sigh. She didn't feel allright. She was tired, she was scared and her body started to protest against the lack of sleep. She kept thinking about Amanda, somewhere out there, surrounded by these idiots. She ran her hand across her face and rubbed her eyes before looking at Fin. Her voice was flat. "I'm not sure."

"We'll find her," Fin reassured her. "Rollins' a fighter."

Olivia sighed. "You said that when she got shot." The memory was painful but it also brought hope. "She pulled through then so I must hold on to the thought that she'll do the same again."

They got into the elevator and five minutes later they were walking across the parking lot to Fin's car. Olivia climbed into the passenger side and Fin started the engine. He reversed and they left the precinct behind them as Fin began making his way to the bar where he had first met Amanda outside of work nearly two years ago. He remembered it well. The call had been unexpected but the minute he walked into the bar and saw her take a large gulp from her bottle of beer, he knew something was up. When she confessed she had a problem he connected the dots straight away.

"I'm glad she had you that day," Olivia said unexpectedly and Fin looked up long enough to meet her eyes. "When we had the fight and she left the precinct, I mean. I know you were worried she was going to do something stupid. I didn't know about her addiction back then. I'm happy you were there for her when she needed a friend. I never said thanks for that."

"We're good," Fin reassured her. "She needed someone to listen' to her and that's what I did. I was about ready to kick her ass but she decided to get herself shot." He grinned. "Didn't seem fair after that."

They pulled up outside the bar after about fifteen minutes and Fin found a spot right across from the entrance. With it being early in the day, the bar was closed and the car park abandoned. It wasn't the first time they'd spend hours watching a place and he offered to get them some coffee. Olivia welcomed the sudden loneliness. She liked Fin and she respected him a lot but it was easier to be alone with her thoughts than it was to share them with someone. She couldn't tell anyone what really happened last night. Only Alex knew the true extend of things and even that wasn't exactly the truth.

She leant back in her seat and folded her hands behind her head. It was going to be a long day and an even longer night if they were going to wait for Amanda, hoping she would show. There was no guarantee. Olivia's eyes were peeled on the bar's entrance and the flickering Budweiser sign behind the window. She'd never been to this place before. She heaved a sigh as the unexpected late summer rain began to rattle down onto the roof of the car. August was coming to its end and September was almost here. Soon the trees in Central Park would change into shades of red, brown and yellow, ready for fall. The rain would become more frequently but Olivia doubted the water would ever be able to wash away the stains this case would leave behind.

~()~

Amanda stared at herself in the mirror. She had a split lip and her nose was swollen and red. She could just about stand to touch it and she was convinced it was broken. Dried blood clung to the cut across her lip and large, dark purple bruises had formed across her left cheek and just below her right eye. Her hair was wet and stuck to her face. She'd washed most of the blood off her face earlier but the pain was burning beneath her skin and she kept trying to cool herself but it was useless.

She couldn't describe how she felt. Fired up, like the adrenaline continued to pump around her blood. It was as if someone had slipped her a drug and she couldn't stop the thoughts from running through her head. Her pupils had dilated so much that they almost completely swallowed up the blue of her eyes. Her sweater was covered in blood. She'd kicked off her sneakers as soon as she got back to Gina's apartment. The bathroom tiles felt cold beneath her feet.

"Diana?"

She recognised Lori's voice on the other side of the door and Amanda switched off the taps. "Just a minute!"

"You ok?"

"Nose is still bleeding. I hope Gina's got another towel because she'll want to throw this one away," Amanda answered as she unlocked the door to let Lori in. She pulled a face when their gazes locked.

"You impressed me today," Lori said as she leant against the sink and watched how Amanda carefully touched her swollen lip. The way her eyes trailed over Amanda's slender frame hinted that she was seeing a product, not a human being. "If you didn't have a score to settle outside, I'd be more inclined to let you fight for Julia then send you out onto the streets."

"How many girls you got fightin'?" Amanda asked as she dropped the wet towel to the floor and brushed her hair out of her face. She wasn't able to do anything about her injuries anyway; there was no point in trying. She met Lori's eyes in the mirror and managed to smile. "Maybe after I get my payback, I'll consider it."

"Julia will be glad," Lori answered. "I have four girls fighting with her and two more in a different place Julia doesn't know about. I make sure my girls don't ever fight each other. Sisters can't fight sisters." She cocked her head. "You serious about wanting to fight? I saw how you held yourself out there. Sam is Julia's best fighter. You knocked her about a bit."

She had to potential of bringing down the racist gang as well as two illegal fight clubs the Gang Unit didn't even know about. Amanda nodded. "After tonight, I'll do whatever you want. I wouldn't have had this opportunity if it weren't for you." The southern lilt in her voice grew stronger as the anger coiled in her stomach. "I want to nail that bitch."

"You will," Lori smiled. "You text your ex yet, saying you wanna meet her and that new whore of hers?"

Amanda grinned. "Can't believe she was stupid enough to fall for it. Like I would actually want to talk to either one of them."

Lori let her eyes trail over Amanda's injuries. She'd seen worse on her girls but to see the marks on Amanda's face was like a silent promise that she would be there, that she was going to be one of her fighters. This girl was going to make her a lot of money.

~()~

Olivia's cell phone vibrated in her lap and Amaro's name flashed across the screen. Fin had just gotten back in the car and she had accepted the coffee with a smile. Now she picked her cell, slid her finger across the screen and answered. She heard traffic in the background and guessed he had left his car. "What's up, Nick?"

"Three women went into the building Morales said the GPS signal came from about fifteen minutes ago. All blonde. One had her face covered with a towel, looked like she was bleeding. I couldn't see her face but the physical description matches Rollins."

Olivia sat up with a jolt. "You sure?"

"Not completely but the women look like the ones Malcolm described. Has he sent you the pictures yet?"

"Ass is probably dragging his feet. Doesn't want us butting in on his case," Olivia groaned. "Stay outside the building. If it is Amanda, I don't want her seeing you. She knows we got her message and she knows we'll be watching. We need to make sure we don't move until she's ready for us to move."

"They pulled up in this SUV," Nick said. "Munch is watching the building. I'm checking out the car. Licence plate check should be easy enough. Camera phones are a great invention. I'll call you back."

"Thanks Nick," Olivia replied and hung up. She turned to look at Fin who was watching her in expectation. "Three women went into the apartment building. One of them could be Amanda. Amaro said he couldn't see because she was covering her face with a towel. Reckons she's bleeding. He's checking out the car. Should give us a hit on the owner."

She had barely said it when her phone vibrated again, this time with a text message. It was from Amaro. He'd attached a picture of the licence plate as well as the information that went with it. She glanced at it and looked back up at Fin. "SUV belongs to a Lori McKenzie, aged 34. Address puts her somewhere on the Upper East Side. Clearly this isn't her apartment."

Fin called Cragen and gave him the details. A patrol car would be sent to sit outside Lori McKenzie's home, in case she came back. The officers were instructed to not approach her, in whatever situation, and to contact at SVU the second Lori was sighted. Olivia somehow suspected the patrol officers were not going to see Lori at all that day. Her gut instinct told her that whatever was going to happen, didn't involve her going home.

Olivia looked at Fin. "Call Cragen again. Ask him to run all the names of the people living in this building. Look out for single, white females, most likely blonde." She cocked her head when Fin looked at her but he seemed to understand what she was trying to do. "By the time we've got a possible match, Malcolm should have brought us the pictures. We can compare them then."

"You think she's allright?" Fin asked as he picked his cell phone back up.

"Amaro said it looked like she was bleeding," Olivia sighed and ran her fingers through her hair. "We can only hope she's fine."

The hours passed without anything happening. Olivia and Fin talked about the case for a while but after a couple of hours the conversation between them died down and Olivia fell prisoner to her own thoughts. She could still feel Amanda's hands on her. She'd struggled to separate the lust and desire last night's events had provoked in her from the torment and pain it had caused. She wanted to talk to Amanda, understand what she'd felt but at the same time she knew she could only do that if she admitted that Amanda had done the one thing Olivia had never believed her capable off: she'd hurt her.

Her fingers subconsciously brushed along the turtle neck hiding her bruises and she looked down at the long sleeves covering her wrists. Every so often the fabric had slid back, revealing the dark purple finger marks, and she'd pulled them back down, embarrassed and frightened Fin would see them. If he had, he had been understanding enough not to ask. She wondered if he had, if he knew. She didn't dare ask. She didn't want him to think of Amanda any differently than he had until now.

She jumped when she felt her cell phone vibrate and glanced at the caller ID screen only to realise that it was the estate agent, Catherine. She apologetically looked at Fin before answering. "Hello?"

"Olivia?" Catherine asked and Olivia confirmed her name. "Is this a bad time?"

Any moment right now was a bad time but she knew it wasn't right to dump that on Catherine. Olivia composed herself. "No, it's quite allright. Is something wrong?"

"Actually, things have moved a lot quicker than I expected them to," Catherine said. "You called me last night with an offer for the house." She left a pause and Olivia's mind snapped back to the events of the previous night. She'd made the call several hours before Amanda arrived at her apartment. "I had a call from the owner fifteen minutes ago. They accepted your offer."

"What?" Olivia breathed and her heart missed a beat. "They accepted?"

"Yes," Catherine answered and Olivia could hear the smile in her voice. "I got an email from their lawyer and they are ready to start the paperwork. I called to see when you're available?"

Olivia rubbed the back of her head. She hadn't expected things to move this fast. In fact, she had not accepted her first offer to be accepted. She'd offered nearly twenty thousand dollars below the asking price, after discussing the details with Alex. It had been her idea to go in low and allow herself some space to play with. The fact that the current owner had accepted her offer was surprising.

"I am afraid I am completely unavailable for the next two days but I could meet you on Friday?"

"Friday's fine. We can meet at my office at one pm, if that's allright with you?" Catherine asked. "I'll text you the address. If anything comes up, just let me know and we'll rearrange it for a more convenient time."

Olivia hung up and looked at Fin.

"What was that?" he asked.

"That was Catherine, the estate agent I saw a few days ago," she answered and glanced out of the window at the wet, shiny streets outside.

It had stopped raining but the skies were grey and dreary, It was as if the world shared her sadness and hear fear and the weather reflected it. This was supposed to be a happy and exciting moment but she didn't feel it. Not now that she didn't have Amanda to share it with. She looked down into her lap. The absence of the golden ring around her finger reminded her of the promise she had made to Amanda a little over eight months ago. She had no intentions of breaking that promise, no matter what came onto their paths. She just wanted Amanda to come home.

"What did she want?" Fin asked, sensing the change in Olivia's behaviour.

Olivia heaved a sigh. "She told me that the offer I put in was accepted. Amanda and I just bought a house."

She only hoped they were going to get a chance to be living the life she had dreamt for them to start.


	15. Chapter 15

**Author's note:** Hey guys, sorry for the delay! I've been away for a few days, staying with my family back home in Holland. I'm back in the UK now and started writing straight away. It's SVU Wednesday which means my Rolivia heart is beating twice as fast as normal. Here's another chapter for you and things are really coming to a head in this one. I have grown really fond of the idea of Amanda going undercover and seeing her darker side – even if it is a horrible one. I hope the show will explore this someday. You know, something like "Undercover" with Amanda but not having her be the victim, making her the attacker instead. Someone really needs to talk to Warren Leight!

* * *

**Chapter 15**

_I've been looking in the mirror for so long._  
_ That I've come to believe my soul's on the other side._  
_ All the little pieces falling, shatter._  
_ Shards of me,_  
_ Too sharp to put back together._  
_~Evanescence - Breath No More**  
**_

Darkness descended on New York and the shadows brought out those who did not dare face the light of day. The streets of the city changed after the sun set behind the horizon and Amanda's eyes needed a moment to adapt to the sudden darkness when she emerged from the apartment building. The pain in her face had subsided after Gina had given her some ibuprofen and a bag of ice. She sported a few unsightly bruises and the split lip didn't add to the appearance. She pushed her hands into the pocket of her jeans and huddled a little deeper into the white hoodie she was wearing. She'd pulled the hood over her hair and part of her face. Before crossing the street she glanced left and right and felt her heart skip when she recognised the car parked about fifteen yards away.

It's headlights suddenly went on and briefly caught her in their beam. The brightness blinded her and she raised her hands to shield her eyes but lowered it enough for the person inside the car to recognise her face. She didn't recognise the dark figures inside the vehicle. All she could see was that there were two. She turned around, away from the car, and sprinted across the street before disappearing into a dark alley.

Amaro's hand shot down to his cell phone. Olivia answered before the first dial tone had even rung out. "She's on the move."

"You sure it's her?" the veteran detective asked.

Amaro glanced at Munch, who was on the phone to Cragen. The plan was in motion and they couldn't afford to waste a second. "We got her in our headlights, Liv. She looked right at us. It was Rollins."

"OK," Olivia breathed on the other side of the line and Amaro could hear the hint of nervousness in her voice. He knew what was at stake tonight. They were not just trying to bring a detective home, they were trying to bring a loved one home. "Try and follow of her. If you lose her, you know where to meet us. Did Munch call Melinda?"

"She should be joining you shortly," Munch said when Amaro gave him a questioning look. "Cap's driving her down as we speak."

"A car's leaving. Looks like the SUV," Amaro said suddenly and his eyes were drawn back to the apartment's parking lot. "I can see one person driving. Blonde female, mid-thirties."

"That's got to be Lori," Olivia suggested. "They must be moving separately so they don't draw attention to themselves or stand out. There's a subway station around the corner from where you are and another a block away from the bar. Amanda must be taking the train if she's not in the car."

"We'll take the car," Amaro said and started the engine. He hung up without waiting for Olivia's reply and quickly turned the car around. He saw the SUV about three cars in front of them and he glanced at Munch, who was looking back at him. Both detectives were tense. Amaro heaved a sigh and tried to break the tension. "If you could guarantee me this is going to end well, now would be the right time to do it."

Munch's features didn't soften. "I can't." He glanced out of the window. New York City was flashing by outside. "Because I don't know that it will."

~()~

Olivia got out of the car when she recognised Cragen and Melinda walking towards her and Fin. They'd been parked in front of the bar for hours. The joint had opened only two hours ago but a steady flow of men and women had come and gone since then. To any other it looked like an ordinary night but it wasn't. Apart from the guy behind the bar, none of the people inside were civilians. Every single one of the men and women inside were cops. When the severity of the situation became clear, Cragen went over Malcolm's head and set up his own sting, borrowing officers from Narcotics, Vice and the Gang Unit. The men and women had been called in for the night and when they were briefed on Amanda's situation, not one had refused to offer their services. Medical Examiner Melinda Warner was in the middle of it all.

In the last hour they had finally received the pictures of the women they were looking out for, with Lori McKenzie their prime suspect. Olivia had stared at the woman's face for minutes, struck by how normal she looked. Nothing about Lori's appearance suggested any form of violence resided within her but at the same time this woman, this monster, was responsible for the attacks across the city and she had lured Amanda into her trap.

"You OK?" Olivia asked when she reached Cragen and Melinda. It wasn't the first time the medical examiner had been dragged into one of their cases but this was the first time that she was the prime target. Olivia couldn't help but feel guilty. Their eyes found each other. "Melinda, I'm so sorry about all of this."

"Don't be," Melinda smiled and she briefly took Olivia's hand into her own and squeezed it. "I keep saying I need a reason to get out more."

Olivia arched an eyebrow. "Not sure if being the victim of a violent attack is exactly what you had in mind though."

Cragen glanced from the brunette detective to the medical examiner and back. "Any sign of Rollins?"

"Amaro called ten minutes ago. He saw her head for the subway station. At best that means she's another fifteen minutes away," Olivia filled him in and as she said it her eyes scanned the streets. If they had read Amanda's message right, this was the place but she didn't want Amanda to walk in on them setting themselves up. The risk of her cover being blown was too great. "At least one of the others is moving by car. Munch and Amaro are tailing her."

"Time to get moving," Cragen said and glanced at his watch. He put his hand on Melinda's lower back with the intention of pushing her across the street but stalled when he noticed Olivia following them. "Where do you think you're going, detective?"

"Amanda told Lori that I dumped her for Melinda," Olivia said and the agitation in her voice was obvious. "I need to be in there with her."

"No, you don't," Cragen countered. "Amanda is looking for a moment where she can target Melinda alone. She will not strike if you're around. None of them will." He sensed Olivia was about to object but he cut her off. Intense, dark eyes met those of his detective. "Stay here, Liv. I know you want in on this but I can't let you risk this operation. You have to stay out here."

Olivia swallowed her objections and hung her head in defeat. "I understand."

She watched her captain and the medical examiner cross the street and Cragen held the door for Melinda. When they'd disappeared into the bar Olivia turned around and started walking back to the car. She was about to reach for the door when she felt an uncomfortable shiver trail down her spine ad turned around. From the other end of the road a lone figure appeared, dressed in a white hooded top and worn out jeans. It was as if for a moment the whole world just stopped when they stared at each other.

"Amanda," Olivia whispered when she recognised her girlfriend. The yellow gloom of the street light was bright enough to show the bruises across her lover's face. She had to fight every cell in her body that screamed for her to run towards Amanda, wrap her arms around her and drag her away from this mess. She knew she had to turn around and get back in the car, pretend she didn't see her. Olivia's heart ached at the sight of the bruises that desecrated Amanda's face and even with the distance between them she could see the pain in those blue eyes.

Olivia bit her lip and climbed back into the car. When she slammed the door she covered her face in her hands and she hoped, prayed, that Fin didn't ask her if she was alright. He didn't. He didn't even look at her, knowing that her display of hurt and pain wasn't something she wanted the rest of the world to know. He felt her hurt but he knew that Olivia wanted to carry this burden alone. He understood her need to feel strong, to keep fighting. They both understood that if he tried to comfort her she would crumble in his hands.

Amanda stared at the car she'd just seen Olivia get into. Her heart beat loudly against her ribcage, the only reminder that she was in fact alive. She felt empty and numb inside. Not until now did she know that her message had reached Olivia and that she had understood it. She knew she was no longer alone and yet felt she lonelier than she had ever done before. The weight of the world crushed down on her fragile shoulders and she wasn't sure she could carry the weight for much longer. She was about to fall apart.

With her hands pushed deeply into her pockets, Amanda walked towards the bar. From across the road, a set of headlights appeared and she squinted as they momentarily blinded her. The SUV parked not far from Olivia's car and from behind the darkened glass the detective watched how another woman slid out of the passenger's seat. She was wearing a hooded top and jeans and carried a rug sack. She reached Amanda and kissed her on her cheek, sending Olivia's body into an unexpected rage.

"Don't let them get to you," Fin whispered warningly and finally his eyes met Olivia's. The fire he saw flickering in those dark brown orbs alarmed him and he reached for the automatic door locks. The soft pop reminded them where they were and what they were here for. "We're this close. If they see us, Amanda won't make it out alive."

"I know," Olivia breathed and swallowed the hard lump in her throat away. "I know."

They watched how the SUV started moving again and disappeared into a narrow alley between the bar and a small Chinese take away. For one last second the bright headlights captured the two hooded figured on the sidewalk and then they went off. The world was swallowed back up in darkness and Olivia had to really strain her eyes to see Amanda standing outside the bar. The red gloom of the Budweiser logo reflected off her shirt and she seemed to be talking to her companion.

"You wanna go in?" Gina asked and pointed at the door.

Amanda glanced at the door. It was the only thing that separated her from back-up. "What if she's in there? I can't drag her out by her hair."

"Go in, see if the bitch is there," Gina suggested. "If she is, go back out and let me know. We'll wait for her."

Amanda nodded and pushed against the door. The familiar scent of the bar overwhelmed her before she even got through the second door. Stale sweat and beer as well as the vague hint of cigarettes. Someone had been smoking inside even if the law forbade them to. With a deep sigh Amanda pressed against the second door and stepped into the bar. The music was playing loudly and three men were playing pool in the corner. Voices filled her ears and her blue eyes darted around the room. Some of the faces were familiar and she immediately added the pieces together. A room full of cops.

She felt her throat become dry when she recognised Cragen leaning against the jukebox in the other corner, sipping from what she assumed was a coke. He met her eyes in the mirror above his head and she felt reassured by his presence. No one had abandoned her. She wasn't alone. No matter how scared she was or what she had done, they were all here to back her up. She tore her eyes away from her captain and searched the room. Melinda was sitting at the bar, her index finger following the shape of the glass containing a gin and tonic. Her back was turned towards Amanda but she looked up when the guy behind the bar nudged her. Their gazes locked and she gasped when she saw the bruises across Amanda's face.

Amanda wanted to say something but knew she couldn't. All the emotions she had been forced to suppress came to live in the pit of her stomach and she turned around. Without speaking a word she left the bar and stepped back out into the cool, crisp air. Gina leant against the wall, her angry features illuminated by the Budweiser logo.

"Well?"

"She's in there."

"Did she see you?"

Amanda nodded. "She did."

Gina's eyes narrowed. "Is she going to come out?"

"Eventually." Amanda looked back at the door.

Inside the car, Olivia jumped when she felt her cell phone vibrate and answered. "Yes Captain?"

"Where's Rollins?"

Olivia followed Amanda with her eyes. The hunched shoulders suggested that her girlfriend felt uncomfortable. "Outside with the other woman. Looks like they're about to go into the alley. There's a car parked in there. A third woman's inside."

Cragen's next words were what she had been waiting for but to hear them spoken out loud only increased the fear she felt in her heart. "We're going to send Melinda out."

Olivia hung up and glanced at Fin. His fingers clutched the wheel of the car so tightly that his knuckled had turned white. Her hand rested on his arm and she watched how the grip relaxed. Grateful eyes found hers and she swallowed hard. The butterflies in her stomach were going crazy and she couldn't remember ever having been this scared or nervous. "Time to get the party started."

Amanda walked into the dark alley and scanned her surroundings. Three large dumpsters provided plenty of shelter and the possibility to get rid of evidence before anyone saw them. They could flee on both sides, with the alley's opposite side leading into the street running parallel to this one. Only one weak lamp hung over their heads and it flickered more than anything else, surrounding them in shadows. The sound of her footsteps sounded hollow as it bounced of the barren walls.

"Diana?!" She froze when she recognised Melinda's voice calling her. Hearing the medical examiner use her undercover name sent a shiver down her spine. "Hey, you said you wanted to talk!"

"Go get her," Gina hissed as she hid herself between two of the dumpsters.

Amanda glanced over her shoulder at the car parked behind her. You'd have to walk into the alley rather far to even see it and she doubted Melinda would. She straightened her spine and lowered her hood before walking towards the sound of Melinda's voice. The dark haired woman was standing just outside the alley and turned around when she heard Amanda behind her. She jumped when she realised the detective had approached her so closely she could practically feel her breath against her skin.

Amanda's eyes hardened and she flashed a false smile. "Hi."

"What happened to you?" Melinda asked, momentarily slipping out of her role. The worry in her eyes was genuine.

"Walked into a door," Amanda lied. Her voice was cold and distant. "I wanna talk to you."

Melinda folded her arms across her chest and gave Amanda a once over. "Then talk."

"Not here," Amanda said and pointed towards the alley. "I don't want the whole friggin' world to hear what I have to say to ya." She turned around and listened for Melinda's footsteps behind her. Once she was sure the other woman was following her she pulled her hood back up and started walking towards the dumpsters. A soft shuffle betrayed Gina moving around in the shadows and the sound made the hair in the back of Amanda's neck rise up.

"I haven't got anything to say to you," Melinda said unexpectedly, cutting the silence between them. Slowly Amanda turned around and their gazes locked. "So if you have something to say, I suggest you just say it."

"You stole my woman, you stole my house and now you go stand here and tell me you ain't got nothin' to say to me?" Amanda hissed and set her jaw. The anger in her eyes was raging and she took a step towards Melinda. "You are nothin' but a filthy black whore and when Olivia gets tired of you, she'll come runnin' back to me, just like she always does."

Melinda blinked against the venomous words but remembered Cragen's warning about Amanda's harsh language. "From what I heard, she left you because you're no good anyway." She cocked her head. "If you knew how to please a woman…"

Amanda's fist made contact with Melinda's jaw and the impact of the punch sent the dark haired woman backwards. The anger suddenly raced through her veins and she felt it polluting her heart and her brain. Amanda was panting as she looked down at Melinda now looking at her feet. From behind her, Gina appeared and she handed Amanda the metal bar. The blonde rolled it through her hands before dropping to her knees beside the now shaking medical examiner and forced her to roll over onto her stomach. She grinned as she hooked her hands behind the waistband of Melinda's jeans.

"I'll show you how to please a woman," she breathed into Melinda's ear and yanked the older woman's head back with such force that tears sprung into Melinda's eyes. "I'll fuckin' show you!"

"Please," she uttered when she felt Amanda's hand slide underneath her shirt, caressing the glowing flesh across her back. "Please, don't do this..."

"Shut up!" Amanda hissed and slammed Melinda's head back down. It bounced off the pavement and Melinda howled in pain as the blood began to pour down her face. Her body seized up when Amanda's foot made contact with her stomach and she rolled up onto her side, curling up into the foetal position. The blows of Amanda's kicks into her backs were excruciating and through the tears and blood streaming down her face Melinda managed to look at the blonde detective. She was no longer alone. Gina had appeared alongside her and her fists pounded down on Melinda's head.

"POLICE! KEEP YOUR HANDS WHERE I CAN SEE THEM! NOW!"

Suddenly the night was alive with lights and voices. People were screaming and shouting and the sound of footsteps rushing towards them broke through the silence. Amanda's head whipped around and she staggered away from Melinda's body at her feet. The headlights of Lori's SVU ignited and in the bright beam she recognised the group of cops walking towards them, guns drawn. Even in the darkness she managed to recognise Cragen and Amaro. Their cop badges hung around their necks.

"DROP YOUR WEAPON!" Cragen called.

The metal bar slipped from her fingers and the sound of it landing on the street echoed through the night like a gunshot. The adrenaline in her body was overpowering and her mind was clouded. She felt Gina's hand slide into her own and strong fingers grasped hold of her wrist. Her body responded before her mind did and it blocked out of the screaming voices, telling her not to move. She turned on her heel and her body came into motion. The world changed into a distant blur as she started rubbing. All she felt was the blood rushing in her ears and the pain in her chest as her lungs were pressed against her sternum and she ran. She ran as fast as she could, away from the cops behind her.

"What the hell is she doing?!" Amaro shouted as he sprinted past Melinda and gave chase. "Where the hell is she going?!"

"GET HER!" Cragen called after him and was caught off guard by a second finger sprinting past him. Before he could call Olivia back she had disappeared past the parked SUV, now surrounded by officers who were ordering Lori McKenzie out of the vehicle. The sound of her footsteps died out into the distance as she ran after Amanda, her mind spinning with questions as she wondered why Amanda hadn't turned on Gina and handed her over.

"LIV!" Amaro shouted when he became aware of the woman running after him.

"Right behind you!" she called back. "Where are they?!"

"Down here!" Amaro yelled and took a left turn. They were running down a quiet street, with cars parked on either side. He was tired and his chest ached but he knew he couldn't give up. He had to bring Amanda home, he had to bring her back to Olivia.

"I got them!" Olivia cried unexpectedly and Amaro spun around to find her running in the opposite direction. She disappeared down a one -way street between two buildings that eventually led to a brick wall. He chased after her but by the time he reached her he found that she had already pinned Gina up against the wall. Blood poured from the other woman's nose and Olivia's face so close to Gina's that she could have kissed her, were it not for the hatred in her eyes.

"This one's yours," she grunted as she shoved Gina into Amaro's hands. The handcuffs cut into Gina's wrists but Olivia didn't care. "Where's your little friend?" Even now she couldn't blow Amanda's cover. Not until she got her back, not until she knew she was safe. She grabbed hold of Gina's jaw, forcing her to look at her. "Where _is _she?!"

Before Gina could answer, Olivia heard something behind her. A slender figure merged from behind a dumpster and she recognised Amanda immediately. Olivia gave chase. She felt like she was flying as she was closing in on Amanda. She didn't understand why she continued to run. She didn't have to run anymore. There was no need to hide. Olivia pushed herself that little bit further, ignoring the burning in her legs and the fire in her chest, and she extended her hand. Her fingers closed around Amanda's arm and she swung her around mid-stride, forcing her against a car. With one solid move she forced the blonde's legs apart with her own and pressed her down against the hood.

Before she could do anything however, Amanda turned around and took a swing at her. Blazing blue eyes met brown and Olivia stared at her girlfriend in shock. This wasn't the Amanda she knew. She didn't know who this woman was but this was not the woman she loved. She grasped Amanda's hand before she could take another swing and slammed her back against the car. Amanda resisted and swore under her breath as Olivia slammed the second set of cuffs she kept as a spare on her.

Once cuffed, Olivia turned Amanda around and desperate brown eyes searched her bruised and beaten face. She wasn't sure whether to feel relieved, angry or sad. Amanda stared back at her with empty eyes and Olivia felt the burning tears chase down her cheek.

"It's over, Amanda," she whispered as she tried to cup her girlfriend's cheek but Amanda turned away from her. "It's over."

"No, it's not," Amanda said sharply and her cold, dead eyes looked back up at Olivia. "It's only just begun."


	16. Chapter 16

**Author's note: **Thank you all for the awesome reviews, folks! They really made my evening/day! The reactions from you guys tell me that this story is going down well. I write to entertain and to make my readers happy. I hope you'll enjoy the next chapter and, I'll make you even happier, there will be another sequel after this story called Heart of Gold. After the drama of Heart of Glass and Heart of Stone, the third part of the "Heart" saga as I've started to call them will be of a way happier note. Fluff all around!**  
**

* * *

**Chapter 16**

_If love is a blank dart, _  
_ Shot from a heart-shaped gun, _  
_ It only hurts you_  
_ When you try to turn and run._  
_~Colbie Caillat - Bullet Proof Vest**  
**_

She had never known interrogation rooms could feel this small. The walls were closing in on her and the soft buzzing of the lights above her head was driving her insane. She was feeling hot and cold at the same time and her finger nails scraped across the metal surface of the table now that she stopped pacing. She'd been walking around in this room for what felt like hours. The little window provided no view into the world outside. The yellow streetlight outside the building cast strange shadows onto the walls. Amada Rollins paced like a caged tiger, her eyes drawn to the mirror every so often. She knew they were watching her. Even if she couldn't see them, she could feel their eyes.

Olivia leant against the window, her fingers following the stains across the glass. She'd been watching Amanda for the past fifteen minutes. In the harsh, unforgiving light of the interrogation room she could see the true extent of the bruises across her face. She looked awful and it pained her to see her like this. All she wanted was to get in there with her, hold her, and kiss her, promise her it would be allright. But she didn't know that it would. She didn't know where they were and how they were going to move on from here.

George Huang stood next to her. He had been observing Amanda but now his eyes had fixed on Olivia. The deep lines around her eyes betrayed the lack of sleep. The veteran detective looked tired and worn out and George felt her anguish.

"So what's wrong with her?" Olivia asked when she felt the psychiatrist looking at her. She turned to meet his gaze and he wasn't surprised to see the defiance in her eyes. Olivia's first instinct was to protect Amanda. She was a lioness protecting the woman that she loved. "Is it Stockholm? PTSD?"

"Amanda wasn't attacked but she was forced to witness some horrible crimes committed against other people," Huang explained. "In a way, she has been abused in the same way the victims have. Malcolm sent her in without the proper guidance and preparation and he underestimated the impact and surroundings would have on her mental state. Stockholm syndrome has been known to develop as soon as one or two days after a perpetrator and victim come across each other."

Olivia took a ragged breath. She had come across cases of Stockholm syndrome before where victims defended their attackers after spending time with them for a longer duration of time. She'd never been able to understand how something like that was possible but over time she'd learnt that it did happen. Perhaps it was another coping mechanism.

"So she identified with the rest of the gang?"

"Stockholm syndrome can be seen as a form of traumatic bonding, which does not necessarily require a hostage scenario, but it involves strong emotional ties that develop between two persons where one person intermittently harasses, beats, threatens, abuses, or intimidates the other," Huang explained and he looked back at Amanda pacing inside the room. She was clenching and unclenching her fists. The adrenaline still pumped around in her body but it had nowhere to go. He tore his eyes away from the damaged detective and looked back at Olivia. "How's Melinda?"

"Still in the ER but she's going to be fine. Fin and Nick are with her. She's going to need a couple of stitches but the protective gear underneath clothes took most of the blows," Olivia answered. Her voice was hollow. "I never should have let her go out there."

"You didn't have a choice, Liv," Huang argued. "You needed someone you could trust. Melinda was your best bet."

Olivia shook her head. "I want to talk to Amanda."

"Captain said he wants to hold off till one of the others gets back," Huang said. "Malcolm wants to debrief her."

"Malcolm can kiss my ass!" Olivia snarled. "Does he have idea what he put her through?" She pointed at the window, anger blazing in her eyes. "He did this to her!"

"Good to know how you feel, Detective Benson."

She turned around when she recognised Malcolm's voice and if it hadn't been for Huang's protective hand on her arm, she would have pinned that smug son of a bitch up against the wall. Even now, in a time where they were all worried about Amanda, his face was still emotionless but Olivia detected a hint of pride in his voice. He had solved his case and would get a nice pat on the back from One PP whereas Amanda would be left to suffer the consequences of his actions.

"Can I talk to her?" Malcolm asked as he approached the window. Olivia stepped in his way and shook her head.

"No." Alex walked into the hallway and her blue eyes snapped from Olivia to Huang and eventually to Malcolm. "Lieutenant Malcolm, you do not get to talk to Detective Amanda Rollins until she has been considered fit for interrogation." Her eyes darkened behind her glasses as she saw the lieutenant prepare a counter argument but she cut him off. "I suggest you take it up with Captain Cragen. Detective Rollins is not under arrest and therefore doesn't need to have an attorney present but he suggested I keep an eye on this anyway."

"You're a prosecutor," Malcolm interjected. "You don't get to defend her!"

"I am a friend," Alex interrupted him and folded her arms across her chest. Olivia felt a surge of warm pride in her chest when she heard those words. When it came to defending her territory, Alex was as protective and aggressive as Olivia was. The blonde attorney took a step closer to Malcolm, signalling that she wasn't afraid or impressed. "And I went to the same law school those prosecutors did so would you mind not telling me how to do my job?"

Malcolm blinked at Alex's unexpected show down and took a step back. The blonde flashed a smile that would make milk turn sour and turned to Olivia. "Cragen says you can go in."

"What?" Olivia asked in surprise. "Ten minutes ago he was moving heaven and earth to keep me out of there!"

"He thinks she can relate to you, Liv. You have shared something for the past eight months, something that could bring her back to where we want her to be," Alex said and looked at Huang. He nodded. "She needs someone to see her, to listen to her. There is nobody better than you to do that."

"She may reject you at first. Give her time. She went through a horrible ordeal and she hasn't had time to process all those images and emotions," Huang explained. "She's angry. She looks like she hasn't slept for a few days. She'll be agitated and may struggle to make sense of her own world. She's in pain, even if the surge of adrenaline in her blood is stopping her from actually feeling it. At some point that will wear off and she'll feel the pain. It is important to make her feel safe."

"In there?" Olivia asked and pointed at the interrogation room. "No one's gonna feel safe in there!"

"She's not under arrest," Alex said casually. "Take her home."

"Miss Cabot, this seems highly inappropriate!" Malcolm objected and he gestured at the blonde woman behind the glass. Amanda had finally sunk down in the chair and now covered her head with her arms. "She needs to be debriefed. Her information is important!"

"She won't be giving you information in the state she's in!" Alex snapped and the anger ignited in her blue eyes. "Do I need to remind you that it was your investigation that put her into this state in the first place? You're the one who lost contact with your undercover agent, Lieutenant! If Detective Benson wants to take Detective Rollins home, she can. This goes over your head and I swear to God that if you're making this a problem, I'll have One PP kick your ass so hard they'll find you floating in the Hudson."

Olivia didn't wait to hear Malcolm's reaction. She reached for the door handle and registered how the metal felt cold inside the palm of her hand. She turned the knob and stepped into the room. Almost immediately Amanda's head snapped up and blood shot, weary eyes darted towards Olivia. She recognised the fight or flight immediately and she softly closed the door behind her. She didn't walk to the table immediately, allowing Amanda to get used to her presence in the room. Everything inside of her screamed that she wanted to wrap her arms around her and pull her close but she knew she had to wait. Amanda had to accept her in first before she could move any closer.

"Hey," Olivia said softly and took a tentative step towards the table. Amanda jumped out of her chair and started pacing again. The sight of the broken and destroyed blonde made Olivia's heart shatter in her chest. "Amanda, honey?"

"Don't come any closer!" Amanda said and turned away from Olivia. "I don't want you to come any closer, Liv."

"Ok, I'll stay right here," Olivia said and leant against the table. "I'm sorry I kept you in here so long. You wanna go home?"

Amanda looked up. The dark rings around her eyes were only accentuated by the purple bruises across her face. Dried blood clung to her lip where the wound had split open again. The weariness in those baby blue eyes began to subside as Olivia's question registered. "Home?"

"I can take you home," Olivia whispered. She slowly extended her hand. Amanda stood at the other end of the table and the older woman felt her chest relax when the fingers of Amanda's hand brushed along the inside of her palm. The touch was familiar and comforting and she looked up to meet Amanda's eyes. The connection between slowly started rebuilding itself and Olivia took another step closer. Amanda didn't back away.

"Do you want to go home?"

"Yes," Amanda whispered. "With you."

"Ok," Olivia smiled. The tears glistened in her eyes. "Let's go home."

With Amanda's hand safely in her own, Olivia started for the door. Amanda followed her and stepped out of the interrogation room and into the corridor. The sound of the door closing made her jump and her eyes flashed across the faces of the people standing outside. Huang smiled when their gazes locked and Alex just nodded. Huang leant in to the blonde attorney.

"Ride with them. I'm sure Olivia can handle herself but it wouldn't' hurt to have someone else there."

Alex gave a quick nod and followed the two detectives down the corridor. Malcolm was forced to watch them disappear.

Once outside the precinct building, Olivia's lungs eagerly expended with fresh air. She looked at Amanda and found the blonde looking around the streets in curiosity, as if the saw the world for the first time. She slipped a protective arm around her girlfriend's shoulders and a smile spread across her lips when Amanda rested her head against Olivia's body. She slipped her own arm around Olivia's waist but didn't speak. Silence said more than a thousand words ever could.

"Alex?" Olivia asked just as the blonde was about to slip into the driver's seat of her car. "Did Cragen really tell you this was OK?"

Alex looked at Olivia over the rim of her glasses and a smile tugged at her cheeks. "Of course he did."

Olivia didn't ask again and climbed into the back seat of Alex car. Before they drove off she leant across to the driver's seat. "Take us to Queens."

"Queens? Why?" Alex's eyes met Olivia's in the rear view mirror.

"I want to take her home." Olivia leant back. "Our home."

Alex started the car and drove away from the precinct. She glanced into the rear view mirror and saw Olivia sitting behind her. Amanda's head was resting against Olivia's shoulder and it wasn't until Olivia covered her lips with her finger that she realised Amanda was asleep. She smiled. The blonde detective finally felt safe enough to close her eyes and escape the demons of the world she had been sent into.

Olivia's fingers absentmindedly ran through Amanda's blonde hair. She was happy to have her back. To just feel her again, to know that she was there, filled her heart with joy. At the same time however she was scared. She remembered what working undercover had done to her all those years ago and she worried the same would happen to Amanda. She vowed to herself that she wasn't going to let it that to that stage, If Amanda needed help, she would be there for her. She wasn't going to let Amanda deal with this alone in the same way she had tried to deal with her own trauma alone. They were together.

About half an hour later Alex parked her car outside the house she and Olivia had viewed a couple of days earlier. As she turned off the engine, Amanda's eyes fluttered open and she sat up with a jolt. Olivia immediately reached for her, comforting her, and the initial fear in her eyes subsided.

"Where are we?" she asked.

"I'll show you," Olivia whispered and she took Amanda's hand as she led her out of the car. Together they walked up to the fence and the brunette opened the gate. With Amanda's hand securely in her own, Olivia started up the path until they reached the porch. There she turned around and smiled. "You said you wanted to go home. This is our home now."

Amanda looked at the house. Her eyes were wide open as she took in the sight in front of her. She didn't speak. She couldn't. Any word she tried to form died on the tip of her tongue. The house was beautiful. Even more beautiful than the pictures Olivia had sent her. She had only lived in a house once, as a little girl, back in Atlanta. Ever since then she always lived in apartments. But now she had a house. A home.

"I don't have the key yet so I can't take you inside," Olivia said softly and rubbed the back of Amanda's hand. "Do you like it?"

"I love it," she whispered and turned to the older woman. "Why do you want to live here with me?"

Olivia blinked. "Amanda, what are you saying?"

Amanda's hand slipped out of Olivia's and she started pacing again. "After everything I did, you still want to live with me?"

"Honey, what happened to you wasn't your fault!" Olivia whispered and managed to stop Amanda from pacing by putting her hands on her shoulders. "Malcolm sent you into that world and he almost watched you drown. What you did, you had to do to survive!"

Amanda's eyes snapped up. "What kind of a monster am I, Olivia?!" The pain in her eyes was so intense that Olivia felt herself shiver. "I watched a woman being raped and I did _nothing_! NOTHING!" Tears suddenly chased down Amanda's cheeks and she swallowed, trying to get her words out. "How can you say I did what I had to do to survive when I did nothing?!"

Olivia didn't care anymore. Without warning she closed the distance between her and Amanda and wrapped her arms around her. For a few seconds Amanda resisted but Olivia wasn't going to let her go. She held her girlfriend tight and kissed her blonde hair. Slowly Amanda's body relaxed in her arms and it wasn't until Olivia realised she could hear Amanda's sobs that she felt the tears on her own cheeks. She ran her fingers through the golden locks and just held Amanda against her chest. The tears streamed down both their faces as the distance between them began to dissolve.

"It's going to be OK," Olivia whispered, her words getting lost in Amanda's hair. "We'll get through this, I promise."

"I don't know," Amanda breathed and looked up. Tears glistened on her bruised and swollen face and Olivia wiped them away. "I don't know, Liv."

"You will," Olivia reassured her. "It's what we do." She carefully leant in and felt the relief wash over her when Amanda didn't pull away from her kiss. "We survive."

They stood outside the house for a little while longer, just looking at it, before turning around and walking back to the car. Alex had been watching them but now pretended to be busy looking at her nails. Olivia appreciated what she had done tonight. She never believed for a second that it had been Cragen's idea for her to take Amanda home. She knew it was Alex's doing and she was grateful for it. She slipped back into the backseat and put on her seatbelt before looking at Amanda. She did the same.

"Where you do you want to go?" Olivia asked. "Yours or mine?"

"Mine," Amanda answered softly.

Alex started the engine again and drove away from the house. It was still dark but they were only a few hours away from dawn. Nobody had slept tonight and Alex made a mental note to reschedule her arraignment hearing. There was no way she could stand in court without having slept.

They drove back into Manhattan and she effortlessly found Amanda's apartment. She watched the two detectives get out of the car and smiled when Olivia turned back to look at her. "Thanks, Alex. For everything."

She watched the blonde drive off before following Amanda inside the building. They climbed the stairs and Amanda's hands were shaking so badly that she couldn't get the key in the lock. Olivia covered her girlfriend's hands with her own and took the key from her. She opened the door and held it so Amanda could walk inside. She followed her and locked the door behind her. Now they stood in Amanda's small kitchen and looked at each other.

"I just wanna sleep," Amanda whispered.

Quietly the two women walked across the apartment and into the bedroom. Amanda shrugged herself out of her bloodied hoody and jeans and crawled under the comforter in just her panties. Olivia stripped off too, padded around the bed and slid underneath the sheets too. She wrapped a protective arm around Amanda's waist and buried her neck in her girlfriend's hair. She smiled to herself when the steady, calm breathing betrayed that Amanda had fallen asleep. She kissed Amanda somewhere under her ear and allowed herself to drift off to sleep.

It was over. They could start to heal now.


	17. Chapter 17

**Author's note:** Hey guys, nearly there now. I am planning maybe one or two more chapters for this story before starting the next sequel. I intend to make the next one a lot happier than this one. Thanks for all your awesome and kind reviews. They've made this story extra special. Ya'll rock!

As a little gift to you all I made another Rolivia video. It's live on YouTube under the title "Olivia Benson & Amanda Rollins - Please Don't Go". My screenname is MysteriousFlower22. It is not related to this story but enjoy it all the same!

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**Chapter 17**

_If no one will listen, if you decide to speak_  
_ If no one's left standing after the bombs explode_  
_ If no one wants to look at you, for what you really are_  
_ I will be here still_  
_~Keri Noble - If No One Will Listen**  
**_

Olivia woke up when she became aware of the empty, cold space beside her. Her hand searched around the mattress, her eyes still full of sleep, and she sat up when she realised Amanda wasn't there. Bright sunlight fell into the bedroom. The curtains hadn't been drawn. Olivia's eyes darted around the room. Amanda's clothes still lay in a mess on the floor and Olivia slipped out from under the covers, picked up the tank top she'd worn under her sweater and threw it on before padding around the room.

She found Amanda in the living room, curled up on the couch with a blanket draped around her legs. She'd put on a simple grey zip up hoodie and had bound her blonde hair in a messy ponytail. She looked up when she heard Olivia walk into the room and she managed a tired smile.

"I couldn't sleep."

"Why didn't you wake me?" Olivia whispered as she climbed onto the couch beside Amanda and snaked her arms around her waist. She pulled the blonde against her chest and kissed the back of her neck. Amanda relaxed into Olivia's arms and rested her tired and aching body against Olivia's and the older woman felt the blonde ease. Olivia's soft lips continued to caress the soft skin on Amanda's neck.

"You wanna tell me why you couldn't sleep?" Olivia breathed after the silence between them lasted for several minutes. Amanda's eyes had fluttered shut as she rested against Olivia's protective frame.

"I kept seein' her face," Amanda answered softly. She swallowed hard and chewed the inside of her lip. She turned around just enough to look Olivia in the eye. The brunette detective saw the sadness in her girlfriend's blue eyes. "The woman who got attacked the other day." She hesitated. "The one I had to witness."

"She's going to make it," Olivia reassured her. "She's helping us bring a case against Gina and Lori." She paused when she felt Amanda's body stiffen up underneath her touch. "Malcolm will want to talk to you, honey. You need to tell him everything you can. Your testimony is going to put these women away for life without a chance of parole."

"I know," Amanda uttered. "But there's something else I keep seein'."

"What's that?"

"You."

Olivia's breath hitched. She had avoided talking about what happened between her and Amanda but she knew they would have to, sooner or later. She'd wanted to wait until the blonde was ready but it looked like Amanda wanted to talk about it now. She propped herself up against the pillows on the couch and Amana freed herself from her protective arms so she could turn around. Weary blue eyes found Olivia's brown and she shook her head.

"Liv, I'm so sorry. I-I don't know what happened and…" Her voice broke and the tears started streaming down her face. Amanda Rollins crumbled under the pressure and she fell apart. She covered her face with her hands and her shoulders started shaking violently as she sobbed. "I didn't mean to hurt you but I… I couldn't stop… and…"

"Ssssh," Olivia whispered and softly reached for Amanda's hands. Slowly she lowered them, revealing the red, swollen eyes. Amanda tried to look away, avoiding making eye contact but Olivia's fingers slipped under her chin, gently forcing her to look at her. She needed to see Amanda's eyes. Somewhere beyond the hurt the woman she loved still lived. "I know you didn't mean to hurt me, Amanda. What happened was because of what you went through."

"That doesn't make it right!" Amanda objected. Bright blue eyes swam with tears. "I… assaulted you!"

Olivia looked at her. "You didn't know what you were doing."

"It doesn't change anything!" Amanda objected and shook her head. Her eyes darted down to the bruises around Olivia's neck and wrists. Her breath chocked in the back of her throat at the purple marks against her flesh. The marks were unsightly and looked fierce. She covered her mouth with her hand as she let her eyes trail over Olivia's body, lowering her gaze from the bruises around her neck to the marks on her wrists. She crawled backwards, away from the brunette.

"Amanda, honey," Olivia said softly and scooted closer to her girlfriend. "We'll work through this." Kind, brown eyes searched for blue. "I promise, we'll find a way." She reached for Amanda's hand and although the blonde moved away at first, she eventually allowed Olivia to take it. The caress was soft and tender. Olivia didn't break the eye contact, searching for the part of Amanda that could forgive herself for what had happened.

"We'll get through this," Olivia said again and tried to coax Amanda back to her. The blonde was hesitant but slowly moved back towards the older woman. Olivia wrapped her arms around her and pulled Amanda back against her chest. Amanda relaxed into Olivia's embrace and rested her head against her lover's shoulder. Olivia pulled the blanket further over Amanda's body until it covered them and kissed Amanda's hair.

"I love you." Amanda's voice was soft and weak. "I love you, Olivia."

"I love you too," Olivia whispered in return and ran her fingers through Amanda's hair.

Her fingers caressed down Amanda's arms. She knew she couldn't say anything to change the way the blonde felt about what happened. She didn't even know how she felt. There were so many things they needed to talk about, things they needed to say. But right now she needed to be there for Amanda, making her feel safe again. She had to rebuild what the investigation had broken; allow her time to become strong again. She sensed her hesitation, she felt her fear. She would do anything to take it away from her, to bring her back to how it used to be.

"When do I have to see Malcolm?" Amanda asked.

Olivia kissed Amanda's cheek. "As soon as you're ready."

"I wanna go now."

She sat up and the blanket fell away from her and Olivia. The brunette looked on in surprise as Amanda walked across her apartment and into her bedroom. By the time she caught up with her, Amanda had stripped off her clothes. From where she stood Olivia could see the purple bruises across her back. She swallowed hard at the sight and her eyes filled with tears.

"My God," Olivia whispered and Amanda turned around. She covered her breasts with her hands and her blue eyes reflected sadness and helplessness. The bruises across Amanda's cheek and face startled her every time she looked at her. Amanda broke the eye contact and turned away from the detective. She walked into the bathroom and seconds later Olivia heard the shower being switched on. She waited for a couple more minutes before following the blonde woman. Amanda stood in the shower cubicle, washing her hair. The smell of vanilla scented shampoo filled Olivia's nose.

"Liv?" Amanda called from inside the shower. A hint of fear laced her voice. "That you?"

Olivia leant against the door way, her eyes fixed on the steamed up shower cubicle. "Yes, it's me."

The shower was turned off and Amanda's hand appeared, looking for a towel. Olivia handed her one and the blonde stepped out of the cubicle with the white fabric wrapped around her body. Now that she had washed herself clean, she looked brighter and Olivia felt a smile tugging at her cheeks. Amanda looked at her girlfriend. "Sorry."

"You don't have anything to be sorry for," Olivia said softly. "I understand you're scared, jumpy even."

Amanda walked back into the bedroom without speaking and Olivia stripped off herself before stepping in the shower. She quickly washed her hair, sponged herself down and allowed herself a few more minutes under the warm water before switching off the taps and picking up a towel. When she walked out of the bedroom she found Amanda sitting on the bed in the lotus position, dressed in a pair of loose fitting worn out jeans, a black tank top and a grey zip up hoodie. Her wet hair framed her face and she looked up when Olivia walked in.

"You ready?" Olivia double checked as she walked over to the chest of drawers in Amanda's bedroom where she kept a few sets of spare clothes. She slipped into a pair of jeans, buckled up the belt and found a simple white shirt with buttons across the chest. She bound her damp hair in a ponytail and turned around to find Amanda watching her with distinct curiosity.

"Yes," Amanda answered and the strength in her voice was a change from the weakness Olivia had seen earlier. "Let's get this over with."

"Ok," Olivia smiled and reached out her hand. Amanda took it and the brunette pulled her off the bed. For a few seconds they looked at each other and the first genuine smile since coming home broke through on Amanda's face. In that moment their lives were normal and the outside world didn't exist. Amanda rose to her tiptoes and kissed Olivia softly on her lips. The kiss grew in passion and Olivia's arms snaked around Amanda's waist, pulling her deeper into the kiss. Amanda's fingers trailed across Olivia's neck. The older woman was no longer hiding the marks around her neck. She'd deal with the questioning looks when they came. She was ready. This was about Amanda and about making this right again.

When they broke apart Amanda let her fingers run along Olivia's jawline. "I don't know what I would have done without you."

"You would have survived," Olivia whispered. "You're a survivor."

Together they left Amanda's apartment and after stopping off at the small coffee bar around the corner from the building, they made their way to the subway station and caught the next train. They sat side by side, their hands linked together, and each of them clutching a cup of coffee. Every so often they looked at each other, smiling like goofy teenagers in love.

When they left the train and walked out of the subway station, Olivia didn't let go of Amanda's hand. Their hands remained linked as they walked into the 1-6 precinct fifteen minutes later and Amanda found herself standing in the SVU squad room for the first time in almost a week. Her eyes darted around the room, taking in the familiar surroundings and the comfortable sounds of the buzzing computers and the endless ringing of phones. Even the smell of the stale coffee was comforting and when her gaze fell on her desk she smiled when she saw the flowers.

"We all chipped in," Fin said. He appeared behind her and put a hand on her shoulder. "Welcome home."

"Thanks," Amanda smiled and looked at her partner. "I knew you'd get the message."

Fin's dark eyes trailed over Amanda's bruised face. "Looks bad."

"You should see the other girl," Amanda grinned. "Malcolm here yet?"

"Prick's been sitting in Cragen's office for the last hour. Wasn't too pleased you went home last night," Fin answered and looked over his shoulder when Olivia approached. "Alex's been keeping him quiet with a load of legal babble. He didn't really have anywhere to go but Cragen says One PP's been breathing down his neck."

"Let's give them a taste of their own medicine," Amanda said and glanced at Olivia. "You say Alex is still in there with him?"

"Any news on Gina and Lori?" Olivia asked.

"They've been in holding overnight. Amaro and Munch tried to talk to them but Malcolm isn't letting them anywhere near them. Both women lawyered up as soon as they were brought in. Neither one of them is talking," Fin said and he looked from Olivia to Amanda. "Rollins is their only lead."

"Their star witness." Amanda rolled her eyes and pushed her hands into her pockets. Olivia moved closer and wrapped a protective arm around her waist. Amanda instantly relaxed. "No wonder Malcolm doesn't want anyone else near this. He knows what without me he ain't got nothin'."

"Detective Rollins?"

It was Malcolm calling from Cragen's office and the three detectives all turned around. Olivia's grip on Amanda's wrist tightened but Amanda gently pushed her away. "I'll be allright, Liv."

She walked into Cragen's office and found Alex leaning against the desk. The blonde attorney's eyes trailed over Amanda's slender frame and lingered a moment too long on the bruises across her face. Amanda met her gaze and they shared a look of mutual understanding. Cragen was sat behind his desk, his hands folded on the shiny surface. His eyes were fixed on Malcolm as the Lieutenant slowly closed the door and started closing the blinds.

"Can we just get this over with?" Amanda asked and folded her arms across her chest.

Malcolm turned around. "You almost ruined our investigation, Detective Rollins. You switched off your wires without authorisation. You endangered your cover by contacting your fellow detectives and you continued your investigation without proper back-up!" His voice was loud and angry. "You're lucky that the evidence you obtained has been accepted into the investigation but you risked it being thrown out! We would have had nothing!"

"But now you've got everything you wanted and needed," Amanda said sharply and frowned. "And I am the only one who can help you." Her blue eyes hardened. "Tell me what you need to me to do. I want to move on, get my life back." She squared her jaw. "And I want to get you the hell out of my life!"

Alex took a few steps towards Amanda. "Lieutenant Malcolm, Detective Rollins will tell you everything you need for your investigation and she will appear in court as your witness when the case goes to trial. You have her full cooperation but I will see to it that you respect her rights and if she tells you she's had enough, then that's it." From behind her black rimmed glasses she stared at the Lieutenant. "Shall we get started?"

~()~

She talked non-stop for almost five hours. She talked so much that she got tired of hearing her own voice. Throughout her story she stared at the tape recorder, the little red blinking, signalling that it was recording. For the largest part, it was only her talking. Every so often Malcolm asked a question or Alex would jump in to guide or protect her but she told them everything she could. She started at the beginning, about the Palace bar, and meeting Lori and her friends. After that she talked about the second meeting and the car Lori drove as well as the room full of Nazi propaganda in Gina's apartment. Her voice chocked when she mentioned the vile papers and magazines. The sign of the swastika still set her teeth on edge and she dug her nails into the palm of her hand.

From there she reached the moment when she was forced to watch the young woman being attacked. Tears burnt behind her eyes and the colour drained from her face as she described, word for word, what she saw through the car window. She mentioned the names of the women involved and her voice was hollow and cold as she continued to describe the horrific events. When she looked up she found Alex looking back at her, her blue eyes reflecting her shock. Malcolm's face was emotionless. She resented him. She hated him. She despised him for what he had made her do, for what he had forced her to become.

"Where did you go after the attack?" Malcolm asked. "Your wire was switched off after that."

"I went for a walk," Amana lied and felt Alex's piercing gaze. She knew the attorney was aware where she'd been. She knew she'd been with Olivia. "I needed to clear my head, think about what happened." She glanced up at Malcolm. "No one takes well to being put in such a position, Lieutenant."

He ignored the jibe and pushed on. "You were out on the streets all night?"

"Most of it," Amanda said. "After that, I went back to Gina's apartment."

"Why?"

"Because I knew they would take me to their next victim sooner or later. I had to infiltrate deeper, become one of them. I had to let them believe that I wanted to be like them and there was only one way to do that," Amanda said coolly. "They took me to the gym."

"What gym?" Malcolm asked and Amanda realised he didn't know about the different fight clubs Lori had been running alongside her racist little gang.

"Lori McKenzie has a variety of girls fightin' for her. She uses a gym in the Village owned by a woman named Julia," Amanda explained and briefly glanced at Alex. The blonde attorney nodded, encouraging her to carry on. "It is how she tests the girls. Those that aren't great fighters are recruited for the violence on the streets. She pollutes their minds with her racists views, uses their vulnerability against them. Those that are strong are kept aside for fightin'. Lori suggested that's what I'd do but I told her I wanted to get back at the woman who stole my girlfriend."

"You contacted Detective Benson, against the rules," Malcolm said.

"It was the only way anyone knew where to find me," Amanda answered and set her jaw. "That one text message saved your case, Lieutenant."

"After you almost flushed it down the toilet."

Amanda took a deep breath. "You know how the rest of the evening unfolded. Do you need me to spell it out for you again?"

She told him what happened at the apartment before going out to the bar. She described, in detail, how she took the train to avoid being seen with the other women. She mentioned seeing Olivia outside the bar but added that she didn't talk to her. As she came closer to the moment where things went down, her voice became deeper and slower and every so often she had to pause, becoming more and more aware of the tears burning behind her eyes. She looked down at her hands. They were bruised and grazed and she studied the injuries for a while before describing the moment she attacked Melinda Warner.

"Why did you run?" Malcolm asked when Amanda reached the point where the police interrupted the attack.

"I didn't want to blow my cover. I thought I was doing the right thing," Amanda answered and chewed her bottom lip. Her eyes found Alex's. She was tired and emotional and she just wanted to go home. "Are we done here? I'd like to go home."

"Just a couple more things, detective..."

"You heard her, Lieutenant," Alex said sharply and she pressed the button on the recorder. "This interview is over."

Amanda stood up from her seat and walked around the table. Throughout the interview she had looked at Malcolm, wondering if she was ever going to see a shred of emotion in his eyes but his face had remained emotionless. He stared at her like she was a criminal. She felt his resentment towards her and every so often, when she looked at Alex, she found the blonde staring at the Lieutenant with the same contempt Amanda felt herself.

She and Alex left the room together and once outside in the corridor they were joined by Olivia. The dark haired woman wrapped her arms around Amanda and kissed her head. "You did good."

"Can we go home?" Amanda asked. She sounded tired. "I just wanna leave this place."

Olivia nodded and reached into her pocket. She took out two silver keys and placed one in Amanda's open hand. "Let's go and check out our new house, OK?" She smiled when she saw the look of surprise and joy in Amanda's eyes. "Time to go home."


	18. Chapter 18

**Author's note:** Ok guys, this is the last chapter for this story. Heart of Stone has come to an end. It's been a bit of a gritty road but I am glad ya'll enjoyed it. Like I promised, there will be a sequel to this story and it will titled Heart of Gold. By the end of this chapter you'll have a pretty good idea what it's all going to be about but ya'll know me, I always have a few surprises up my sleeve. Thank you all for reading and reviewing. You guys have been awesome and seeing the reviews in my inbox every single time has just been heart warming. I hope to have the new story up and running later this week so don't go anywhere!

* * *

**Chapter 18**

_You're my safe place, my safe place_  
_From a world that can be so cruel and cold_  
_You're my harbor, you're my shelter, you're that welcome smile_  
_That lets me know I'm home_  
_~Trisha Yearwood - You're Where I Belong**  
**_

Olivia and Amanda walked hand-in-hand down the road in Jackson Heights, their fingers lovingly laced together. They'd gotten off the subway a couple of blocks back and were now walking towards their new house. With every step, Olivia could feel Amanda's anticipation growing. She'd shown her girlfriend the house from the outside but this was the first time they'd go inside together. She couldn't wait to show her. Even her heart rate quickened as they turned around the corner and started walking down their new street.

"It's so quiet," Amanda observed as she took a moment to look around. The houses on the street were not exactly identical to theirs but the sizes and designs were similar. Most of them had fences around them. In a handful, children's toys lay spread out the front yard. Cars were parked on driveways. Mostly town cars, big enough to ferry half a soccer or football team across town. There was hardly any traffic and the trees on either side of the road gave the street a nice suburban feel.

"It's perfect," Olivia mused and her thumb grazed the inside of Amanda's palm. It reminded her of one of the very first times their hands had met like this, almost nine months ago. It had been hard going but it had proven worth it in the end. "I bet there are some people back at the station who wouldn't believe Olivia Benson finally moved into a quiet suburb in Queens."

Amanda grinned. "A part of me can't even believe I am movin' into a quiet suburb in Queens."

"Ready?" Olivia asked when they reached the house. The For Sale sign outside had been replaced with a bright red SOLD board and a smile tugged at her cheeks. She turned to look at Amanda and found the blonde beaming with pride and happiness. Amanda opened the gate and started up the path leading the porch and front door. Olivia walked a few steps behind her, taking in the sight of the woman she loved walking towards their house. She imagined herself sitting on that porch, hearing Amanda's footsteps in the house. This was the life she had always longed for but had never dared to believe she'd have.

Amanda slipped her hand in her pocket and took out the key Olivia had given her. Her fingers were trembling slightly when she stuck the key in the lock and turned it. With a soft click the lock sprung open and she pushed against the door. She gasped softly when she stepped into the house. The wooden floors almost appeared to glow in the late summer sun falling through the windows. Her eyes slowly darted around the room, taking in the walls painted in soft and warm earth tones, the staircase with the dark wooden banisters and the living room.

"Well?" Olivia whispered. Her arms snaked around Amanda's waist from behind and she kissed the back of her neck. Amanda leant back into her touch and turned her head to meet Olivia's lips with her own.

"It's beautiful. I love it." The happiness reflecting in her blue eyes was genuine and Olivia smiled. She took Amanda's hand and turned her around so that they were facing each other. Her lips sought and found Amanda's and she kissed her. The kiss was soft and sweet and for a moment they forgot about what they had been through. Olivia no longer saw the bruises whenever she looked at Amanda, even though they were still there. She just saw the woman she loved, the woman she wanted to spend the rest of her life with.

"Come, I'll show you the kitchen," Olivia whispered against Amanda's lips.

Amanda let her hand slide across the wooden kitchen counter and made a small pirouette as she took in the sight of the kitchen. She imagined herself cooking in here, Southern style, like her mother used to do. As her eyes took in the light falling in the room and the masses of space, she began putting furniture into this space. She wanted a large dining table that sat at least eight. As a child she'd always fantasised about having large family dinners but when Kim got older, family dinners always turned out to be a nightmare. She wanted to do things differently. She wanted to have a family that wasn't as screwed up as her own, even if the people she considered family were not related to her by blood.

"What do you think?" Olivia asked, noticing the suddenly absent look in Amanda's eyes.

Amanda's eyes snapped up. "When do we move in?"

"I'll talk to Cragen. I'm sure he'll give us a few days," Olivia answered. She took Amanda's hand again and started leading her towards the staircase. "I'll show you upstairs."

Amanda arched an eyebrow in amusement and a sly smile played around her lips. "You didn't carry me over the threshold, Olivia Benson. I don't think you get to take me upstairs."

Olivia's coffee coloured eyes, the ones the blonde detective loved so much, glistened mischievously and she took a step towards the younger woman. She extended a hand, her fingers grazing across the southern woman's stomach, exactly where she was the most ticklish. The soft yelp from Amanda was followed by a triumphant grin from Olivia. "Amanda Rollins, you get your butt up those stairs."

Still laughing, Amanda made her way up the stairs, with Olivia close behind her. As she made her way up her mind couldn't stop wondering. She had heard the sound of her own laughter between these walls and she didn't want it to ever end. When she reached the landing, she turned around and looked at Olivia. The brunette took Amanda's hand and led her into the first of the four bedrooms. It was relatively large and overlooked the back yard.

"Nice size," Amanda said and walked over to the window. "I think I'm in love with the yard."

"We could buy a nice patio set and get a barbecue," Olivia suggested and the blonde woman turned around in surprise. Hearing the words roll from her own tongue was rather surprising and Olivia smiled sheepishly. "I never thought I'd be doing any of the things we're doing right now. Not much room for a barbecue when you're living in an apartment in the middle of Manhattan."

"Are you goin' to be one of these people who throws garden parties every month?" Amanda questioned as she walked over to Olivia and slipped her arms around the older woman's neck. She playfully kissed her and her body relaxed when she felt Olivia's fingers thread through her hair. Blue eyes connected with brown. "Family dinners every Sunday?"

"You bet your ass on it," Olivia whispered and soft fingers caressed along Amanda's swollen and bruised jaw. She didn't see the injuries. All she saw was the beauty hidden underneath. Even now, when she looked at the other woman, she couldn't quite believe that Amanda had allowed her to see beyond the mask. They were both so damaged, so scarred, and yet they had found the one thing neither of them had thought possible in each other's eyes. "With you, it will be a family dinner every day."

"Who will we be invitin'?" Amanda asked. "Nick, Munch, Fin and Cragen?"

Olivia's brown eyes softened. "Or maybe just us…." There was a pause, one that allowed for Amanda to understand the sensitivity of what she was about to say before she spoke the words. "…the sound of children playing in the living room while we're cooking?"

Amanda blinked and for a moment all they shared was the mutual feelings reflecting in their eyes. Then she smiled. "The sound of children runnin' around, getting' in the way when you're trying to put the plates on the table, stealin' food from the counter and leavin' muddy footprints on your clean floor." Her smile widened. "I think I can cope with that."

"You can?" Olivia asked. Until now she had never heard Amanda express any desire about starting a family of her own. Having Kim for a sister made that she viewed family life with the same apprehension Olivia did. She had never wanted anything more than a child of her own and the rejection from the adoption agency several years earlier had all but shattered her hopes about becoming a parent one day. Until recently she believed she'd waited too long, that her chance was gone. She had slowly started to accept that she would never hear the sound of children's laughter in the other room, or the feeling or a child crawling into bed with her during a stormy night.

Amanda's hand found Olivia's and she brought them to her lips. The smile around her lips was teasing but the look in her eyes told Olivia that she meant every word of what she said. "If I can put up with you, I can put up with anythin'."

Olivia wrapped her arms around Amanda and pulled her against her. They stood like this for a while, in silence, allowing the moment to truly sink in. They had come this far and although there was far to go, and the healing would take longer than just for the bruises to fade, they were still here. They were in this together, like they had promised each other they would, and no bullet or undercover operation was ever going to change that. They were two unlikely people who had found each other in the wilderness and madness of New York City and life's trials and tribulations had brought them to this very moment. No matter how bad the memories were, as she kissed Amanda's hair, Olivia realised she wouldn't change a single second for it had brought her here.

~()~

**1 week later**

The thing about moving into a new place is that you don't realise how much junk you've got in your old one. This was something both Olivia and Amanda discovered when it came to emptying their respective apartments and deciding what they were and weren't bringing into their new home. They put Amanda's bed in their master bedroom and used Olivia's for the guest room. Now that they had a large living room, they wanted a new couch so both their old pieces ended up with the garbage. Most of their other furniture quickly followed.

Amanda and Olivia were finishing off clearing out Olivia's apartment. Amanda had been sleeping here for the last three nights after handing her keys back to her landlady. Her apartment had already been rented out to the next person and the few pieces of furniture she'd chosen to keep were already standing in the house in Queens, although they'd just been dumped in boxes and still needed unpacking. Now they were finishing off in Olivia's apartment.

The week had flown by. Amanda's bruises had healed and she looked like her normal self again. For the first three days they had done hardly anything else but talk and make love. It had brought them closer together as a couple and it helped them deal with the dark demons left behind by the undercover operation. Amanda's testimony had helped put Lori and the others in prison and Alex was working alongside the ADA assigned to the Gang Unit to bring them to trial. Life was looking up and all that was left to do was putting their separate lives into boxes so they could unpack them into their new home.

"Hey, what's in here?" Amanda asked as she pulled a box from underneath a pile of clothes in Olivia's wardrobe.

The brunette detective looked up and wiped her hands along her jeans. She furrowed her brow as she watched Amanda carry the box around the room before kneeling down onto the ground next to Olivia. She'd been sifting through her CD's and apart from a few Bruce Springsteen albums she hadn't really found anything she wanted to keep. Her attention now shifted on the box in Amanda's hand and in her chest her heart started to swell with all kinds of emotions she couldn't put into words. By the time she'd reached for Amanda's hands to stop her from removing the lid, it was too late. The first few pictures landed on the floor and the two women both stared at the only one that had fallen with its image facing up.

"That's you?!" Amanda whispered as she picked up the picture and looked at it more closely. A very young Olivia Benson, complete with pigtails and pink ribbons, smiled up at the camera. Her right front tooth was missing and there was something incredibly endearing and fragile about the image. Amanda glanced up from the picture and saw the unexpected tears in Olivia's eyes.

"I haven't seen those in a very long time," Olivia said and picked up the rest of the pictures. She turned them over in her hand and felt a sharp pang of guilt and regret when she saw her mother's face. She heaved a sigh. "She always had this sad look in her eyes, you know. She thought I didn't know but I did. Sometimes I think she used the alcohol to hide it but mostly I think she drank so she didn't have to see me for what I really was. A reminder of her rape."

"Liv, I'm sorry," Amanda said softly and moved closer to the older woman. The hurt in Olivia's eyes was unlike anything she'd ever seen before. She knew what happened to Serena Benson. Olivia had told her not long they got together. It had been late at night and they'd sat in silence for a while when she suddenly just blurted out that her mother had been raped and she was the product of that. It had felt as if it had been playing on her mind for hours, that she'd been preparing herself for sharing the truth about her life, but lost control over how she wanted to tell it. From that moment on, Amanda had just listened to Olivia telling her about her mother. By the time the sun had started to climb over the horizon the next morning, they were still talking. It was in that moment, there and then, that Amanda knew for sure that they were going to make it. They were stronger than the scars from their past.

"It's allright," Olivia said softly and put the pictures down. "I forgot I kept these. When she died, there was nobody to clear out her apartment. I told the landlord that I didn't want to do it. He asked if I wanted to get some things anyway and let me in. I didn't take much. I just sat on her couch for hours, expecting her to come in. When I left, these pictures were all I took with me."

"Maybe you should keep them," Amanda said when she noticed Olivia was about to put the pictures with a pile of CD's she was about to throw away. She covered Olivia's hand with her own and their gazes locked. "We'll get some frames for them and put them somewhere." She took the picture of young Olivia out from underneath the one of Serena and smiled as she held it up. "I mean, come on, who wouldn't want to look at this every day? This is seriously cute!"

Olivia smiled too. "I always told myself I'd be a better mother than she ever was."

"And you will be."

"Nobody knows that." Olivia averted her eyes.

"Yes, I do," Amanda said firmly. "I know you'll be a better mother than she was because you just told me you will be. You know what you want to be and you know what you don't want to be. You, Olivia Benson, would make a fantastic mother. The whole world can see that and one day you will too."

Olivia looked up. "You think so?"

Amanda nodded. "I do."

Olivia put down the pictures and leant in to kiss her girlfriend. Amanda tasted of her usual sweet self as well as a strange mixture of dust sweat and Olivia grinned into the kiss. Amanda's hands snaked around Olivia's neck as she pulled the brunette on top of her, landing on her floor, surrounded by DVD cases, pictures and other items that were waiting to be boxed up.

"This isn't going to help us move in any quicker," Amanda laughed when she felt Olivia's hands side up underneath her sweatshirt.

"Nope," Olivia chuckled and kissed the side of Amanda's neck. "But it's making it so much more fun."

Amanda decided that it was best to forget about the boxes that needed to be packed and let her hands slide through Olivia's curly hair. When the need for oxygen forced them apart, Olivia's hand was about to slip behind Amanda's jeans but the blonde's eyes snapped open and she looked up at the dark haired woman hovering over her.

"Liv?"

"Yeah?"

Amanda smiled. "I'd love to have a family with you some day."

Olivia leant in and softly kissed the side of Amanda's mouth. "We will, Manda." Another kiss. Soft brown eyes found blue. "We will."

* * *

**End.**


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